You are viewing sarahtales

Previous Entry | Next Entry

jesus christ it's a lion get in the goth
I was hoping to finish this Tuesday, but I didn't manage it, I'm sorry! In the spirit of Christmas, I hope you can all forgive me, and celebrate a belated Gothic Tuesday with me.

For it's time to rock Jane Eyre, Gothic Tuesday style.

JANE EYRE: I am but a poor orphan, being brought up by relatives in a Gothic manor. You know what that means.
AUDIENCE: Not really, no. Not so much.
JANE EYRE: My relatives are evil. No poor orphans are ever brought up by nice people. Specially not in Gothic manors. What do you take this novel for?

EVIL RELATIVES: Jane, Jane, where are you? We want to persecute you!
EVIL RELATIVES: We were thinking first we'd physically abuse you, and then we'd lock you in the Red Room.
JANE EYRE: BUT IT'S HAUNTED!!!
EVIL RELATIVES: Uh, yeah. This is a Gothic manor, hello.
JANE EYRE: Why are you persecuting me?
EVIL RELATIVES: We're your evil relatives? Really, Jane, try to keep up.
JANE EYRE: ...
EVIL RELATIVES: Also you're not the least bit hot. We hate ugmos. We're just really, really shallow. And evil. Also that.
JANE EYRE: ... I shall have a fit. I mean this literally. Madness, red glare, black bars, death!
AUDIENCE: Things could look better for our heroine.

EVIL RELATIVES: Wake up, lazybones, you can't lie around in a terror and blood-loss-induced coma all day! We're sending you away.
JANE EYRE: Away... from the Gothic manor? That's not usually how it goes.
EVIL RELATIVES: You're going to a school. It's another large house... in a dark valley... in a dark wood.
JANE EYRE: Sounds like a Gothic manor to me.
EVIL RELATIVES: Enjoy the change of venue in your persecution!


EVIL SCHOOL: Hi Jane. Psychological and physical torture?
JANE EYRE: God damn.
HELEN BURNS: Would you like to be friends? I love you, Jane, and I also love Jesus.
JANE EYRE: I'm getting a bad feeling about who's going to be enjoying your company like, next week. I see Jesus's name written all over your dance card.
HELEN BURNS: Nonsense. *coughs up blood* It's just a touch of TB, I'll be right as rain in no time!
JANE EYRE: You know what happens to people with hearts of gold. Hearts of gold really don't transplant well. Besides, I'm a Gothic heroine, I've got to be lonely and persecuted for ages yet.
HELEN BURNS: Suck.
JANE EYRE: But hey. I'm like, twelve? We've got to wait until I'm grown up so I can meet my man, if you know what I mean.
HELEN BURNS: I don't know what you mean, Jane. Unless you mean Jesus.
JANE EYRE: ... Never mind. The point is, you could last years yet.
THE PLOT: Suddenly, typhus!
JANE EYRE: ... Ah, spit.
HELEN BURNS: HERE LIES HELEN BURNS, DEAD OF NARRATIVE INEVITABILITY.

THE PLOT: Suddenly, time skip!
JANE EYRE: So evil school, now I'm a grown-up, I'm going to leave!
EVIL SCHOOL: Where will you go?
JANE EYRE: Literally anywhere else. Like, anywhere in the world. I mean, what are the chances my governess job will be at a third Gothic manor?

JANE EYRE: ... Ah, spit.
THE PLOT: You know how people really like love triangles?
JANE EYRE: With HOUSES?
THORNFIELD HALL: Hiiii. I'm bachelor number three, tall, dark and brooding!

HOUSEKEEPER: Hello Miss Eyre, welcome to Gothic Manor No. 3! Let me introduce you to the kid you're going to governess. Don't worry, you won't come to love her and protect her with your life. She's not possessed or anything interesting. She's just stupid and probably going to be immoral when she grows up.
JANE EYRE: Yo... Adele is eight.
HOUSEKEEPER: Yes, but you see, she's French.
JANE EYRE: I can speak French.
HOUSEKEEPER: Awesome. Translate her heathen gibberings! All she does is babble nonsense morning noon and night! I really don't think she's very bright.
ADELE: Je suis francais!
JANE EYRE: She says she's French.
HOUSEKEEPER: Well that's nothing to boast about.
ADELE: My mom was a hooker.
JANE EYRE: ...
HOUSEKEEPER: What's she saying now?
JANE EYRE: ... Basically heathen gibberings. Nothing to see here! Come Adele, let's go learn the English for 'X-nay on alking-tay about ookers-hay.'
HOUSEKEEPER: My, Miss Eyre, your French is marvellous!

JANE EYRE: I had a bad dream full of like, mad women screaming and laughing.
HOUSEKEEPER: That'll be the eel pie we had last night. It gave me gas.
JANE EYRE: I don't think that was it.
HOUSEKEEPER: Or the pipes.
JANE EYRE: Are you kidding me?
HOUSEKEEPER: Or the servants. Oh, that Grace! Drunk again!
GRACE POOLE: Whoopee! One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor!
JANE EYRE: ... Okay, that seems plausible.

JANE EYRE: Just chillin', having a nice walk in the dark woods, across the lonely moors, at dusk. I'm sure nothing's going to happen, everything's just atmospheric for no reason!
MR ROCHESTER: You made me fall off my horse! I THINK YOU'RE AN EVIL FAIRY.
JANE EYRE: Um, do you need a hand? Any bones broken?
MR ROCHESTER: Step aside, evil fairy! It's just a sprai-aaaaaaaaaaurrrrggggggh. I'm totally fine.
JANE EYRE: You seem surly, and also sort of crazed.
JANE EYRE: And this is your lucky day, because that's what gets me hot beneath the petticoat.

MR ROCHESTER: So, evil fairy, what's your sign?
JANE EYRE: I'm not sure I understand.
MR ROCHESTER: Where y'at?
JANE EYRE: I reside in Thornfield Hall, sir.
MR ROCHESTER: Do you? Well, well, well. Everything's coming up Edward Crazypants Fairfax Rochester today!
JANE EYRE: I'm going to go now.
MR ROCHESTER: See you soon, hot stuff. Er--have you been hearing any mad laughter from my, I mean the, attic? It's probably dry rot. You know, dry rot mocking you.

HOUSEKEEPER: Let me introduce the master of the Gothic mansion, that cranky lunatic you met earlier!
JANE EYRE: Dammit, narrative inevitability, why you got to do me this way?
MR ROCHESTER: Hey foxy new employee. Hey.
JANE EYRE: Uh, so let's talk about the child I'm teaching...
MR ROCHESTER: Jane, Jane, come now, the child isn't important to the story! You've been teaching her for months: surely you've noticed that she's French!
JANE EYRE: ...
MR ROCHESTER: Come over here and show me your etchings, girl.
JANE EYRE: Uh, okay. Let me go get them.
MR ROCHESTER: Yeah, that's right. You know what I like. Slip into something a little more comfort-oh.
JANE EYRE: This is a picture of a horsie! This is a picture of a hill!
MR ROCHESTER: Yeah. Yeah, awesome.
MR ROCHESTER: ... Actually they are pretty good.

JANE EYRE: Does Mr Rochester, like, come here often?
HOUSEKEEPER: Actually he shuns it like he has a horrible, dark secret locked away in the attic or something. Weird, right?

MR ROCHESTER: Jane, Jane, Jane. Come sit by me. Let's you and me converse. Guess what, Jane? I hate children. I hate old people. I hate housekeepers. And I hate the French.
HOUSEKEEPER AND ADELE: Dude! We're right here.
MR ROCHESTER: Yes, that's what I'm complaining about!

MR ROCHESTER: Do you think I'm sexy, Jane?
JANE EYRE: Whaaaaaaat?
MR ROCHESTER: Would you tap this ass?
JANE EYRE: Uh, we've only just met.
MR ROCHESTER: You warm for this form, baby?
JANE EYRE: Look, dude, you're just not that hot!
MR ROCHESTER: That's ridiculous--are you aware that in the latest movie version, I'm played by Michael Fassbender?
JANE EYRE: I'm going to go upstairs now.

MR ROCHESTER: Let me tell you about my tour of Hookerlandia!
JANE EYRE: Do you mean France? You mean France, don't you.
MR ROCHESTER: That's what I said. Hookerlandia. That's where something happened to me. Do you know what it was, Jane?
JANE EYRE: Er... the syph?
MR ROCHESTER! No! Like almost definitely not. No, a longing came upon me for pure, gentle, beautiful, true, English love. With a girl who was like... English. That's how I like them, Jane. Rule Britannia, babe.
ADELE: Hi I was thinking perhaps my governess and my father might want to spend a little time with m-
MR ROCHESTER: Well you thought wrong Adele! Get you gone so I can get me some!
JANE EYRE: ...
MR ROCHESTER: Sorry, baby, where were we? The French are so pushy.

JANE EYRE: Holy crap Mr Rochester's bed is on fire! Don't worry my cranky little damsel in distress! I will save you!
MR ROCHESTER: Jane, I am saved! Hold me!
JANE EYRE: We'd better find out who the arsonist is.
MR ROCHESTER: Jane, Jane, Jane. Why does it always have to be about 'who the arsonist is' and 'who's laughing up in the attic'? Can't we just LIVE, Jane? Can't we just smile as our beds burn around us?
JANE EYRE: This is not responsible home ownership.
MR ROCHESTER: Okay, look. Probably... the pipes set fire to...
JANE EYRE: Maybe it was that drunk servant?
MR ROCHESTER: Yeah, no, that's better. Let's go with that.
JANE EYRE: We should fire her, dude.
MR ROCHESTER: Fire a servant for a little thing like being constantly drunk and setting fire to people's beds? That's not how we do things at Thornfield Hall.
JANE EYRE: Damn, son, I have got to get me into Grace Poole's union.
MR ROCHESTER: Oh Jaaaane where are you going, when I am so scared and cold and lonely and cold, and my damp nightgown is clinging to me so fetchingly?
JANE EYRE: Sleep tight, buddy!
MR ROCHESTER: Jane, come back! WE CAN JUST CUDDLE!

MR ROCHESTER: Wooing my employee is for some reason not going totally smoothly! I wonder why that could be.
MR ROCHESTER: Let's see, she's obviously shy and has low self-esteem and has been physically and psychologically abused a bunch... the house is filled with mad laughter and screams because I'm keeping my crazy wife locked up in the attic, all the beds are on fire and I talk about hookers around the clock...
MR ROCHESTER: I've got it! This situation is not complicated enough.
MR ROCHESTER: What if I hatched an elaborate plot to make Jane JEALOUS? But that requires another lady. Okay, already got a crazy wife, now I have to get me a fake girlfriend...
MR ROCHESTER: I know, I'll have a house party and invite a bunch of people to come hang out with me at Casa Death and Flames!
MR ROCHESTER: Edward Fairfax Crazypants Rochester, you are a GENIUS.

HOUSE PARTY: Whoo party in the Gothic manor! Let's all play 'Psychologically Torment the Governess!'
BLANCHE INGRAM: Boy, I love that game.
JANE EYRE: Boy, I hate that game.

MR ROCHESTER: Jane seems super upset! This is going super well: the people who advise silly things like 'bring her candy and flowers, treat her right' are so wrong! But I gotta step up my game. What do the chicks like? Oh right. Cross-dressing.
FOOTMAN: Uh... hi... house party. There's a gipsy... lady, yep, totally a lady... in the other room who wants to tell people's fortunes?
BLANCHE INGRAM: Oh great. The dude I'm trying to marry likes wearing bonnets and crinolines. I cannot believe this is happening to me again.
MR ROCHESTER: Hee hee! I am totally a gipsy lady! I can tell the future! That Edward Fairfax Crazypants Rochester, what a jerk, am I right? Whee! Hold my hand, Jane. Look into my eyyyyyes. Would you describe your employer as a hottie or a nottie?
JANE EYRE: This is the weirdest thing you have ever, ever done.
MR ROCHESTER: Baby, I'm just gettin' started. *finger guns*

JANE EYRE: By the way, you have a new guest called Mr Mason waiting for you.
MR ROCHESTER: Ahhhhh all my crimes will be discovered and I didn't even get to commit bigamy yet!
JANE EYRE: What?
MR ROCHESTER: Uh, nothing! Say, let me go see this Mason dude.
JANE EYRE: Maybe take off your bonnet first...? Just a suggestion.

HOUSE PARTY: We all hear eldritch screams in the night, what on earth is going on?
JANE EYRE: Y'all just have no idea how we roll at Thornfield Hall, do you?
MR ROCHESTER: Everyone go back to bed! That eldritch scream was... um, the pipes again... Maybe rats? Screaming rats, who finds that believable? Raise your hand, don't be shy.
JANE EYRE: I'm going back to bed.
MR ROCHESTER: I could maybe use your help with Mr Mason. He's a little bit... bitten...

JANE EYRE: Oh dude, this guy really was bitten!
MR MASON: Help me, lady. I don't want to be a werewolf!
JANE EYRE: Did Grace Poole try to eat you?
MR MASON: A mysterious lady kept in the attic... Mr Rochester's secret crazy wife...
MR ROCHESTER: Don't listen to him! He's obviously delirious.
JANE EYRE: We should fire Grace Poole.
MR ROCHESTER: Nonsense! We don't fire people for little things like cannibalism here at Thornfield Hall!
JANE EYRE: 'Dear Miss Manners, when is the appropriate time to dispense with a maid's services, before or after she graduates from gin to human flesh? Yours sincerely, Jane Eyre.'
GRACE POOLE: Tastes like chicken! Anybody using that vodka? Hey, it's five o'clock somewhere, kids. Bottoms up!
MR ROCHESTER: You have a job for life, Miss Poole.

JANE EYRE: I gotta go visit my dying aunt in a Gothic manor full of suicide and despair.
MR ROCHESTER: Wait a second. Wait a second. Are you saying that you're seeing another manor?

MRS EVIL RELATIVE: So you have a rich uncle who wanted to adopt you, but I told him you were dead.
JANE EYRE: Uh, why would you do that?
MRS EVIL RELATIVE: I'm evil. And I don't want good things to happen to ugly people! Plus you were so uppity as a child.
JANE EYRE: Jeez, the way these people carry on, you'd think I was French or something.

MR ROCHESTER: So, I'm marrying someone else, and I'm shipping you off to Ireland!
JANE EYRE: Oh my God! Not Ireland! How can you be so cruel?
MR ROCHESTER: And of course by 'I'm marrying someone else, and I'm shipping you off to Ireland' I mean I love you!
JANE EYRE: ... I did not get that.
MR ROCHESTER: How could you not know that I loved you, when I paraded around a hot chick in front of you and told you I was going to marry her?
JANE EYRE: Um, frankly the housekeeper gave me a book called 'He's Just Not That Into You' and that is textbook!
MR ROCHESTER: How about when I dressed up like a lady and told everybody's fortunes?
JANE EYRE: ... Well, I didn't really know what to make of that one either way. It was weird.
MR ROCHESTER: So will you marry me?
JANE EYRE: Sure! Just please, please stop courting me. My heart can't take it.

MR ROCHESTER: Thank goodness you have nobody to love you, and are all alone in the world and helpless in my hands!
JANE EYRE: Huh?
MR ROCHESTER: I plan to commit bigamy against all laws of God and man! Whatever, I spit in God's eye, I am going to have this sweet honey all for my own!
JANE EYRE: ... Uh, what are you talking about?
MR ROCHESTER: Normal romantic stuff, babe. Normal romantic stuff.

MR ROCHESTER: Adele, Jane and I are getting married! And we're sending you to school because we don't love you! Because you're French. Also Jane is a fairy and we're going to live on the moon.
ADELE: I seriously advise against marrying this dude. Il est massively fou-pants.
MR ROCHESTER: Little bit less French lip from you, missy.
ADELE: Soon as I turn eighteen, je suis outtie.

JANE EYRE: Last night a strange woman who looked like Morticia Addams came into my room, did a crazy dance, and tore up my wedding veil.
MR ROCHESTER: Just a dream, poppet!
JANE EYRE: Uh, but seriously, my wedding veil is all torn up.
MR ROCHESTER: That was probably the pipes.
JANE EYRE: The pipes tore up my wedding veil?
MR ROCHESTER: Um. Uh. Oh that Grace Poole, drunk again!
JANE EYRE: We're not going to fire her for wanton property destruction, are we?
MR ROCHESTER: Lord no.
JANE EYRE: I ain't even surprised at this point. But really, Ed, I thought it was a completely different lady. Are you absolutely certain that there isn't a murderous madwoman on the loose in this house, at any point able to viciously kill the woman you supposedly love or an innocent child?
MR ROCHESTER: Cross my heart and hope to get bigamously married in the morning!

VICAR: If there is any reason why Edward Fairfax Crazypants Rochester and Jane Come On Baby Be My Bad Boyfriend Eyre should not be wed, speak now...
MR MASON: Uh, speaking? There's the small problem of a crazy wife.
VICAR: She looks fine to me. The groom's a little wild about the eyeballs, mind you.
MR MASON: He has a different crazy wife locked up in his attic.
VICAR: I don't know, that seems a bit far fetch-
MR ROCHESTER: CURSES, ALL IS DISCOVERED!
VICAR: All righty then. Wedding adjourned.
MR ROCHESTER: Anyone want to come up to the house and meet my crazy wife I have locked up in the attic?
MR MASON: Oooh, will there be tea and cake?

BERTHA ROCHESTER: I'm going to rip your throat out with my teeth. Let me out of this goddamn attic!
MR ROCHESTER: See? She's totally crazy. There's no other reason for a woman to try and kill her husband who's locked her up and kept her in isolation in her own home! I mean, I'm good to her. I couldn't send her to a madhouse, or to a house in a bad location where she might die! Bertha really likes it here in the attic. And I give her all the knives and matches to play with that she wants!
EVERYONE: Can we send you to the madhouse?
MR ROCHESTER: What silly talk, I am a man and I have a big pile of money! Nobody can lock me up anywhere.
BERTHA ROCHESTER: You're going to reap the WHIRLWIND, mofo.

JANE EYRE: Actually, this explains a lot.
MR ROCHESTER: Yeah, so it wasn't the pipes.
JANE EYRE: No, I got that. And Grace Poole isn't really a drunk.
MR ROCHESTER: Oh no, actually that bit is true. Grace is an alcoholic.
GRACE POOLE: Wheeeeeee candy is dandy but liquor is quicker!
JANE EYRE: So all of our lives depend on Grace not getting drunk and passing out?
MR ROCHESTER: Sweetie, you worry too much.
JANE EYRE: It's already happened like five times!
MR ROCHESTER: You're going to get frown lines.
JANE EYRE: SOMETIMES SHE EATS PEOPLE!
MR ROCHESTER: There, there. All this silly fussing over nothing will make your pretty little head hurt, you know.

MR ROCHESTER: I get what this is about. You're mad because of the whole bigamy thing. But honey, I can explain.
JANE EYRE: Okay. You didn't really lock your wife up in an attic, hide her from everyone at risk of their lives, invite guests around to be murdered, make one of the guests your fake girlfriend, and trick me into bigamously marrying you this morning?
MR ROCHESTER: Oh, I did all that. Like, all of it. And you've forgotten the time I dressed up like a lady and told your fortune.
JANE EYRE: I haven't forgotten. I TRY TO FORGET, BUT IT NEVER HAPPENS. I need a drink.
MR ROCHESTER: Great idea! This will all make much more sense once you're drunk.

MR ROCHESTER: Mistakes. I've made a few. But then again... too few to mention.
JANE EYRE: I have a list right here.
MR ROCHESTER: Maybe I should have sent Adele to school instead of to live in the house with a crazed killer. Maybe I should have been honest with the woman I love instead of committing all the crimes. Hindsight's 20/20.
JANE EYRE: I think the wine and I should go back to my room.
MR ROCHESTER: Wait wait wait! You see, my wife was a ho.
JANE EYRE: ...
MR ROCHESTER: She was a ho fo' sho'!
JANE EYRE: Am I talking to the man who refers to France as 'Hookerlandia'?
MR ROCHESTER: Baby how often do I have to tell you, it's different because I am a man! Women are property! Now please come away with me to a foreign land and be totally at my mercy.
JANE EYRE: Tempting, but...
MR ROCHESTER: My wife isn't even English, you know. She's from the West Indies! You can't tell me that counts.
JANE EYRE: Look, I had this friend called Helen Burns, and Jesus was kind of her boyfriend, so believe me when I say, the Lord is uncool with adultery.
MR ROCHESTER: Are you absolutely positive about that?
JANE EYRE: Way uncool.
MR ROCHESTER: Your lips say 'No, please respect my decision, also you are a mad criminal' but your eyes say yes!
JANE EYRE: There's only one way to solve this, as a Gothic heroine. No recourse to the law for me. To the moors!

JANE EYRE: Man it's awfully hard to find your way on the moors. Everywhere you look it's just moor moor moor. More moor.
JANE EYRE: Starting to feel awful dizzy. Catherine Earnshaw died of moor, you know.
JANE EYRE: Oh, Edward! Edward! ... Heathcliff!
ST JOHN RIVERS: Hey lady dying on my doorstep. Hey.

JANE EYRE: Rescued by a kind clergyman and his two nice sisters who feed me, dress me and find me a job! This is so lucky! I wonder if I've reached the part of the book where wildly improbable good stuff starts happening?
ST JOHN RIVERS: Your rich uncle has left you a big pile of money, and we are your long-lost relatives.
JANE EYRE: Aw yeah.

JANE EYRE: What am I going to do with all my new cashola?
ST JOHN RIVERS: You could marry me.
JANE EYRE: Huh. Unexpected. Is this a love triangle?
ST JOHN RIVERS: Nah, I don't fancy you. I just think you'd be a good missionary's wife.
JANE EYRE: Look, if I'm going to marry a jerk, I might as well marry a jerk who gets me hot beneath the petticoat. Jane out!

JANE EYRE: Just thought I'd wander over and check out Thornfield Hall and any foxy but crazy-eyed inhabitants of... HOLY CRAP.
THORNFIELD HALL: I got burned up.
RANDOM DUDE: Yeah, apparently a crazy lady lived there who liked to set fires.
JANE EYRE: Yeah, I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later.
RANDOM DUDE: I heard the lady who was meant to guard her was drunk.
JANE EYRE: There's a shocker.
RANDOM DUDE: And Mr Rochester ran into the fire. Maybe to save his wife? Maybe because he just likes doing crazy stuff?
JANE EYRE: That second one. That sounds like him.
RANDOM DUDE: Anyway, now he's blind and missing a hand, so...
JANE EYRE: Aw yeah. That'll slow him down. It's going to be way harder for him to pick bonnets that suit him now. Everything's coming up Jane Come On Baby Be My Bad Boyfriend Eyre!

MR ROCHESTER: Hello? Hello? What's up? Housekeeper?
JANE EYRE: Hey baby. Hey baby, you so blind.
MR ROCHESTER: Uh, housekeeper, I never knew you felt this way about me...
JANE EYRE: Kiss me, you mad fool.
MR ROCHESTER: Never has that saying been more appropriate!

Jane Eyre made me have a lot of thoughts about Gothic boyfriends. Gothic boyfriends have secrets. But it is Rochester who is the king, the champion secret-keeper uncontested since 1847. Edward Fairfax Crazypants Rochester was keeping the quadruple (I love you) (my girlfriend is fake) (I have a crazy wife in the attic trying to kill us all) (PS this marriage ceremony is also fake) secret, while being pretty open about the crossdressing and all the hookers. (What a man!)

Guys, let's get this straight: I love Jane Eyre and indeed Rochester. I think he and Jane have great chemistry in the book. I love seeing people fall for each other through conversations. I think he's a compelling character and he brings out the best in her, she sparkles around him.

It's just a big problem that HE'S AN INSANE PERSON. One day Mrs Jane Rochester is going to come home from the modiste's with a charming new hat and he'll be all 'Hey baby. Hey, you might be wondering where the kids are. Funny story: I sold them to pirates.'

I am not the only one who has had this thought. There is a whole book of essays entitled Can Jane Eyre Be Happy?. And there's also a long line of Gothic heroes, acting all sinister like, keeping secrets.

I thought that it would be fun in Unspoken to reverse that: to have two people who are actually unable to keep secrets from each other, and see all the problems that causes.

The long tradition of people running around being totally crazy in Gothic novels is, of course, sacred to me.

Comments

( 107 comments — Leave a comment )
Page 1 of 3
<<[1] [2] [3] >>
ursulav
Dec. 22nd, 2011 04:16 pm (UTC)
I have never actually read Jane Eyre, because my mother was determined that I would read something worthwhile (namely Jane Eyre) at age nine, and I vowed to stay away from anything that could be considered worthwhile reading material from that day forth.

Reading your analysis, however, I am starting to think that this might have been a very good move for my eventual understanding of relationships...
firelizard5
Dec. 23rd, 2011 01:07 am (UTC)
Indeed. Just like my little sister probably should not have read Twilight in her formative early teen years--her first boyfriend was a bit of a crazy person. She seems to be doing alright now, though.
(no subject) - sarahtales - Dec. 23rd, 2011 01:11 am (UTC) - Expand
deliasherman
Dec. 22nd, 2011 04:17 pm (UTC)
This. Totally. Rocks.

Rochester? Who he? Me, I wept for Thornfield. When I love a house, I love it forever. Thornfield did not deserve to be burned to the ground.
lexcade
Dec. 22nd, 2011 04:24 pm (UTC)
This was one of the most awesome things I've ever read. I love that book, but I haven't read it in years. I'm gonna have to catch up with Crazypants.
faeriemaiden
Dec. 22nd, 2011 04:25 pm (UTC)
o lord I am in legit dangerous hysterics right now thanks. ^-^ (Rochester is my favourite because he is THE MOST RIDICULOUS EXCUSE FOR A HUMAN BEING EVER and he does not actually know how to be a functioning person. WHY ARE YOU THROWING WATER IN MY FACE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT ARE YOU TRYING TO DROWN ME SORCERESS oh hey is my bed on fire aaaaaaaawkward. oh honey sit down and drink some tea THAT IS BRANDY PUT THAT BACK. and Jane just looks in on his melodrama all like, </i>bless</i>, how did you ever even survive without me, you twit.)
roselerner
Dec. 22nd, 2011 05:16 pm (UTC)
Yes! He is just such a drama queen! I love the bit where he's going on and on about something dramatic about their connection before she goes back to see her aunt and Jane thinks "I wonder when he will step away from the door?"
funwithrage
Dec. 22nd, 2011 04:28 pm (UTC)
Jane Eyre is one of those novels where my twenty-first century sensibilities get in the way. Because I know that...y'know, 1800s, Jesus, etc...but I'm always like "...dude. Jane. He's hot, his wife is a homicidal maniac so it's not like you're breaking up a functional marriage, just get a good settlement and/or a lot of pawnable jewelry and go have hot illicit sex! In Italy! Not seeing the problem there!"

I would never have survived in Victorian England.
ravelled_ribbon
Dec. 22nd, 2011 06:52 pm (UTC)
I don't know. You could have survived as a high class lady of ill repute and had a lot of fun .
(no subject) - slythwolf - Jan. 3rd, 2012 01:11 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - sarahtales - Dec. 22nd, 2011 07:09 pm (UTC) - Expand
tsu_chan55
Dec. 22nd, 2011 04:28 pm (UTC)
I love your Gothic Tuesdays. You make me want to reread everything :D

Also, SUPER excited for Unspoken to come out. You're awesome! ♥
sarahtales
Dec. 22nd, 2011 07:10 pm (UTC)
Thank you! The Gothic Tuesdays are intended to achieve that very effect, so I am much pleased. ;)
(no subject) - leah_cypess - Dec. 22nd, 2011 10:56 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - sarahtales - Dec. 22nd, 2011 10:58 pm (UTC) - Expand
oblomskaya
Dec. 22nd, 2011 04:39 pm (UTC)
Hilarious!
(And - as much as I fancy Mr.R. - it all is absolutely true!)
extemporanea
Dec. 22nd, 2011 04:39 pm (UTC)
I adore Jane Eyre with the righteous love of the Gothic bibliophile, but this made me spit Earl Grey onto my keyboard in the approved and traditional fashion. Thank you. However, I do not feel that Rochester is as crazy as anyone in Wuthering Heights, which I consider to be the inexplicable adolescent Twilight craze of its time. I cannot offhand recall whether you have ever given Wuthering Heights the Insane Dialogue treatment, but if not, I beg you to do so forthwith.

Edited at 2011-12-22 04:39 pm (UTC)
ravelled_ribbon
Dec. 22nd, 2011 06:53 pm (UTC)
As an adolescant it was my inexplicable craze. God, I even had a weird Heathcliffe crush.
(no subject) - extemporanea - Dec. 22nd, 2011 08:07 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - sarahtales - Dec. 22nd, 2011 07:11 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - extemporanea - Dec. 22nd, 2011 08:16 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - sarahtales - Dec. 22nd, 2011 08:24 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - extemporanea - Dec. 22nd, 2011 09:01 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - tieleen - Dec. 23rd, 2011 10:26 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - sarahtales - Dec. 23rd, 2011 02:29 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - tieleen - Dec. 23rd, 2011 02:54 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - sarahtales - Dec. 23rd, 2011 03:24 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - tieleen - Dec. 25th, 2011 06:47 pm (UTC) - Expand
intrikate88
Dec. 22nd, 2011 04:40 pm (UTC)
I am smothering myself here in Starbucks trying not to die of laughter. I love Jane Eyre. But that book is full-on crazy ridic. Rochester, you are far better than Heathcliffe, but still also quite the candidate for being locked in the attic.

Also, now I think I may permanently have mentally casted Rochester as Ian Crazy Eyes Somerhalder, thanks for that, I'd always preferred to picture him as a bit more broad-shouldered and distinguished. If crazy-eyed. Especially when crossdressing.
greenlily
Dec. 22nd, 2011 04:57 pm (UTC)
Ian Crazy Eyes But Oh So Very Pretty Somerhalder > Michael Fassbender. However, IMHO Toby Stephens > Ian Somerhalder. <3
(no subject) - intrikate88 - Dec. 22nd, 2011 05:03 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - sarahtales - Dec. 22nd, 2011 07:33 pm (UTC) - Expand
alienor77310
Dec. 22nd, 2011 04:41 pm (UTC)
"HERE LIES HELEN BURNS, DEAD OF NARRATIVE INEVITABILITY."

This. Ever so true.
azurelunatic
Dec. 22nd, 2011 05:05 pm (UTC)
ALL OF THIS IS VERY TRUE.
(Anonymous)
Dec. 22nd, 2011 05:08 pm (UTC)
Oh thank you. That is awesome. I am trying not to make the people around me believe I am an insane person, laughing hysterically at my iPhone.

I wonder why we are all so concerned with that? Who cares if these people think I have found something THIS funny?
fyrie
Dec. 22nd, 2011 05:16 pm (UTC)
What I love about Jane Eyre, especially about Rochester, is that despite being Edward Crazypants, he's still a good man, somewhere underneath it all (attempted bigamy aside): he keeps a child who isn't his, rather than abandon her and he takes care of, feeds and homes a wife who is by all accounts completely homicidal. There's a quote somewhere that he says he could have taken her to a cold, damp countryhouse he has and let the natural course of illness take her as an easy and murderous way out, but he doesn't, and that's what I love about him :)
sarahtales
Dec. 22nd, 2011 07:14 pm (UTC)
Well, he doesn't know for sure she isn't his kid, so I give him no points there, and I also give him no points for the wife, because Lord there must have been some jailer who didn't get drunk and let her escape every weekend, and in any case he should have removed the kid sharpish from her murderous vicinity. But I do think he means well... mostly... He's just super crazy, and that meaning well is expressed oddly. As is traditional in Gothics, really.
(no subject) - (Anonymous) - Dec. 23rd, 2011 07:14 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - sarahtales - Dec. 23rd, 2011 02:24 pm (UTC) - Expand
c_canadensis
Dec. 22nd, 2011 05:23 pm (UTC)
This may be my favourite parody you've ever done, which is saying a lot. It was the line "suddenly, typhus!" that got me.
amori_maris
Dec. 22nd, 2011 05:25 pm (UTC)
Can I have you come to my workplace and do my booktalks for me? Seriously. I am actually not the biggest fan of Jane Eyre (I know, I know, shame on me...) but this made me really want to read it again.

Also, makes me very excited for Unspoken as I cannot wait to see how fabulously you play around with Gothic traditions :)
sarahtales
Dec. 22nd, 2011 07:33 pm (UTC)
Excitement for Unspoken is held close to my bosom, thank you!
(Anonymous)
Dec. 22nd, 2011 05:29 pm (UTC)
I am dying of laughter here.
tikiera
Dec. 22nd, 2011 05:52 pm (UTC)
Can I recommend Jenna Starborn? It's Jane Eyre, in SPACE.

Seriously, I never know if I love the book or think it's on CRACK.

I also have not read Jane Eyre in it's entirety due to it being 'worthwhile' reading. I have probably read the book a few times, but maybe 1/3 at a time.

I never did understand why my science fiction was junk, but reading about "Edward 'Crazypants' Rochester" was great literature.

As least the aliens made sense. Rochester never did. :)
sarahtales
Dec. 22nd, 2011 07:15 pm (UTC)
Oh, I've read Jane Starborn. I'm super excited for Diana Peterfreund's Persuasion in space, out next year!
sistermagpie
Dec. 22nd, 2011 06:32 pm (UTC)
Damn, now I want to meet my own Gothic mansion and run away to Hookerlandia.

Mr. Rochester really is the best of the crazies. I mean, it's one thing to be Heathcliff who's just blatantly a bastard and laughs and evil laugh, but nothing beats Rochester explaining why really he's the victim here because he's wife's a ho. Also, many many things in his life seemed like a good idea at the time.

I am currently reading "Madwomen in the Attic: 30 years later" so this is a particularly good thing to read today.
marfisa
Dec. 30th, 2011 05:22 am (UTC)
Oh yeah, Rochester has serious problems of the entitled and delusional kind, but Heathcliff makes him look sane by comparison. Of course, Cathy is pretty crazy herself. So I suppose she couldn't just settle for someone who was merely mad, bad, and dangerous to know in a can-occasionally-pass-for-normal (or at least non-psycho) manner as the love of her life.
(no subject) - marfisa - Dec. 30th, 2011 05:38 am (UTC) - Expand
tyleet27
Dec. 22nd, 2011 06:43 pm (UTC)
I BASICALLY LOVE YOU.
tyleet27
Dec. 22nd, 2011 06:43 pm (UTC)
Also I cannot wait for Unspoken. CANNOT WAIT.
(no subject) - sarahtales - Dec. 22nd, 2011 07:16 pm (UTC) - Expand
thegreatmissjj
Dec. 22nd, 2011 06:53 pm (UTC)
This...this is simply the most marvelous recap of JANE EYRE I've ever read. ♥ ♥ ♥

THE PLOT: Suddenly, typhus!
JANE EYRE: ... Ah, spit.
HELEN BURNS: HERE LIES HELEN BURNS, DEAD OF NARRATIVE INEVITABILITY.

Alas Helen Burns, we barely knew ye.
alyxh
Dec. 22nd, 2011 06:57 pm (UTC)

I could not love this more.
Esp:

Il est massively fou-pants.

Catherine Earnshaw died of moor, you know.

*chortles*
sarahtales
Dec. 22nd, 2011 11:24 pm (UTC)
*beams*
(no subject) - alyxh - Dec. 23rd, 2011 12:54 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - sarahtales - Dec. 22nd, 2011 11:51 pm (UTC) - Expand
dwammedout
Dec. 22nd, 2011 07:30 pm (UTC)
So much love for this! Rochester trying to work out why Jane isn't falling for him despite all his best efforts and deciding he needs a fake girlfriend to make everything MORE COMPLICATED is totally spot on and made me laugh out loud. I always love the part where he tries to explain that in actual fact he is the victim because his wife is foreign, and mad, and a ho and also older than him (how shocking!), and as such he deserves to be happily and bigamously married to Jane. And Jane is just like, 'I ... have to go over there now.'

I have to agree on the Crazypants aspect, I always find it odd when Rochester is described as one of the Great Romantic Heroes of All Time, and Jane Eyre as a swooningly romantic novel; I mean, I love it as the story of a messed up relationship that works for the two messed up people in it, and I love their interactions and the spark between them but I do wonder whether Jane will eventually get a bit fed up of his nonsense.

But at least he does not hang puppies, so he is a better boyfriend than Heathcliffe. Which is not much of a recommendation ...
sarahtales
Dec. 22nd, 2011 07:36 pm (UTC)
the story of a messed up relationship that works for the two messed up people in it

Really those are the only kinds of romance I do find romantical. ;) I would flee Rochester as the plague, but he works for Jane, and I do like that!
ndnickerson
Dec. 22nd, 2011 07:51 pm (UTC)
oh man, best thing that has happened all day. HILARITY. and while i adore the novel, it's true. he is a total nutjob. i love that you included all those little details from the book, too. and the whole he's ugly/fassbender issue.
ndnickerson
Dec. 22nd, 2011 07:51 pm (UTC)
and it's also kind of like rochester = sterling archer for a good half of this. heh.
themysteriousg
Dec. 22nd, 2011 07:57 pm (UTC)
I'm more than a little in love with you now.
rockinlibrarian
Dec. 22nd, 2011 08:22 pm (UTC)
HAve I mentioned lately that I love your retellings? I will never get tired of them, as long as you feel like doing them.
sarahtales
Dec. 22nd, 2011 08:31 pm (UTC)
Thank you! I will feel like doing the Gothic retellings at least until Unspoken comes out, and after that if they seem to be workin', we'll see. ;;)
Page 1 of 3
<<[1] [2] [3] >>
( 107 comments — Leave a comment )

Profile

unmade
sarahtales
Sarah Rees Brennan
Sarah's Lexicon

Latest Month

October 2014
S M T W T F S
   1234
567891011
12131415161718
19202122232425
262728293031 

sarahreesbrennan@gmail.com

Powered by LiveJournal.com
Designed by Tiffany Chow