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unmade

Originally published at Sarah Rees Brennan. You can comment here or there.

GENERAL: Lord Miraz, you have a son!
MIRAZ: Well, you know what that means.
GENERAL: Set off fireworks around the castle?
MIRAZ: Exactly! Oh, and kill my nephew Prince Caspian.

DARKLY OMINOUS CLOAKED FIGURE: Nobody will notice me sneaking into Caspian’s bedchamber.
AUDIENCE: Why not?
LIGHT: falls on Prince Caspian’s sleeping face
AUDIENCE: Oh I see. Cloaked figures slip into Prince Caspian’s bedchamber every hour of the night!
DOCTOR CORNELIUS: Actually I had to join a line. Wake up, Caspian!
CASPIAN: … ’M kind of tired after dealing with the line…
DOCTOR CORNELIUS: YOUR UNCLE IS GOING TO HAVE YOU KILLED.
CASPIAN: This is not sexy talk!

GENERAL: Fire at will!
GUARDS: riddle the bed with arrows
CASPIAN IN THE WARDROBE: I see that this is not going to be the most subtle royal assassination in the world.

DOCTOR CORNELIUS: Take this horn! Go to the woods! No time to explain! I am a sage with a flowing white beard, when have you ever known my kind to explain anything?
CASPIAN: Fair enough.
MIRAZ: Guards! Launch a hot pursuit of the prince and cut him down from his horse!
GUARDS: I see that this is not going to be the most subtle royal assassination in the world.

CASPIAN: I ride through rocks! I ride through raging waters! I get smacked in the head by a branch and fall right off my horse.
CASPIAN: Who would have thought this wood could be so full of trees?
GUARDS: Death to Caspian!
DWARFS: Death to you all, including Caspian!
CASPIAN: This is just not my night. I think I will blow this horn: what’s the worst that could happen?

LUCY: These automobiles keep trying to run me over. Cannot understand it: centaurs always braked for me in Narnia.

STALKER BOY: Hi there.
SUSAN: Welcome to Not Attractive Enough to Speak to Queen Susan-land, population: you!
STALKER BOY: So I’ve seen you at school. You know, on the hockey pitch, on the steps, through my binoculars when someone leaves the dormitory windows open a little bit…
SUSAN: This is not sexy talk!
STALKER BOY: What’s your name?
SUSAN: Leave me alone or I will cut you.
STALKER BOY: That’s a nice name.

LUCY: Susan come quickly! Peter is wrestling with two other schoolboys!
AUDIENCE: SUSAN, GO QUICKLY!
LUCY: Oh no, Susan, Edmund is wrestling with them too.
AUDIENCE: Run Susan, run!

PETER: I had to fight them because they shoved me. Also they did not bow to me or offer me tribute as their High King.
EDMUND: O High King, I offer you some tribute. It consists of these four magical words.
PETER: What?
EDMUND: SHUT THE HELL UP.
SUSAN: Let’s just face the fact we are never getting back to Narnia.
DRAMATIC IRONY: Oh really?

CASPIAN: Here I am, waking up in a strange bed. This is not really a new thing for me. Man, my head hurts, I hope whoever she is was hot.
TALKING BADGER: I will make the boy soup!
CASPIAN: OH DEAR GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE.

TALKING BADGER: Poor little mite, I have bandaged his head right up.
DWARF: Are you still working from the book where Caspian is like, nine?
CASPIAN: Actually my age is never mentioned. I could be nine.
DWARF: Then I don’t know what the Telmarines are putting in the water, dude.
TALKING BADGER: Looks to me like the Telmarines are putting sexy in the water.
CASPIAN: … I think I’m going to leave now.

PEVENSIES: Aslan seems to want us to frolic in a seaside resort. Well if that is the Lion’s will, so be it!
SUSAN: Does this place look like our old home to anyone else?
EDMUND: Don’t be silly Susan, our old home wasn’t catapulted to bits and pieces!

LUCY: Don’t you guys get it? Hundreds of years have passed! Everyone we know is dead.
PEVENSIES: … Huh.
LUCY: The Beavers! Mr Tumnus!
PETER: Weird. Hey, look at my cool sword!
LUCY: Does nobody understand? He was played by James McAvoy!

TALKING BADGER: Caspian, come back! Narnia needs you and your mighty horn!
CASPIAN: Seriously, lose my number.
GUARDS: There he is! After him!
REEPICHEEP: I am the bane of the Telmarines! I am the Dark Avenger!
CASPIAN: … You’re a mouse.
REEPICHEEP: Oh, eat steel, Telmarine.
TALKING BADGER: Wait Reepicheep, I have to tell you about Caspian’s mighty horn!

TELMARINE LORDS: So it’s interesting that Caspian went missing on the night your son was born.
MIRAZ: I know, right? You’d think I could wait a week or so. Uh, I mean – Caspian was kidnapped by Narnians?
TELMARINE LORDS: Miraz, please leave off with the usurping. And also, the crack.
MIRAZ: I have a Narnian right here! And I could kill him in front of you right now as I threaten the entire extermination of his race, but uh… Well, maybe I’ll keep him to show other Telmarines, sure, I could do that… Maybe I’ll just tell the guards to row him out to a faraway destination on the river and kill him there for no reason, what do you think?
TELMARINE LORDS: Way to overcome the stereotype, Miraz! We always thought evil overlords were cunning.

PETER: Guards are attempting to murder a dwarf!
SUSAN: Battles are ugly when women fight! Because men look so foolish when riddled with arrows.

DLF: So who are you crazy kids?
PETER: I am Peter the Magnificent!
EDMUND: I am Edmund the Just So Embarrassed My Brother Said That.
DLF: Oh my God, Narnia is doomed.

NARNIANS: We’ll kill you, Telmarine!
CASPIAN: How about instead you make me your king?
CENTAURS: You have to admit the boy’s devilishly attractive.
TALKING SQUIRREL: His profile would look good on our money!
NARNIANS: All hail King Caspian!

LUCY: You guys, I see Aslan!
DLF: Dear Narnia, may I present our legendary saviours: King Peter the Egomaniac and Queen Lucy the Crackhead.
LUCY: I think we’re going to call you DLF for Dear Little Friend.
DLF: Secretly it stands for Doesn’t Like Foreigners.

LUCY: Why are you sad, Susan?
SUSAN: I won’t get to stay in Narnia.
LUCY: Huh. Yeah, I guess you won’t. Don’t worry, though, everything will be fine. What could happen?
SUSAN: Well, my entire family could die in a trainwreck. Hypothetically speaking, of course.

PETER: I am Peter the Magnificent!
CASPIAN: I am Caspian the Super Fine!
PETER: … I don’t think I am going to like you.
SUSAN: Really? I think I’m going to like him just fine.
PETER: We can leave if you want.
CASPIAN: No, don’t leave! The only other ladies out here are centaur babes, and nobody will fetch me a stepladder.

REEPICHEEP: Oh King Peter, I pledge you my life!
CASPIAN: HEY!
REEPICHEEP: What can I say, I like blonds.

PETER: So my plan is – we catch them off guard by seizing the castle!
CASPIAN: My plan is that we all sit here and wait for the Telmarines to starve us out.
SURPRISING AMOUNT OF NARNIANS: We vote for Caspian’s plan!
PETER: What the hell?
LESS SURPRISING AMOUNT OF NARNIANS: You see, the thing is, Caspian is really, really attractive.
PETER: I ripped my shirt up once already this movie, and I may do so again at any moment.
NARNIANS: To the castle!

EDMUND: I am all alone on a tower top, on a secret mission. Like James Bond. But it’s okay, I can summon the others. (brandishes torch) I have the technology!

CASPIAN: Doctor Cornelius, wake up! I totally summoned the kings and queens of old and King Peter the Magnificently Snotty has a plan and King Edmund has a torch and Queen Susan has a fine ass! Everything is awesome.
DOCTOR CORNELIUS: I feel that on the eve of battle is a fine time to tell you that your uncle killed your father and make you have a nervous breakdown!

CASPIAN: Miraz, we need to talk! Usurping me is fine, trying to kill me, a-okay, but how could you murder my father? Have you no humanity?
MIRAZ: Nope. Next question!
SUSAN: I cannot believe I put my battle eyeliner on for this.

PETER: I blame you for not following the plan and messing everything up!
CASPIAN: Yeah? Yeah, well I blame you for not retreating when it was already obvious that I had messed everything up!
NARNIANS: Oh my God, the sons of Adam are lame. How sure are we that we need one to be king?
CASPIAN: Also I do not think you are all that magnificent!
PETER: You take that back! You take that back right now!
NARNIANS: Reepicheep for King!

NIKABRIK THE DWARF: Caspian, I totally know a way to win the war.
CASPIAN: Really? That is awesome.
MASSIVELY CREEPY WOLF IN A CLOAK: I eat entrails. And babies. And I creep about the place laughing manically to myself. And I will cause a thousand years of misery and winter. And I am super super creepy. And I never wash my fur. Or this cloak.
CASPIAN: Good to meet you!
HAG: I have a withered skull face with a creepy creepy beak and I think we should raise the extremely evil dead.
CASPIAN: That sounds like fun!
WHITE WITCH: Hi Caspian. Give me some of your blood.
CASPIAN: I’m not totally sure, but that sounds to me like sexy talk.

PETER: Caspian where are you? Are you making out with my sister?
CASPIAN: Nope! Just dabbling with a little necromancy.
PETER: Oh cool, sorry to have inter – OH MY GOD WHAT? STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!
CASPIAN: … Actually now I come to think about it, that does sound kind of bad. Help!

NIKABRIK: I won’t let you do this! I insist on raising evil witches from the dead! I will kill you all! I will pinch Queen Lucy quite hard!
DLF: That’s it! NOBODY PINCHES QUEEN LUCY. Die!

WHITE WITCH: Peter, baby, I’ve missed you.
PETER: Um…
WHITE WITCH: You are looking more magnificent than ever. Soooooo magnificent.
PETER: You are evil as hell, but I have to give you props for the sexy talk.
WHITE WITCH: Abra, abracadabra. I wanna reach out and grab ya!

EDMUND: stabs
PETER AND CASPIAN: How were you able to resist her delicious frosty booty?
EDMUND: Been there. Done that. Bought the doublet.

CASPIAN: Susan, Susan baby, talk to me.
SUSAN: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
CASPIAN: Baby, it was just a little necromancy with an evil ice witch, it meant nothing! I was thinking about you the whole time!

DOCTOR CORNELIUS: I am half a dwarf, so you should be king!
CASPIAN: Um… I think dwarf logic is different than human.

PETER: Okay, so the Telmarines are coming and basically, Lucy needs to fetch our magic lion or we’re all doomed!
DLF: I wish the kings and queens would share their crack.
CASPIAN: I have a plan to stall for time.
PETER: You still here?
CASPIAN: It’ll involve Peter displaying his magnificence to the entirety of two armies.
PETER: … Tell me more.

EDMUND: And so in summary, Peter the Magnificent, High King of Narnia, Lord of Cair Paravel, Emperor of the Lone Islands, invites you to come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough.
MIRAZ: Do I look like Miraz the Dumbass to you, Prince Edmund?
EDMUND: … That’s King Edmund, and does that answer your question?
TELMARINE LORDS: Sire is obviously not hard enough. Haven’t you heard this guy’s magnificent? Magnificent and young and strong and oh so blond.
MIRAZ: I’m totally magnificent and young and strong and – Prince Edmund, tell King Peter it’s on! General, fetch me the hair dye! Hope your brother’s sword is mightier than his pen.
EDMUND: Normally I would not be commenting on my brother’s sword because that is inappropriate, but today I feel moved to inform you that it is MAGNIFICENT.

MIRAZ: LET US FIGHT TO THE DEATH.
PETER: INDEED. WITH APPROPRIATE TIMEOUTS!
MIRAZ: INDEED. They’ll only be three-minute breaks, though.
PETER: Oh, you are truly evil.

SUSAN: Lucy, let’s go find the magic lion!
CASPIAN: Um, do you want your horn back? I realise that I am no longer deserving of the mighty horn.
SUSAN: Oh Caspian. I can’t stay mad at you. Not you and your pretty face and your mighty horn.
LUCY: I THINK I AM TOO YOUNG FOR THIS CONVERSATION. Let’s go!

PETER: This is not actually going well.
EDMUND: Shhhh, smile and wave for the centaur babes.
CENTAUR BABES: Peter, Peter, he’s our man, if he can’t do it, Caspian can! Goooo Caspian!
PETER: Edmund, I have something to say to you. You’ve always been there for me! It must have been cold there in my shadow, to never feel sunlight on your face-
EDMUND: I did betray all of Narnia that one time, remember?
PETER: Seriously, I can fly higher than an eagle! You are the wind beneath my w-
EDMUND: PETER! Try to remember that we’re British!

SUSAN: Four arrows, five guards. OH CRAP.
CASPIAN: Susan, I will save you!
SUSAN: Now that’s sexy talk.

PETER: You’re totally at my mercy, Miraz! But I’ll let Caspian do it.
CASPIAN: Aw, thanks, Peter!
PETER: Who can stay mad at you, with y- Um. Excuse me, I think I need to go talk to the centaur babes.
CASPIAN: You’re totally at my mercy, Miraz. But I’ll let you live.
NARNIANS: Hooray for letting evil tyrants live in wartime!
EDMUND: What is wrong with you people?
NARNIANS: Well, Caspian’s just really, really attractive…
TELMARINE LORD: Oh for God’s sake, if nobody else is going to kill him THEN I WILL.

LUCY: ASLAN!
ASLAN: LUCY! Why didn’t you come sooner? Why didn’t you give me a call to say you were going to be late? Did you pick up milk on your way here?
LUCY: If I’d come earlier, would half our army not have died?
ASLAN: Well, we can’t be certain of that. But I certainly am all-powerful, and I certainly would have come to save the day, and…
LUCY: So you’re saying, basically, yes.
ASLAN: Basically, yes.

TELMARINES: Our king is fallen! That means Caspian is the king! KILL HIM.
CASPIAN: We have another plan. It involves earthworks. And a magic lion!
DLF: I see they’ve been sharing the crack with someone…
PETER: This. Is. Narniaaaaaaaaa!

GENERAL: Oh Caspian. I can’t kill you. You’re just really, really attractive.
TREES: We can kill you, Telmarines! Feel our vegetationy wrath!

TELMARINES: Nature has betrayed us! To the river!
LUCY: Hi there.
TELMARINES: Watch out, that little girl has a loaded lion!
ASLAN, RIVERS AND TREES: All the forces of nature suggest that you surrender.
TELMARINES: … okay.

NARNIANS: Hooray for our new and dazzling king! Hooray for Caspian the Super Fine the Tenth!
PETER: Um, actually, I was the one who defeated the tyrant, and Lucy fetched the magic lion, and-
NARNIANS: Caspian looks so dashing in his shiny crown!

ASLAN: Time for you kids to get along home. By the way, Peter and Susan, you can’t ever come back. Because of puberty.
SUSAN: Little late for that…
ASLAN: I am watching you, young lady! Don’t think I haven’t noticed you and your coquettish ways!

CASPIAN: Farewell, Susan the Magnificent!
PETER: HEY!
SUSAN: Actually my title’s Susan the Gentle.
GHOSTS OF A THOUSAND SHOT-UP TELMARINES: Say what now?
CASPIAN: From now on I dub you Susan the Kickass. Or Susan of the Fine Ass. Whatever works for you.
SUSAN: Oh baby, that’s sweet. But it’ll never work. I am 1300 years old.
CASPIAN: And I am nine.
SUSAN: … Well that’s terrible news! But let’s make out anyway.

LUCY: Why are Susan and Caspian making out? I don’t understand.
EDMUND: Um, I kind of understand, but I don’t want to make out with Caspian.
PETER: WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY, EDMUND.
EDMUND: Nothing, O Magnificent One. Let’s go.

STALKER BOY: Hey there, baby! I saved you a seat.
SUSAN: Oh God, I left Caspian the Super Fine in Narnia!
EDMUND: And I left my torch.
PETER: Well, I’ve got my magnificence right here. Oh yeah.

Comments

( 29 comments — Leave a comment )
telyanofcelore
Aug. 10th, 2012 01:48 pm (UTC)
...and suddenly the WHOLE MOVIE makes so much more sense.
archangelbeth
Aug. 10th, 2012 07:57 pm (UTC)
And suddenly I want to watch the movie! O_O
midnightblooms
Aug. 10th, 2012 02:02 pm (UTC)
Too many lines I want to quote as the most funny. Sexy talk and centaur babes and all the magnificence! And "I'm Edmund the Just So Embarrassed My Brother Said That." No, I have it. The. Best. Line.


CASPIAN: Here I am, waking up in a strange bed. This is not really a new thing for me. Man, my head hurts, I hope whoever she is was hot.
TALKING BADGER: I will make the boy soup!
CASPIAN: OH DEAR GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE.


*DIES* This might just be the best thing I've ever read on the internet ever. Thank you. Thank you so much.
sdskuld
Aug. 10th, 2012 02:14 pm (UTC)
Hooray it is unlost! Thank you!

If you like things that are un-, why not buy and read Unspoken, coming out September 11.
ursulav
Aug. 10th, 2012 02:29 pm (UTC)
I have only vague memories of the movie, but I'm pretty sure I prefer this anyway!
mayanas
Aug. 10th, 2012 02:41 pm (UTC)
LOL. This was hilarious. I haven't seen the movie since it came out, but it all comes back to me now - and now so much better than I remember!
ladyvyola
Aug. 10th, 2012 02:56 pm (UTC)
Oh, dear. That is EXACTLY the movie that I saw. I am such a bad person. But at least I'm not alone!

Also: Edmund! You were always my favorite in the books and Skander Keynes just cemented that fact. And made me feel like a dirty old lady but see above re: being a bad person. I've learned to live with it. (Bought the doublet!)
mizkit
Aug. 10th, 2012 03:05 pm (UTC)
I think I need to make a "I cannot believe I put my battle eyeliner on for this" icon. :)
sarahtales
Aug. 10th, 2012 03:27 pm (UTC)
Share mine. ;)
mizkit
Aug. 10th, 2012 04:19 pm (UTC)
OMG, you have one! <3
jezebellydancer
Aug. 10th, 2012 11:46 pm (UTC)
This is soo awesome, I am stealing it !!

I have a male friend who belly dances and he has told me in the past when talking about rates for dancing that he doesn't put on eyeliner for less than $200. So I laughed extra hard at this comment, because then I pictured Susan in a belly dance costume with armour on top.
kate_nepveu
Aug. 10th, 2012 03:31 pm (UTC)
I am glad I haven't seen this.

(But, "Chinese burn"?!)
sarahtales
Aug. 10th, 2012 04:08 pm (UTC)
Um, is that offensive? I'm sorry! I just assumed it was like Irish dance or Irish coffee: a descriptor.
kate_nepveu
Aug. 10th, 2012 04:19 pm (UTC)
I'd never heard the term before! So I looked it up and (1) I see no particular reason to think it is actually a _Chinese_ practice, as opposed to one of nasty children all around the world and (2) I found "Indian sunburn" listed as a synonym, and as a USian, that says to me "slur," straight-up. (Do the kids who pick these terms up and use them mean them as slurs? Probably not. Are they anyway? Yes. Is it the end of the world? No. Would it be nice if these terms were retired? Yes.)
sarahtales
Aug. 10th, 2012 04:18 pm (UTC)
I assume the answer is yes, so I've changed it. Augh. Serves me right for putting up old stuff.
kate_nepveu
Aug. 10th, 2012 04:20 pm (UTC)
Ah, crossed comments. Thanks! And I didn't realize this was old; I'm so out of it, culturally, that I couldn't have told you when this movie actually came out. =>
sarahtales
Aug. 10th, 2012 04:24 pm (UTC)
Yes, got deleted in the great malicious hacking and deletion-of-blog-because-people-didn't-like-me-writing-books of 2009, and now there's a brand new series coming out I went to dust off a couple things people said they'd missed.
kate_nepveu
Aug. 10th, 2012 04:26 pm (UTC)
I remember that. It sucked. /understatement

Yay some of it coming back, anyway.
coraline73
Aug. 10th, 2012 04:51 pm (UTC)
This is perfect! (and also exactly the film I saw!)
grav_ity
Aug. 10th, 2012 10:42 pm (UTC)
This makes the whole movie hurt less.
hokuton_punch
Aug. 11th, 2012 12:51 am (UTC)
Omg, it's BACK. AND SO BEAUTIFUL AND HILARIOUS. ♥
tsubaki_ny
Aug. 11th, 2012 02:32 am (UTC)
I love this, as I love all your parodies, which is very, very muchly. And I'm glad you managed to recover it. (Fingers crossed you can get more back. That was an awful thing.)

But I do have to do this. It is my nature.

P 96-97: "The next minute or so was very confused. There was an animal roaring, a clash of steel; the boys and Trumpkin ruhed in; Peter had a glimpse of a horrible, grey, gaunt creature, half man and half wolf, in the very act of leaping upon a boy about his own age, and Edmund saw a badger and a Dwarf rolling on the floor in a sort of cat fight."

This is the scene where they first see Caspian face to face. Caspian is a younger child in the flashbacks told to the Pevensies by Trumpkin as he catches them up, and that also seems to be the section of the book where all the illustrations of Caspian are. (The film decided to go chronological instead, and compress time, skipping the part where Caspian spent, apparently, years with the Narnians. Heh -- maybe to avoid paying two actors?)

Edited at 2012-08-11 02:39 am (UTC)
drpaisley
Aug. 11th, 2012 02:41 am (UTC)
When I started reading this wonderful madness, I saw "Doctor Cornelius" and thought, "wait, is this a Narnia/Planet of the Apes crossover I never heard of, thankfully?"

Then I thought perhaps you meant Don Cornelius, and that at some point a "Soul Train" dance line would break out amongst the characters.


Jut a few minutes ago, I was telling my wife Dragonet about this, and I had an epiphany (it's ok, didn't hurt much at all). She looked at me, and knew something horrible was going to happen, and waited.

After a few seconds, I looked at her and said "Gilbert Godfreid is . . . ASLAN!" (if you're not familiar with the supplemental insurance ads with the duck, you are indeed fortunate)

I do think some convention somewhere needs to have a panel with you, Ursulav, and the Bloggess. The world might end, but it will be a very fun way to go.
khek
Aug. 11th, 2012 02:50 am (UTC)
I was giggling through the whole thing, but then I got to:
SUSAN: Oh baby, that’s sweet. But it’ll never work. I am 1300 years old.
CASPIAN: And I am nine.
SUSAN: … Well that’s terrible news! But let’s make out anyway.

And I snorted. Snorted!

At least Susan has this to remember when The Last Battle hits...
askmehow
Aug. 12th, 2012 07:48 pm (UTC)
Outstanding!
rasmusb
Aug. 14th, 2012 04:02 pm (UTC)
I really loved that one. :) But honestly -- Ben Barnes is the only reason I have that DVD in my collection. :)
livejournal
Aug. 17th, 2012 12:04 am (UTC)
Friday Links Fights Crime Like a Discus Thrower
User cassiphone referenced to your post from Friday Links Fights Crime Like a Discus Thrower saying: [...] Brennan also manages to make the world feel better about the Prince Caspian movie with this parody [...]
(Anonymous)
Mar. 5th, 2013 07:09 pm (UTC)
Oh I loved this, soooo funny! And it does mean that the movie makes so much more sense now.....
goth_is_not_emo
Mar. 14th, 2014 01:04 am (UTC)
This is the best Narnia parody I've read yet.
( 29 comments — Leave a comment )

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