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Maureen and Sarah's Excellent Adventure

I feel it is a while since I had a blog post about the Goofy Stuff I Stumble Around Doing.

So, I was very tired from three months of going round and round and round on cover issues, and the lovely Maureen Johnson was tired from writing the first draft of a book. She has written many books, and they are all awesome. I used to slip The Bermudez Triangle to schoolboys long before I ever met Maureen. (Boy: But it is all purple and pink! Me: Pink for lesbians! Put it in your schoolbag. Do it now!)

So she thought she would come to Ireland, and we would research Maureen's book, and also have a relaxing little holiday adventure!

And so it was.

MAUREEN: arrives Sarah, the taxi drivers are so nice and chatty here! I told the one driving me from the airport my life story.
SARAH: What did you tell him?
MAUREEN: My... life story?
SARAH: Huh. Don't you think telling people the same life story is boring?
MAUREEN: I don't take your meaning.
SARAH: Oh, but you will.

Then we went out on the town, where I took Maureen to a pub where she could behold some Irish trad music.

MAUREEN: What's that man playing?
SARAH: A bodhrán. Excuse me.
SARAH: goes down to the stage
SARAH: Excuse me, sir? Yes? I was wondering if you could dedicate the next song to my friend Maureen? It's her birthday and... she is crazy for a bodhrán player.
MAUREEN: Sarah, why did that man just blow me a kiss? WHAT DID YOU DO?
SARAH: Heh heh heh.
MAUREEN: I see you are one point up in the fake birthday game.
SARAH: Heh heh what. What birthday game? I don't take your meaning!
MAUREEN: Oh, but you will.

The next day we went down to Cork on the train, where we had several exciting drinks.

SARAH: I must have a cookie hot chocolate. Is it cookie-flavoured? I MUST KNOW.
MAUREEN: ... Was it cookie flavoured?
SARAH: No, they just straight up threw a cookie into my hot chocolate. But I regret nothing.
MAUREEN: You know, they sell tiny bottles of whiskey on this train.

We then took a taxi to Hayfield Manor in Cork, which is a lovely and luxurious hotel. I feel honour bound to recommend it, on account of... what we did there. I also feel at this point I must mention - I have a weird indeterminate accent, on account of all the Irish/Welsh/Australian/Liverpudlian stuff going on in my ancestry. I can usually convince people I am Irish. Not, however, when I am in the company of an American.

The truth will not be believed. Lies are necessary.

CORK TAXI DRIVER: How long are you ladies over here for?
SARAH: We're here for a month's holiday celebrating getting our degrees.
SARAH: Our medical degrees. I'm a psychologist. She's a - child doctor.
MAUREEN: I'm a pediatrician.
SARAH: Yes. She's a pediatrician.
MAUREEN: betrayed look
SARAH: Maureen thinks she might have Irish ancestry.
CORK TAXI DRIVER: She might. Definitely not you.
SARAH: Personally I don't think either of us do!
MAUREEN: What do you know? I'm the one curing the little kiddies.

The hotel was very swish when we arrived. We were informed there was a Jacuzzi.

MAUREEN: I wish I'd packed a bathing suit.
SARAH: You wearing black underthings?

The issue was shelved while we went out to see the town. We were merrily headed the wrong way, when a voice behind us said...

VOICE: Maureen Johnson?
MAUREEN AND SARAH: slowly turn
SARAH: I have never been so impressed with you, Maureen, as I am right now.

Maureen's fan, whose name I will not disclose to protect her privacy, showed us the right way to go, and to a pub and a restaurant, and was generally lovely. I remained very impressed with Maureen.

SARAH: You're very sneakily a famous person! You seem so little and demure.
MAUREEN: I am not little.
SARAH: You are, you're like a tiny ninja. A tinja.
MAUREEN: That's not a word!
SARAH: I invent new words. Like Shakespeare.
MAUREEN'S FAN: It's a good word.
SARAH: highly gratified

As soon as we parted ways with Maureen's fan, we promptly got lost, but we still saw many sights of Cork, like the opera house and the river and a model in glittery trousers doing a photoshoot. Then we went back to the hotel, and had dinner and discussed vital matters of our craft.

MAUREEN: So there was this scene where Spencer (character in Suite Scarlett and Scarlett Fever) is doing up his shirt-
SARAH: Explain something to me.
MAUREEN: Do you think it was inappropriate?
SARAH: Why was he wearing a shirt at all? I for one would like to submit to you the idea that he could be perennially shirtless.
SARAH: What, I like Spencer. What's he using his shirt for?

Then, it was jacuzzi time! Maureen still seemed doubtful.

SARAH: Look, our rooms come with bathrobes and slippers. That's a sign.
MAUREEN: This is a bad idea but I will go along with it anyway. You'd think I'd be too smart, being a pediatrician and all.
SARAH: Look, the door to the leisure centre is open.
MAUREEN: It's very dark in here.
SARAH: But open.
MAUREEN AND SARAH: go through rooms in the pitch blackness
MAUREEN AND SARAH: stumble over massage chairs and aromatherapy kits and fish tanks
MAUREEN AND SARAH: behold a swimming pool, glinting in the soft light coming from the fish tank
MAUREEN AND SARAH: go swimming
MAUREEN: I see you didn't bring a hair clip. I did. I'm like a criminal Girl Scout, always prepared.
MAUREEN: Sarah, do you espy through the glass door leading to the outside world, a circular hole in the ground with a blue cover over it? What say you and I venture outdoors and remove this cover?
SARAH: ... Wow, in one short evening you have become totally hardened to crime. I am so impressed.

Readers, we uncovered the jacuzzi, and it bubbled merrily to us, and in we got. The Irish night sky was all black and gold, and the bubbles burbled happily in our ears.

MAUREEN: I think I see a badger.
SARAH: You don't see a badger. It's your guilty conscience. It's Jiminy Badger.
MAUREEN: Nope, it's a badger.
SARAH: Where?
MAUREEN: There! Badger badger badger - MAN!
SARAH: What?
NIGHT GUARD: Ladies you are not allowed in here.
MAUREEN: Sorry! Didn't know! Pitch darkness of the centre was no clue to us! We can't hear you over the bubbles!
MAUREEN: betrayed look

The next day in Cork we checked out graveyards and found a secret waterfall, and then went back to Dublin where we met another of Maureen's lovely fans, and also hung out with my friends, and also - of course - lied to our taxi driver.

DUBLIN TAXI DRIVER: So why are you girls here?
SARAH: We're visiting a friend.
MAUREEN: looks relieved
SARAH: All three of us got very close while we were in the astrophysics program.
SARAH: It's such a male-dominated field, you know?
DUBLIN TAXI DRIVER: That's fascinating!
MAUREEN: It's not as interesting as you might think.
MAUREEN: We designed the thermal tiles for the space shuttle.

I feel Maureen is a born criminal.

Maureen says she will come back if my brother teachers her to play poker, and if we can commit a crime in Galway. I have signed on to both these ideas.

Also, today is Maureen's real birthday. If I could only have found a bodhrán player to send her...


( 71 comments — Leave a comment )
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Feb. 16th, 2010 03:43 pm (UTC)
You hung out with Maureen Johnson... *starry eyed*
Feb. 16th, 2010 03:45 pm (UTC)
SARAH: You don't see a badger. It's your guilty conscience. It's Jiminy Badger.
MAUREEN: Nope, it's a badger.
SARAH: Where?
MAUREEN: There! Badger badger badger - MAN!

This made me WEEP with laughter.
Feb. 16th, 2010 03:46 pm (UTC)
*laughs until she cries* Oh, Sarah, what must I do to get to go out on the town with you for a few days? Anything! I swear I will do anything! *weeps with laughter*
Feb. 16th, 2010 05:24 pm (UTC)
It should be easy, since it is well-known I stalk you remorselessly. You never know where I'll be next! *tinjas*
(no subject) - mizkit - Feb. 16th, 2010 05:28 pm (UTC) - Expand
Feb. 16th, 2010 03:48 pm (UTC)
You are hilarious. I am so glad you have a journal.
Feb. 17th, 2010 10:03 am (UTC)
I'm not sure what your icon is, but I want to eat it.
Feb. 16th, 2010 03:48 pm (UTC)
Love your conversation transcripts:)
Feb. 16th, 2010 03:48 pm (UTC)
I love your adventures! They are better than Percival and the Nibelung. I must link to this entry on facebook immediately.
Feb. 16th, 2010 03:50 pm (UTC)
YOU CRIMINALS. You will corrupt me by making me laugh so hard at your criminal antics!

*uses "tinja" all day*
Feb. 16th, 2010 03:51 pm (UTC)
Miss MJ IS a born criminal. Clearly you have not witnessed this:

She is an evil, evil woman, as you can clearly see.
Feb. 16th, 2010 05:23 pm (UTC)
That soundtrack did keep playing when we went to the park of imprisoned angels. But there are some things you can't blog. They're too awful.
Feb. 16th, 2010 03:54 pm (UTC)
Maureen is one of those writers on my I Will Get To You pile. I think I need to bump her significantly up the list after that. Tiles ... Genius!
Feb. 16th, 2010 03:58 pm (UTC)
I feel like I should warn you that 'tinja' means 'poop' in Indonesian xD
Feb. 16th, 2010 05:22 pm (UTC)
Maureen may be dismayed to hear this, but not me!
Feb. 16th, 2010 04:07 pm (UTC)
Hilarious adventures!
Feb. 16th, 2010 04:19 pm (UTC)
This blog made me very happy. Fantastic adventures!

And I would like you to know that if you and Maureen Johnson were walking down the street I would recognise you both and give you excellent directions, so we can only hope that that happens one day :)
Feb. 16th, 2010 04:23 pm (UTC)
*giggles helplessly*
Feb. 16th, 2010 04:27 pm (UTC)
Too funny!
Feb. 16th, 2010 04:35 pm (UTC)
*is laughing helplessly*

Sounds like you two crazy girlies had a blast together! I so enjoyed your banter. And, Maureen, welcome to a life of espionage and mystique!
Feb. 16th, 2010 04:41 pm (UTC)
This makes me want to immediately abandon all plans and obligations and run around Ireland with you.
(Deleted comment)
Feb. 16th, 2010 05:07 pm (UTC)
I...I think I sprained something laughing.
Feb. 16th, 2010 05:16 pm (UTC)
Sarah, I can't stop laughing :D Happy pancake day!
(Deleted comment)
Feb. 16th, 2010 05:22 pm (UTC)
The voice filming her in the claw foot tub was ME. Fame at last!
Feb. 16th, 2010 05:30 pm (UTC)
I cannot overemphasize how much I adore your "Goofy Stuff I Stumble Around Doing" posts. It amuses me trying to figure out what actually happened and how much of it is... ahem... wonderful storytelling! i hope your adventures in Boston were suitably entertaining, totally kept my eyes peeled in the hopes that I would run into you. Alas, this clearly didn't happen. I can't wait for Demon's Covenant!
(Deleted comment)
Feb. 17th, 2010 02:23 am (UTC)
That's awesome! Librarians and teens of Seattle, clearly have it goin' on...
Feb. 16th, 2010 05:38 pm (UTC)
I always guessed that the only thing funnier than the two of you on your own would be the two of you hanging out together :)
Feb. 16th, 2010 05:54 pm (UTC)
HILARIOUS!! You are alway so funny on your blog. I LOVE IT!! You always give me the pick-me-up I need. Now I'm going to be giggling all day. Thank you!
Feb. 16th, 2010 06:07 pm (UTC)
This post has given me the dream of one day stumbling across you in Cleveland, Ohio and giving you directions.

You are totally the free spirit allowing Maureen to break free of the restraints society has put on her. ...uh, yeah. I also love her use of the phrase "criminal Girl Scout" I feel that if my career as a Brownie had not been cut short I would have been this. Incidentally, are the Girl Scouts in Ireland? Is there some Irish equivalent?

I'm also very interested in your awesome accent now, as I always imagined you would have a typical Irish accent.
Feb. 16th, 2010 06:20 pm (UTC)
::snort:: I'm so glad I waited until I got home before I read this, because they give me funny looks when I break into hysterical laughter in the office.
I'm also sad that my inability to recognise anyone, ever, means I shall never get the chance to accost you or Maureen in the street:(
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