PETER JACKSON: Dear Sir Ian, here’s my script of THE HOBBIT. Please come be Gandalf!
SIR IAN MCKELLAN: Nah.
PETER JACKSON: Dear Sir Ian, holy God, the success of these movies rests on your celebrated and award-winning silvery head. Please, please, please be Gandalf! Here’s my revised script, subtitled WIZARDS RULE, DWARVES DROOL, PS YOU’RE HOTTER THAN MICHAEL FASSBENDER.
SIR IAN MCKELLAN: … I will consider this.
Once Sir Ian was in, the movie was on, and the script had to be further elegantly crafted…
SCRIPTWRITERS: Uh, let’s add necromancy!
PETER JACKSON: Excellent.
SCRIPTWRITERS: Evil pale orc who wants a grudge match redo with our dreamy dwarf leader!
PETER JACKSON: Good, good.
SCRIPTWRITERS: Story of how a forest gets infested with giant spiders and goes evil.
PETER JACKSON: Can borrow Forbidden Forest set, check!
SCRIPTWRITER 3: Like, when they’re just walking up mountains, right–so boring, we totally already saw people walk up mountains in THE LORD OF THE RINGS–and they realise that oops, the mountains they’re walking on are actually stone giants throwing bits of stone at each other?
SCRIPTWRITER 1: Jesus, Brad, are you high?
SCRIPTWRITER 2: You’re letting the team down and you’re letting yourself down.
PETER JACKSON: I’ll put in the stone giants, why not!
PETER JACKSON: WE HAVE THREE MOVIES TO FILL HERE, PEOPLE, THIS IS NO TIME TO BE FUSSPOTS!
And so the movie begins.
CAMERA: *slow pan over pastoral landscape*
MUSIC: *ye old hobbyt medley*
AUDIENCE: This is just a shamelessly cynical attempt to cash in on people’s nostalgia for the beautiful sets and epic feeling of THE LORD OF THE–
SARAH: *sobbing* I-i-it’s the SHIIIIIIIRE!
OLD BILBO: Frodo, my lad, I know you think I told you the story of my adventures, but actually, there’s quite a bit more to it than that…
FRODO: That’s amazing, Bilbo!
OLD BILBO: You might have formerly thought my adventures would make a rather short book. In fact, it was more like three quite substantial movies.
FRODO: … For real?
OLD BILBO: You just shut your face. I have four words for you, young hobbit: Breaking Dawn Part Two. Now sit down and listen.
OLD BILBO: … Anyway it’s entirely possible the audience will go to see movie three and after the opening credits there will just be a giant ‘PSYCH’ onscreen.
OLD BILBO: So once, in days long gone by, there was a dwarf kingdom and its king was maybe a little unhinged about his treasure. Get it? Get i–never mind.
OLD BILBO: And as we all know, people with psychological problems attract dragons.
FLASHBACK TO FORTRESS, MANNED BY HANDSOME DWARF PRINCE, ATTACKED BY DRAGON.
OLD BILBO: And then they saw unleashed a blast of unrivalled and relentless hotness.
AUDIENCE: Well, he is VERY attractive.
AUDIENCE: Oh. Oh you meant the dragon, right, our bad…
DWARF KINGDOM: *laid waste*
THRANDUIL KING OF THE ELVES: We should go help our sworn allies, the dwarves. That’s why I came wearing my shiny battle tiara!
ELVEN LIEUTENTANT: Sir, your son young Prince Legolas has got hold of that movie Brave, thrown out all his silken frocks and set up a strict five a.m. to nine p.m. archery schedule at the elven court.
THRANDUIL: Wait, what? What? No! I left strict orders that my elven subjects should do my will and PARTY DOWN!
THRANDUIL: Screw this! We’re going home.
THORIN DREAMBOATSHIELD, PRINCE OF THE DWARVES AND INTERNATIONAL DWARF PINUP: … Elves are assholes.
OLD BILBO: And Thorin never forgave. And he never forgot. And he never got any less dreamy.
Meanwhile, in the Shire…
BILBO: Another wonderful day of surfing Pinterest for more ideas about doilies!
GANDALF: Hi, young Bilbo. Want an adventure?
YOUNG BILBO: Is that a type of vacuum cleaner? Anyway, no thanks, I’m cool.
DWALIN: Hey dude, got any grub?
BILBO: Is this a dwarfish outreach program?
FILI AND KILI: Well, hello, can we come in? Incidentally, we are part-time models and the front men in the new dwarf boyband One Dwarfrection.
BILBO: Ahahaha, the thing is, I filled out that ‘Hot Young Dwarves’ Playmate’ form by accident…
OTHER DWARVES: All literally arrive in an anonymous heap.
BILBO: ARE YOU DWARFHOVAH’S WITNESSES?
BILBO: I don’t want to join your dwarf boyband!
GANDALF: I think you’re about to change your mind, Bilbo. I hope the audience remembers the hot dwarf from the last flashback…
AUDIENCE: WE SURE DO.
GANDALF: A slightly silver fox now, but no less foxy.
THORIN DREAMBOATSHIELD: I would have arrived earlier but frankly you were juggling plates and singing about the washing up and I’m not in for that.
THORIN DREAMBOATSHIELD: So I stood around outside letting the rain wash down my chiseled profile, staring out into the night and thinking about my dark past, as is my way.
THORIN DREAMBOATSHIELD: NOT A JOLLY DWARF.
THORIN DREAMBOATSHIELD: *but very chiseled*
GANDALF: May I introduce Thorin Dreamboatshield, the rightful king of the dwarves? Also Mr December in the Dreamy Dwarves of Middle Earth calendar, because you want to end the year right. And November, because that’s a month when people really need cheering up. Also October, September, August, July, June, May, April, March, January…
BILBO: But not February?
GANDALF: We figured Fili and Kili together would be hot enough so that people could do without Thorin for one month.
FILI AND KILI:
GANDALF: We picked the shortest month.
FILI AND KILI:
GANDALF: How about you take along the hobbit because I say, bucko?
THORIN: You’re not the boss of me! You know how I know that? Because I am KING.
DWARVES: All hail His Majesty.
FILI & KILI: All hail Mr January!
BILBO: … Hey, the dwarves are gone. Wow, my home looks a lot less studly.
BILBO: Bilbo, you fool, what have you done. You will never meet dwarves that chiseled again!
BILBO: CAN’T STOP NOW FARMER GAMGEE I’M OFF TO JOIN AN ALL-DWARF MALE MODELLING GROUP!
BALIN: Let me tell you the tale of how Thorin’s people went to war for another lost homeland–dwarves have many lost homelands it’s a thing–and Thorin’s father was darkly and mysteriously disappeared, and Thorin’s grandpa’s head was cut off in a non-mysterious but really asshole fashion, and let me tell you how Thorin led the battle despite being so young and supple and good-looking, and saved his people.
BALIN: That’s right–Thorin has TWO angsty, tragic backstories!
BALIN: Compared to Thorin Dreamboatshield, Batman is a whiny little crybaby
THORIN DREAMBOATSHIELD, OTHERWISE KNOWN AS BATDWARF: *stares moodily into the darkness, contemplating his tragic backstory*
BALIN: And Thorin faced down their great leader, some sort of pale orc, and cut off his hand, and fed it to a crocodile-
BILBO: I think I remember this story from somewhere el-
GANDALF: And from that day the pale orc was known as Captain Ho – Captain Horc.
DWALIN: No-one’s been like Thorin, a king-pin like Thorin.
FILI AND KILI: No-one’s got a swell cleft in his chin like Thorin!
THORIN DREAMBOATSHIELD: As a specimen? Yes, I’m intimidating.
BILBO: So, look, just in case you’re ever taking a nap when evil comes a-knocking, what other wizards could we rely on to save us?
GANDALF: Uh, let me see, there’s Saruman the Totally Not Evil, two other wizards who totally won’t be appearing in these movies even though there are three whole movies to fill up, I don’t even know, and Rabadash the Brown.
GANDALF: My bad, that’s Narnia. Understandable mistake, Tolkien and C.S. Lewis were bros. Radagast. That’s him. Radagast the Brown. And he’ll be appearing in this movie right about… now.
COSTUME DESIGNER: Hee hee hee I’m going to put birdpoop in Radagast’s hair.
AUDIENCE: Now we know who Scriptwriter 3 was getting high with…
RADAGAST THE BROWN: I really need to deep-cleanse and condition my hair, and I really need to sort out the eldritch evil consuming my forest, but first things first: must tend to an adorable hedgehog!
AUDIENCE: Uh… did Radagast just bring a hedgehog back from the dead?
AUDIENCE: D’awww, little zombie hedgehog! Most cutest zombie in the world!
RADAGAST: Time to investigate the fortress of darkness where I suspect evil may just be afoot!
GHOST OF EVIL WITCH KING ANGMAR: *attacks Radagast, drops sword, retreats in extreme embarrassment*
RADAGAST: This means necromancy, the darkest of all dark magics!
RADAGAST: … Except hedgehog necromancy. That’s 100 % okay.
GANDALF: Let’s go visit the elves!
THORIN DREAMBOATSHIELD: Nope I don’t want to go visit the elves. Because all elves are assholes, is why.
FILI AND KILI: Bilbo, could you investigate the mysterious disappearance of our ponies? We just don’t want our handsome leader to make the attractively disappointed face at us… Our hearts would break if we let down Mr January.
FILI AND KILI: We’re almost totally certain the ponies haven’t been stolen by gigantic vicious trolls.
TROLLS: Boogers! Murder! Stealing stuff and eating people! Also, boogers.
BILBO: My almost eerie intuition and people skills tell me these guys are evil and also gross.
BILBO: *immediately captured*
DWARVES: Man, Bilbo is not stealth.
KILI: I’LL SAVE YOU, BILBO!
DWARVES: Mind you, we’re not really ones to talk about stealth.
THORIN DREAMBOATSHIELD: NOW IS MY TIME 2 SHINE! Blue steel! BLUE STEEL AXE IN THE FACE!
DWARVES: Is he bold? No one braver.
DWARVES: Is he sweet? Our favourite flavour.
TROLLS: Put down your weapons or the hobbit gets it!
THORIN DREAMBOATSHIELD: Okay, let’s drop our weapons, and I’m sure we can talk this out like reasonable peop-
CUT TO: dwarves being roasted on a spit
GANDALF: saves the day with magical rock-splitting!
DWARVES: Oh no, now we’re on the run from orcs!
DWARVES: I wonder which wizard will save us.
RADAGAST: Unexpectedly, it is me! I will lead them away on my sled manned by rabbits faster than jungle cats!
SCRIPTWRITERS: I’m sure the racehorse rabbits will kill it onscreen. They will be hilarious.
GANDALF: Take a hit off my pipe, Radagast. Yeah, these movies make a LOT more sense when you know I’m high literally the whole time, don’t they?
RADAGAST: Thanks Gandalf! Here’s a plot point.
DWARVES: Was that weird? We feel like that was weird.
GANDALF: We’ve got three movies to get through, people, enough of your bellyaching.
DWARVES: Easy for you to talk. You’re HIGH.
DWARVES: Oh no, we’re still on the run from orcs!
THORIN DREAMBOATSHIELD: Kili, can you kill them all with your bow and arrow?
KILI: I don’t think I have… four hundred arrows…
THORIN DREAMBOATSHIELD: You disappoint me Kili. Your name is not ‘Pick Off A Few, Maybe Maim Another, Then Run Out of Arrows’-i.
THORIN DREAMBOATSHIELD: Back to Plan B: Wait for Gandalf to save our dwarf asses.
DWARVES: We love Plan B.
GANDALF: Quick I know this detour which will coincidentally take us real near the elves!
GANDALF: saves the day by leading the orcs to the elves!
THORIN: Gandalf I don’t know how I could have been any more clear on the subject of elves.
GANDALF: Oh come on, Elrond has a sweet home movie theatre.
BILBO: I wonder if I should get Elrond to look at my sword.
DWALIN: If you’re talking about making a pass, bad idea, Elrond don’t play that way, though I hear Thranduil is a freak every day of the week. If you’re talking about your letter opener–
BILBO: Why would elves enchant a letter opener to glow every time evil was near?
DWALIN: Nothing worse than orcs getting the jump on you when you’re trying to open your latest amazon package.
ELROND: *sigh* I had ordered my special box set of Gilmore Girls.
ELROND: As it happens, I can read your mystical map! Quickly, let us to the elven waterfalls avec giant sparkly crystal where I do all my light reading!
THORIN DREAMBOATSHIELD: *sigh* All elves are assholes.
GALADRIEL: Hi Gandalf! Do you like my sparkly elf wedding dress? I got it at Forever 21.
GANDALF: Babe, you look like a million Middle-Earth-currency-whatsits.
ELROND: Oh God, gross, it’s like seeing your mom and a really grizzled baby making out.
SARUMAN: I’m also here, your noble and incorruptible leader, Saruman The Totally Not Evil.
GANDALF: Thank goodness you’re both here. Check out this plot point: it’s an undead sword.
SARUMAN: Explain to me again… the concept of an undead sword…
SARUMAN: Forget about people coming back from the dead and whole forests going evil, I’m sure that’s nothing important, la la la. What really concerns ME is the handful of dwarves currently braiding each others’ hair in their jammies.
GANDALF: (psychically) I hope you noticed my sparkly scarf and fingerless gloves.
GALADRIEL (psychically) : Mmmmhmmm. I love me an elderly hipster wizard.
AUDIENCE: So basically that’s how Saruman slipped under the radar the whole time. We assumed it was devilish cunning, but actually Saruman was yapping ‘Blah, blah, blah, I’m obviously evil, blerderder’ and Gandalf and Galadriel were too busy playing telepathic footsie to notice?
ELF: Lord Elrond, some bad news, we may have lost a dwarf or two.
ELROND: Let’s be clear. Did you lose all the dwarves or just some of the dwarves?
ELF: … All of the dwarves.
SARUMAN: How did you intuit from all their muttering ‘Elves are assholes’ and ‘Let’s blow this lembas stand’ that the dwarves would just get their information and get the hell out of dodge?
GALADRIEL: Oh Gandalf, you are such a maverick.
GANDALF: You know it, babe.
DWARVES: Questin’… and this is how quests go!
From sun on the grass to mountains’n'snow!
Middle Earth has got a lot of scenery bro!
To see it all we’re going to need a quest montage!
Oooh it takes a quest montage!
DWARVES: So these scenic mountains are actually stone giants hitting each other with stone?
DWARVES: R U 4 REAL, PETER JACKSON?
PETER JACKSON: Where are your dwarf gods nows?
AUDIENCE: So are the stone giants cannibals or are they just, like, berserker fighters who will rip off an arm and hit someone else with it?
STONE GIANTS: QUIT HITTIN URSELF.
BILBO: *pretty reasonably, falls off moving cliff*
THORIN DREAMBOATSHIELD: *rescues him*
AUDIENCE: Thorin Dreamboatshield, you–you DID SOMETHING! Like, in the present! You did something, yes you did, yes you did!
THORIN DREAMBOATSHIELD: Hobbits are junk.
AUDIENCE: … Wow, doing things sure makes Thorin Dreamboatshield cranky.
BILBO: I can’t stay here! Thorin Dreamboatshield thinks I am not truly one of you! He will never accept me as part of your dwarf flash mob/popular kid crowd/ice hockey team! He only asked me to prom on a bet!
DWARF WITH THE FUNNY HAT: I wish you all the luck in the world, Bilbo.
BILBO: And I wish you dwarves could’ve mentioned your names a bit more frequently, because I feel like this is a very warm and special moment between us, Dwarf With The Funny Hat.
DWARF WITH THE FUNNY HAT: Is that your sword glowing with eldritch light because we are about to be swallowed by a goblin kingdom or are you just happy to see me?
GOBLIN KING: Oh my God, I recognise you from the Dreamy Dwarves of Middle Earth calendar! Holy crap, I’m going to sell you for a ton of money! Like, just the head. Captain Horc doesn’t want you for your body.
GOBLIN KING: … Unlike the rest of Middle Earth.
DWALIN: Holy crap, the Goblin King’s huge hanging wattled chin looks exactly like a scrot-
BALIN: DWALIN PLEASE, THERE ARE INNOCENT YOUNG DWARVES PRESENT!
BILBO: Uh, later guys, I just remembered I left the iron on in Bag End…
GOBLINS: Now frisk the dwarves! Explore their every crevice! Especially the good-lookin’ ones.
FILI & KILI: … Eeeep.
THORIN DREAMBOATSHIELD: Eh. Groped by goblins. You spoiled young people act as if you’ve never had depraved liberties taken with your person by creatures of the underworld before.
BILBO: Yikes, am in a cave that is largely underground and . Oh hello there, are you a friendly local guide?
GOLLUM: In a casually cannibalistic manner of speaking…
GOLLUM: I expect you’re in a rush to save your friends?
BILBO: Not really. Do you have an Xbox down here?
GOLLUM: No, but I have a phone. The reception down here is terrible, but could you go for a game of Angry Birds?
BILBO: What with this and the shiny ring I found on the floor, I’m having a pretty good day. Shame about Thorin Dreamboatshield and the others, of course.
DWARVES: Yep, we’re about to be mercilessly ripped to pieces by goblins.
GOBLINS: It’s possible we’ll keep Fili and Kili to be our sex slaves.
FILI AND KILI: We insist on being mercilessly ripped to pieces!
GANDALF: saves the day with sweet ninja moves!
GOLLUM: Dude, give me back my ring, what is your problem?!
BILBO: Huh, my ring turns me invisible. So, like… I’m invisible, and armed, and this dude has his back to me… maybe I should stab him? Would that be a reasonably heroic thing to do? I think yes!
BILBO: Aw, man, Gollum cried a single manly tear like the wicked but devilishly handsome older brother on the Vampire Diaries! Now I just can’t.
BILBO: … I sure hope the DVR at Bag End is recording all of the Vampire Diaries.
DWARVES: Hey, where’s Bilbo?
BILBO: Look, I didn’t help you guys escape, I didn’t break out badass ninja moves like Gandalf, I slurked around in some caves and indulged in some petty theft, the absolute least I could do is show up once the danger is over. And here I am… showing up.
FILI AND KILI: You can join our band! We’ve decided our new band name is ‘Helpless Incompetents.’
BILBO: Huzzah! I shall play the tambourine.
DWARVES: Oh, man, out of the goblinesque frying pan into the orctabulous fire.
THORIN DREAMBOATSHIELD: Get into the trees! Orcs and the giant magic wolves they ride on can’t climb!
CAPTAIN HORC: Of course we can. I mean, we all have hands? I mean, MOST OF US have TWO hands, THORIN DREAMBOATSHIELD.
THORIN DREAMBOATSHIELD: My bad, guys. I totally thought I saw it on the Discovery Channel.
GANDALF: saves the day with flaming pine cone grenades!
THORIN DREAMBOATSHIELD: dun dun dun!
THORIN DREAMBOATSHIELD: running through the fire, wind in his hair!
THORIN DREAMBOATSHIELD: his hair doesn’t go on fire because he’s just that man–dwarfly.
THORIN DREAMBOATSHIELD: dun dun dun!
AND ALL THE LADIES SAY: there are no ladies in this movie, but if there were, they’d probably like Thorin.
AND ALL THE LADIES SAY: okay there was Galadriel, but she never actually met Thorin.
THORIN DREAMBOATSHIELD: Thorin’s gonna getcha!
THORIN DREAMBOATSHIELD: I am vengeance! I am the night!
FILI AND KILI: What a dwarf!
BALIN: His hair, his hair falls perfectly without him tryin’/He’s so beautiful/And I tell him every day
FILI AND KILI AND BALIN: If perfect’s what you’re searching for/Then just stay the same! When I see your face/There’s not a thing that I would change/ ‘Cause girl you’re amazing!
GANDALF: Does anyone want to go back Thorin up?
DWARVES IN THE TREE: Um, duh? We are Thorin’s back-up. We’re his back-up dancers.
GANDALF: This misunderstanding explains a lot.
DWARVES IN THE TREE: Like a knight in shiiiiining armour/From a long time ago/Just in time he’s gonna save the day/Take you to his castle far awaaaaaaaaa–oh.
THORIN DREAMBOATSHIELD: *thumped mightily by Captain Horc, thrown on his ass, thrown on his ass again*
DWARVES IN THE TREE: Oh. Oh, ow. Oh, that’s gotta sting. Oh, I think he put his back out.
THORIN DREAMBOATSHIELD: … Little help here…
CAPTAIN HORC: You should’ve been doing yoga all these years. Yoga keeps you super flexible.
CAPTAIN HORC’S LARGE MAGIC WOLF: *Thorin-chomps*
DWARVES IN THE TREE: Shake it off, Thorin, shake it off! Feel the bite and do it anyway! Oh, ow. Man, that did not look fun. Yikes, right in the… I can’t watch. How’s he doing?
GANDALF: A bit not good.
GANDALF: In years to come they will sing of the Epic Total Crushing Smackdown of Thorin Dreamboatshield.
CAPTAIN HORC: Could someone be a love and fetch me Thorin’s head.
DWARVES IN THE TREE: NOT THE FACE! NOT THE FACE!
BILBO: Okay that is ENOUGH this has got completely out of hand!
BILBO: You leave Thorin Dreamboatshield ALONE you big bullies!
CAPTAIN HORC: Eh? What is that? Someone fetch a flyswatter.
AUDIENCE: Is this where Thorin gets up and saves Bilbo, or when Bilbo overcomes the odds and–
THORIN DREAMBOATSHIELD: *swoons*
BILBO: Augh, that flyswatter really smarts! *falls over*
AUDIENCE: *facepalm* This is just getting embarrassing.
GANDALF: I can’t save the day I have to save two dwarves from falling to their deaths!
AUDIENCE: Does this mean the dwarves or the hobbit are going to have to do something useful?
GANDALF: No don’t worry I sent a butterfly off to fetch giant magical birdies to carry us all away and save the day!
AUDIENCE: But why are we having a quest at all if there are giant magical bir–
GANDALF: If you start thinking along those lines you will ruin the entire THE LORD OF THE RINGS series for yourselves. Do you want that? Well do you, punk?
GANDALF: Okay Thorin basically got half eaten by a giant magic wolf, buddy, I think you need a hospi-
THORIN DREAMBOATSHIELD: Medical attention is for wusses and elves. All I needed was a quick nap in a giant bird’s claws and also forty winks on some bare rock. Now I’m fighting fit!
THORIN DREAMBOATSHIELD: Bilbo, you know how I’ve been a relentless asshole for the entirety of this movie?
BILBO: But so chiseled.
THORIN DREAMBOATSHIELD: In a shocking twist, I am impressed by your moxie and under my gruff but chiseled exterior, I have a heart of gold.
BILBO: I didn’t really accomplish much. Basically I meant well and then we were all rescued by Gandalf.
THORIN: That is the spirit of our fellowship! On our glorious shared tomb will be inscribed the words ‘U TRIED BUDDY… U TRIED.’
BILBO: … Is a quick feel totally out of the question?
THORIN DREAMBOATSHIELD: … Very quick.
THORIN DREAMBOATSHIELD: Please be gentle, I was just gnawed on by a giant magic wolf.
I went to see this movie yesterday with two friends, both much less nerdy than me. One disliked it, one liked it fine, and I obviously really liked it, because I just spent ages writing a parody. I mean, I think it was flawed, but I really liked it just the same!
Parodies are always done in a spirit of love here. Happy holidays, and I hope you liked it. If you should wish to continue readin’ funny things by me, here is a shameless link to my latest book! If you have already read it, m’friend, thank you for the Christmas present.