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So ladies and gentlemen of the audience, it so happens that I organised a trip to the Cotswolds. Not for my own idle pleasure, of course! In order to research! Just a nice, peaceful research trip, accompanied only by my trusty notebook with its pink plastic flower bookmark, into the nice, peaceful countryside. What could go wrong?

Habitual readers of this blog will not be surprised to hear: ALMOST EVERYTHING.

That, of course, is a lie. My flight was completely uneventful. Then I was on some trains, and the trains, well, they were delayed. This happens! I was not overly troubled, even though my phone was not working so well aboard the train, and I couldn't get in touch with the taxi I'd booked.

Thus, I wasn't terribly surprised to alight and find my taxi was not there. Not to worry, I told myself. I had the taxi company's phone number.

SARAH: calls
TAXI COMPANY: no answer
SARAH: That's okay! That's okay. Here upon the station door is a list of ten taxi companies!
TAXI COMPANIES 1 THOUGH 9: no answer
SARAH: It's okay it's okay it's okay-
TAXI COMPANY 10: Hello?
SARAH: Oh thank God! Yes, yes, hello, I need a taxi cab-
TAXI 10: Young lady.
SARAH: - stranded, train was late-
TAXI 10: Young LADY. I have been in bed for TWO HOURS.
SARAH: - taxi not here-
TAXI 10: In bed where YOU should be!
SARAH: But my bed is in another country?
PHONE: beep beep beep.

I don't know if I'm a godless heathen city type or what, but I am not used to finding it impossible to get a taxi at eleven o'clock at night.

I admit, I was now becoming a little worried, as I was in a strange place with much darkness and eldritch rustling sounds, with no idea how to get where I was going. Several rather young gentlemen suggested that I go somewhere and drink beer with them (my fuzzy rainbow jumper brings all the boys to the yard), but I declined their kind offer...

I called the lady who ran the guesthouse where I had booked a room, and she said doubtfully that she would see what she could do. Then I noticed a guy loitering in front of the darkened station. I advised him not to call any of the taxis.

THE GUY: Don't worry, I used to be a Marine.
SARAH: *instantly becomes rather worried*
THE EX-MARINE: So if something happens, I can protect you.
SARAH: Awesome...
THE EX-MARINE: Also, if I had my guitar, I could play us some songs.
SARAH: I do like entertainment when I am stranded somewhere!

George the ex-Marine and I ended up getting on quite well. He even explained to me why the trains were delayed.

GEORGE THE EX-MARINE: Someone stole the copper from the signal system. Copper goes for a lot over here.
SARAH: Eeeenteresting. *takes note for future life of crime*

Pam, otherwise known as the Wondrous Guesthouse Owner Of My Soul, got a taxi to us, and I shared the taxi with George the Ex-Marine because I do not believe in deserting those in need.

PAUL THE NOBLE TAXI DRIVER: When I heard there was a lady in trouble, I had to come out. Even though I get a bit scared driving at night.
SARAH: Because of the dark?
PAUL THE NOBLE TAXI DRIVER: No, because - you'll laugh.
SARAH AND GEORGE THE EX-MARINE: We swear we won't!
PAUL THE NOBLE TAXI DRIVER: Because of vampires. I have a phobia. I was too scared to watch Twilight.
SARAH (sympathetically): I understand. I have a thing about seaweed.
PAUL THE NOBLE TAXI DRIVER AND GEORGE THE EX-MARINE: ... That's weird.

I arrived at the Olive Branch, my lovely four-hundred-year-old guesthouse, perfectly safe though somewhat delayed, and toddled straight up to bed. Bit of a strange beginning to the trip, I thought, but tomorrow I was going to be rambling through the countryside. What could be more peaceful and charming?

SARAH: A field of lavender, awesome. *takes notes*
SARAH: A haunted river, even better. *takes notes*
SARAH: A little lamb, so cute with a little pink nose! *pets lamb* *takes notes*
SARAH: Why is the little lamb following me...
SARAH: A country pub. Well, I can't go in there, because I don't know if it allows lambs.
SARAH: Why is the drunk guy from the pub following me...
SARAH: I realise Mary had a little lamb, but she did not have a little drunkard. This is ridiculous!

I retraced my steps to the field where I picked up the lamb, and received a scolding for lambnapping by the farmer. As I walked from follies to orchards to woodland pools, I eventually tired out the drunk guy.

I was somewhat tired myself at this point, and I espied a lovely meadow. There were flowers, and a sunny bank, and a beech tree standing all alone.

I thought I would pop out the book I was reading (Sea Swept by Nora Roberts, about found family, adopted troubled brothers, and an Italian-American lady who is both a conscientious social worker and a total vixen, as recommended to me on this very journal and I recommend it myself!) and go sit on that sunny bank.

I had to climb a gate to do it. I admit it, it was all my own fault. Trespassing is wrong.

But it seemed so right. I was quite happy, for a little while, sitting and reading away. How peaceful this is! I thought. How serene!

Then the goat came.

I will not lie to my faithful readers. It was not a terrifying encounter, with a menacing, much-horned billy goat. He was in fact quite a small white goat. He had scarcely any horns at all.

But I had trespassed on his land. He was determined to avenge this insult, even if he had to gently headbutt me to death.

I don't know if you've ever had a very small goat try to kill you, readers. I found it very discombobulating. I ended up fending him off with my book as I scrambled gracelessly back over the fence.

If I ever meet Nora Roberts, I think I owe her a drink.

The rest of the day, and the next morning, was lovely and calm. French onion soup at the pub, a walk through the woods, cream tea with possibly the best lemonade in the world, and I found several places to commit murder. (Fictional murder. I'd just like to make that very clear. Fictional, fictional murder.)

That was just the calm before the storm.

Now, for my Research Purposes, I needed a manor, and I selected Stanway Manor as ideal. Getting there was a bit tricky, as it is much further from Stanton than internet maps would have you think. But I finally got there, and crawled all over it taking many notes.

SARAH: Can you see that family crest? On the tapestry? What kind of animal is that?
AMERICAN TOURIST: It's a dog...
SARAH: Thank you!
AMERICAN TOURIST: Because that's not the family crest. That's a dog family tree.
SARAH: I knew that. And now - I must go.

After memorising the manor, it occurred to me that my ticket was for the manor and the grounds, so I walked about the grounds a little. I was a bit tired by this time, and I thought that I would stop and write some more notes by the lovely ornamental lake.

I should have known better. But I didn't.

I was absorbed, scribbling happily away. I wasn't thinking. When I felt the vibration in the ground below me, I thought 'Huh, an earthquake.'

Then I recalled that England doesn't really get earthquakes.

I was still happily scribbling, telling myself that perhaps I was simply imagining things, when the world exploded.

Readers, Stanway Manor has the highest vertical fountain in England.

Readers, I got very wet.

Everyone at Stanway was extremely kind, and brought towels. Some small children pointed and laughed. In all honesty, I cannot blame them.

The important thing is, I saved my notebook.

In more dignified writerly things, you may be interested in this guest blog on the Booksmugglers about Why We Read YA, in which I call Jack Nicholson an assbucket and talk about my deep love for Disney.

Also in Eve's Fan Garden, I will be doing two chats this week, one on the YA World, August 11th, with many authors including Lauren Oliver and Aprilynne Pike and one on creating fantasy worlds, August 13th, with authors including Robin Wasserman and Margaret Stohl..

Or you may simply want to stick with this post, and tell me what an idiot I am. ;)

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Comments

( 61 comments — Leave a comment )
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blamebrampton
Aug. 9th, 2010 05:11 pm (UTC)
At least it wasn't a giant mole.

And hurrah for saved notebooks, knights in shining taxis and comparatively gentle goats! Things could have been much worse.
backseatdream
Aug. 9th, 2010 05:16 pm (UTC)
I do love your misadventures in the countryside. (I could never go there - if I don't have Wifi and can't wear 3-inch heels all day, I come over all faint and get the vapors.) I am quite jealous of them, actually - I always have the most boring vacations ever, where nothing goes wrong and no tiny goats attack me in a field and no lambs fall madly in love with me. It is a curse, but I bear it well.
(Deleted comment)
lots42
Aug. 10th, 2010 07:45 pm (UTC)
He has a taxi. He is prepared. While everyone is on the main road out of town slowly getting eaten car by car he is driving through the alleyway and up on Third and getting out through the back of that warehouse.
(Deleted comment)
coraline73
Aug. 9th, 2010 05:16 pm (UTC)
Which station was it?
You need to ensure you have strategically placed readers scattered around the country, to call upon in these situations.
That or learn how to steal cars.
maab_connor
Aug. 9th, 2010 05:16 pm (UTC)
i'm struck wondering why it is that mutton wishes you harm. also - like Aberforth, you now have your own version of "That Business With The Goat"... though your story does not involve dubious references to beastiality - thankfully.

sounds like you had a lovely time. ... well... your version of lovely.
rachelmanija
Aug. 9th, 2010 05:21 pm (UTC)
George the guitar-playing ex-Marine sounds right up my alley. Did you get his email address?
harborshore
Aug. 9th, 2010 05:25 pm (UTC)
It is so good to hear about other people who do enormously silly things while traveling (err, all the time). Thank you! See, when I do things like take a pot of soup out of the fridge and put it on the stove without removing the coaster underneath, people laugh and shake their heads woefully at me and wonder how on earth I survive life.

(Or when I somehow end up with a cell phone that texts when it feels like it and gets stuck on the wrong language and basically hates me. Or when I get lost four times in ten minutes while trying to leave my friend's flat in London to buy groceries--and another six times while trying to go back.)

elizardbits
Aug. 9th, 2010 05:25 pm (UTC)
I would very much enjoy further details about this seaweed fear of yours, as I too fear the clingy slimy weed of eldritch horrors. ARGH THE WAY IT CLINGS MOISTLY TO YOUR UNSUSPECTING ANKLES WHEN ALL YOU WANTED WAS A NICE PADDLE.
zumie_ashlen
Aug. 9th, 2010 10:01 pm (UTC)
Heavens yes! And since I read The Forest of Hands and Teeth I always imagine zombies in the ocean, grabbing onto my legs!

Which is why I kayak.
midnightblooms
Aug. 9th, 2010 05:25 pm (UTC)
1) Further proof that books can save a life--even if it is death by wee white goat.
2) George the ex-marine sounds yummy.
3) Sea-Swept and it's sister (brother?) books in the trilogy are all very good.
4) I'm glad you were able to save your notebook.
5) Cotswold is the best name for a place ever.
frostheavens
Aug. 9th, 2010 05:29 pm (UTC)
Sounds like you had an altogether fabulous time! I am just a tiny bit curious as to why a dog needs a family tree. Huh.
oneminutemonkey
Aug. 9th, 2010 07:30 pm (UTC)
Trust me... if it's a purebred dog, their family tree probably stretches back to the Crusades. :>
(no subject) - hollyxu - Aug. 11th, 2010 02:42 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - azurelunatic - Aug. 9th, 2010 08:24 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - lisaheron - Aug. 10th, 2010 09:17 am (UTC) - Expand
elucreh
Aug. 9th, 2010 05:30 pm (UTC)
Sarah, you should really, really see the Disney Channel Original Movie Princess Protection Program
altogetherisi
Aug. 9th, 2010 05:32 pm (UTC)
Oh Sarah. What hijinks.

It strikes me that had you simply kept the lamb it could have distracted the very small goat, and they might have become fast friends that solve mysteries and graze together on that beautiful bank. I am slightly heartbroken that this is not in fact what happened. Also, when you say you fended the goat off with the book, did the book survive, or was it eaten by the goat? Enquiring minds would like to know, please.
mizkit
Aug. 9th, 2010 05:32 pm (UTC)
*laughs out loud at the fountain* <3
shachi
Aug. 9th, 2010 05:34 pm (UTC)
But what about the lord? I seem to recall something on Twitter about a lord in connection to the Fountain Incident.

Also, something about the way you described the Attack of Goat made me have a mental image of Jamie as said discombobulating small goat.

(although yes, the most important thing *is* that you saved your notebook. :D)
cammalot
Aug. 9th, 2010 05:37 pm (UTC)
You had a VERY calm reaction to a possible earthquake!
slythwolf
Aug. 9th, 2010 05:38 pm (UTC)
I'm so glad you saved the notebook! I was worried about the notebook as soon as you mentioned the fountain. All your notes! OMG!
slythwolf
Aug. 9th, 2010 05:40 pm (UTC)
Also, I thought that it was lucky for the taxi driver that you and the ex-Marine were not vampires. And then I thought, we don't actually know the ex-Marine was not a vampire. !!!
(no subject) - elfie_chan - Aug. 10th, 2010 06:03 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - lots42 - Aug. 10th, 2010 07:46 pm (UTC) - Expand
nomadicdragon
Aug. 9th, 2010 05:38 pm (UTC)
Thank you.

I have had a very long..very tiring day so far, and it is only half way through and this post was quite possibly the funniest thing that I have read all week.
sisterspooky
Aug. 9th, 2010 05:46 pm (UTC)
my adventures in the countryside never are as much fun as yours

...

but then again I have used a book to save me before just not in the countryside and I TOTALLY understand the fear of seaweed; IT'S EVIL, GROSS AND SNEAKY!

(Deleted comment)
cloudtrader
Aug. 9th, 2010 06:42 pm (UTC)
I got rather wet when I visited Stanway Manor, too! And I KNEW about the jetstream of water. LOL
furloughday
Aug. 9th, 2010 06:51 pm (UTC)
Ohhh, I'm so amused. Sorry you had such strange and dangerous adventures, but I guess you can now call them deathdefying, which sounds cool.
wanderingdreamr
Aug. 9th, 2010 07:08 pm (UTC)
Funny, I've heard stories of people going into fast food places/houses around here and stealing the copper piping to sell but I'm way over in the US, must be an international shortage.
And out of that whole post I think the strangest thing was that the taxi driver went to bed at 9pm and considered that a normal time. Maybe it's because I'm a college student but 9 sounds a bit on the early side and wouldn't think it was that hard to get a taxi at 11.
ashfae
Aug. 9th, 2010 07:24 pm (UTC)
God I love your entries. =)
tuppenneyrice
Aug. 9th, 2010 07:25 pm (UTC)
Oh, Sarah. Sarah, Sarah, Sarah. Had you mentioned you were coming to the Cotswolds, my home county, I could have warned you. Taxi companies are run by cantankerous old men whose good sides you have got to get on. Admittedly, goats don't usually guard fields. Round near me, it's farmers. With guns. No, really.

Anyway, I am glad to hear you escaped mostly unscathed. If you're ever looking for another manor house, and a lovely lavender field, Snowshill (pronounced snoz-hill for some reason) is amazing! Also, good cream teas.

But watch out for the farmers.
azurelunatic
Aug. 9th, 2010 08:28 pm (UTC)
An old place of work of mine was once shut down for at least a day because someone had sawed off an important and expensive-to-replace copper pipe fitting outside, cutting off all water to the building (and evidently making an impressive fountain). After they got it replaced, they caused some sort of iron-or-something cage to be put around it, with bonus wandering security guard.
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