I have written you a parody, sweet internet, as a belated Christmas gift! I hope you enjoy it. My special thanks go to James, Rachael and Caitriona, who went to see the movie with me, especially for putting up with me declaiming dwarf poetry in public places (both times).
OUR MOVIE OPENS ON: The Prancing Pony, the bar where all exiled royalty go to smoke up & throw down.
THE SCENE: is grim, dark, and damp.
PETER JACKSON: *eats a carrot, grimly and darkly*
THORIN: All I want is to eat some food and admire my own reflection in a tin cup.
GANDALF: Let’s talk about how to combine my two interests: quests & hobbits.
12 MONTHS LATER: on a quest with a hobbit.
BILBO: We’re being chased by orcs, as in the previous movie, and by a giant bear, which is new and distressing. Thoughts? Solutions?
DWARVES: We’re looking at you, Gandalf.
GANDALF: I’m looking unsurprised, dwarves. Okay, we can take refuge in the house of an unpredictable dude I know who might kill us.
THORIN: What I’m hearing is ‘not an elf.’
THORIN: … And I like what I hear.
DWARVES: Holy god the bear almost ran right into the house.
GANDALF: Probably because this is the bear’s house.
DWARVES: Let’s get this straight. You hid us from the bear in the bear’s house? Wizards tread a fine line between cryptic and crazy bullshit and, Gandalf, 2 u the line is a dot!
ORCS: Well, our pack of giant wolves could never defeat that one bear! Time to quit.
AZOG: I must leave this movie, in order to serve the dark lord.
AZOG: But what would the Hobbit BE, without an evil orc pursuer?
AUDIENCE: It might somewhat resemble the book!
AZOG: I’m delegating the dwarf hunt to Lazy Eye the Orc!
LAZY EYE: It’s an honour.
BEAR: runs through Budweiser commercial, becomes man
BEORN: I suppose you were expecting a long Beorn sequence like in the books?
AUDIENCE: Well, yes, I mean, this is one short book turned into three long mov-
BEORN: What you don’t know is that as well as being a bear, I am now also a ninja. Blink and you’ll miss me. I am a ninja bear. Milk?
BILBO: It sure was nice of that ninja bear to give us ponies. Oh ninja bear, we hardly knew ye.
THORIN: On to Mirkwood forest! It looks possessed by evil.
GANDALF: I LOVE it!
DWARVES: It’s become clear to us all that Gandalf is a danger junkie who goes bungee jumping on the weekends.
GANDALF: Wait, I’ve just thought of something possibly even more dangerous I could do. Enjoy the cursed forest y’all!
BILBO: Wait before you go, I had something to tell you, uh, it’s on the tip of my tongue, rhymes with: snark bored thing!
BILBO: Dark… lord’s… you use it to bind them all. Dark Lord’s rope. Dark Lord’s fuzzy handcuffs. Hang on.
GANDALF: Tell me later. I promise I’ll be back before the climactic action of the movie. Pinky swear!
BILBO: I’m sure we’ll be fine on our own in the forest!
DWARVES AND BILBO: immediately get high on spider fumes
DWARVES AND BILBO: and kidnapped by giant spiders
BILBO: Hey the Ring makes me able to understand the giant spiders who have kidnapped us! Invisibility cloak & evil language translator, is there anything the ring can’t do? It’s like a naughty pocket knife.
SPIDERS: Dwarf for breakfast, hobbit for second breakfast!
BILBO: Why won’t this magic translator ring turn off!
GIANT SPIDERS: We’d like to eat the dwarves. The trolls called us and said it was what all the cool kids were doing these days and were we ready to rock?
DWARVES: We are surely doomed!
SCENE: But who is that, twirling through the trees like a Tarzan who took ballet? LEGOLAS!
LEGOLAS: Stupid dwarves. Stupid sexy dwarves. You’re our prisoners now.
AUDIENCE: Who put that stick up Legolas’s butt?
LEGOLAS: Please do not speak of that painful prank.
LEGOLAS: Ew who is this a picture of?
GLOIN: My wife!
LEGOLAS: My condolences.
GLOIN: All elves are assholes.
LEGOLAS: Whoa whoa hold onto everything who is THAT?
GLOIN: My darling son Gimli.
LEGOLAS: AND IS HE DATING ANYONE?
GLOIN: He’s sixty-two, he’s much too young to date!
LEGOLAS: So what I’m hearing is young, single and ready to mingle? Papa like.
GLOIN: Papa DOES NOT LIKE!
LEGOLAS: I’m sorry but I’m going to have to keep this picture as, uh, evidence.
FILI: You can take my blades but you can’t take my swagger.
ELF GUARDS: Give us that other blade in your hood. And that other one. Jesus this dwarf is like a blond cutlery drawer with a strut.
FILI: … Dammit. I wonder what my little bro is up to? No doubt also resisting the elven menace!
KILI: AHHH GIANT SPIDERS! I need a hero! I’m holding out for a hero/’Til the morning light/She’s gotta be sure/And it’s gotta be soon/And she’s gotta be larger than life.
TAURIEL: You rang? And I shot and stabbed four giant spiders?
KILI: Why do giant spiders suddenly appear/Every time you draw near?/Just like me they long to be/Close to you!
KILI: Oh no I am your captive! I am utterly helpless in your hands.
TAURIEL: Don’t worry, I’m not going to mistreat a prisoner.
KILI: I volunteer for a cavity search!
TAURIEL: No dice but I like your moxie.
LEGOLAS: Why does that dwarf stare at you, Tauriel?
TAURIEL: Uh, have you seen me? Teeth, good. Hair, beautiful. Kill count, in the thousands. What’s not to like? And hey, that dwarf is tall for a dwarf.
TAURIEL: Also dreamy for a carbon-based life-form of any sort.
LEGOLAS: He’s hideous.
TAURIEL: Legolas, tell me what your elf eyes see, seriously, I think you might need elf spectacles. Is it Aidan Turner’s babelicious face?
LEGOLAS: I don’t think dwarves are hot Tauriel GOD OKAY? I DON’T! What are you trying to imply?
(meanwhile, in the cells, due to different beauty standards confusion)
DWARVES: Ha ha that elf is making fun of your looks and calling you tall!
KILI: I don’t care I think she’s beautiful! I’m going to tell her she has the beginnings of a fine ginger beard!
IN THE THRONE ROOM OF THE ELVEN KING: Look upon the elf king’s immaculately threaded eyebrows & despair!
THRANDUIL: As one incredibly good-looking king to another, what say we make a deal?
BALIN: And then what did you say, Thorin?
THORIN: I made an anatomically impossible suggestion involving his elk, his tiara and a stick of celery!
BALIN: … Thorin you will look great on our money but you are not a diplomat…
THORIN: Ugh, elves!
BILBO: Just sneaking around invisibly in the elf fortress, watching the elves get undressed and have personal conversations.
THRANDUIL: Watch out, girl, because Legolas fancies you.
TAURIEL: Yeah, that’s Legolas, Your Majesty. He sure is… attracted to females of his own species.
THRANDUIL: Little scamp.
TAURIEL: How’d you come to that brilliant conclusion?
THRANDUIL: I couldn’t help but overhear you coming in today saying ‘Stupid sexy princes staring at me with that look in their eye!’ Who else could you have meant?
TAURIEL: You’re a regular Sherlock Holmes.
THRANDUIL: Is that a dragon? Sounds like a dragon’s name to me. Ugh, dragons!
TAURIEL: Do you ever think that perhaps if the whole world outside Mirkwood becomes a wasteland full of giant evil spiders and giant evil sorcerers, that might go poorly for us?
THRANDUIL: Do you ever think there’s more to life than being really, really ridiculously good-looking? No, me either.
TAURIEL: Forgive me for inquiring about your personal life, but did you model for the Mr February picture in the Dreamy Dwarves of Middle Earth calendar?
KILI: Er… yes.
TAURIEL: I, uh, really admire your work.
TAURIEL: So we’re having a party because of the starlight. Partially because our king is a total lush, but also partially because elves are super into light. So into it. Sooo into it.
KILI: I think I’m picking up what you’re laying down here, girl.
KILI: So this one time, I saw a… fire moon, which as you can imagine, gives off a lot of light…
TAURIEL: Down in the basement, lock the cellar door, and baby, talk dirty to me.
LEGOLAS: GOD I’M LONELY.
FILI: As the dwarf in the cell nearest to you, Legolas… Don’t even think about it. Don’t even think about thinking about it.
THORIN: Obviously, given my stance on elves, making a pass would be suicide.
LEGOLAS: *bursts into tears and runs away to practice his archery*
BILBO: I’ve come to free you all!
THORIN: That’s wonderful news, Bilbo! The light of my handsomeness shines approvingly upon you.
KILI: That’s awesome, Bilbo, but could we remain in dread captivity for like, two more days…?
BILBO: This way to the cellar where you’re going to hide in barrels!
KILI: Three, tops.
ELVES: One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, gotta get some more.
ELVES: Seriously all our barrels are empty.
ELVES: Say what you want about coke fueled rages and all our tax money spent on tiaras, the king knows how to party.
DWARVES: *escape in barrels but are hampered by elf soldiers, elf drawbridge and orc diversion*
KILI: I’ll raise the drawbridge, Uncle Thorin!
ORC: I’ll shoot that hot dwarf in the leg, Uncle Lazy Eye!
FILI: Kili!!!!! I’m all out of knives, you don’t want to know where that last one was hidden!
TAURIEL: I’ll save you (for the second time in a total of four times in this movie) boo!
KILI: Did my heart love til now? Forswear it, sight! For I never saw orcs stabbed in the face by a lady til this night.
DWARVES: *escape in barrels down a waterfall*
BOFUR: I wish Gandalf were here. You know how that freaky guy loves white water rafting.
CAPTURED ORC: You know the black-haired young dwarf—
TAURIEL: The hot one. You mean the hot one.
ORC: Somewhat gifted in the facialur region, yes. The archer.
TAURIEL: He does archery? Hold my extensive weaponry Legolas, I fear I may swoon.
ORC: … So we shot him…
TAURIEL: Tell me his star sign. Favourite food? Favourite colour? Tell me more about our common interests!
ORC: Are you poisoned by our evil arrows? Because he sure is.
TAURIEL: … I’m going to RIP OFF your HEAD.
ORC: I thought we were having a fun time with girltalk! What is this hostility about?
LEGOLAS: So you might have wondered why Tauriel got all het up about a dwarf just now…
THRANDUIL: Son I have been drunk for fifteen hundred years I have noooo idea what’s going on.
LEGOLAS: That explains all your fancy frocks.
THRANDUIL: But one thing I do know is that I look amazing!
THRANDUIL: You may be wondering why I cut off that orc’s head, and you may be wondering about why I encourage evil spiders to roam the land, and you may be wondering why our forest is accursed, and you may be wondering about various garments in my elven wardrobe, and you may go on wondering, because loose lips sink ships and I wish to preserve my elven mystique.
LEGOLAS: Dad why do you have to be so cryptic and long-winded you are not a wizard.
LEGOLAS: Dad you are embarrassing me!
LEGOLAS: Legolas loves short declarative sentences!
LEGOLAS: Where’s Tauriel?
GUARD: She ran out of the door yelling ‘I’ll save you my sweet dwarfsel in distress!’
LEGOLAS: I’m sure you misheard her. She was probably saying something about needing to use the loo.
LEGOLAS: … Excuse me for just a moment.
LEGOLAS: You cannot go running into Laketown because you want the d!
LEGOLAS: The dwarf. I was using text speak.
TAURIEL: Oh, right. Let’s do it for Middle Earth, Legolas!
LEGOLAS: Come home right now young lady.
TAURIEL: I bet you could steal Gloin’s phone and get that hot redhead’s number.
LEGOLAS: Okay, but only for Middle Earth!
DWARVES: Hello handsome smuggler, what way is it to Laketown? Has anyone told you that you look kind of like the young pirate in Pirates of the Caribbean? Or if… pause, picture it… someone were to put some kind of a dark wig and sideburns on a certain elf of our acquaintance…
BARD: We live under the cruel reign of Wicked Ginger Stephen Fry, none can enter Laketown!
BALIN: What up smuggler dude, u got kids, u wanna make some money?
THORIN: Ugh, civility!
DWARVES: Okay let’s pool all our cash.
GLOIN: I gotta save money for Gimli’s dowry
BALIN: Are you sure about that, ’cos it seems to me that someone liked what those elf eyes saw.
GLOIN: SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY, but mostly shut up!
KILI: While we’re on the subject, I’m writing some incredibly romantic poetry, and I’m just checking—what rhymes with ‘elf’?
THORIN: Barf rhymes with elf.
BARD: I’m going to smuggle you all in, hidden in barrels and covered in dead fish!
BARD: I have a spare barrel to be filled with dead fish that Bilbo can hide in.
BILBO: … yay?
BARD: I use it as a chamber pot.
GANDALF: So I want to investigate the evil arising in our land, but something really awful could be happening to those poor dwarves and that hobbit, who are all morally speaking my responsibility…
RADAGAST: Yes, but let me present to you an ancient wizard saying, full of wisdom. ‘Screw those guys.’
GANDALF: *strokes beard* There is much in what you say, Radagast.
RADAGAST: And a rep for being unreliable and off doing your wizard thang could get you out of a lot of the boring bits of questing in future.
GANDALF: Very sage. Much wise.
BARD: Hey, let me into Laketown. Ah, poor man’s Wormtongue, what’s up?
POOR MAN’S WORMTONGUE: That is hurtful! My name is Alfred!
DWARVES: And now to sneak in sneakily, like dwarf ninjas!
LADY OF LAKETOWN: … I see handsome dwarves.
POOR MAN’S WORMTONGUE: I think, due to the fact Bard sassed me one time, that he might be planning to democratise Laketown.
WICKED GINGER STEPHEN FRY: O God, poverty & injustice don’t exist in countries with democracy! Something must be done!
THORIN: Ugh, Laketown, where they failed to shoot a magic arrow at a dragon like the losers they are!
BALIN: Please excuse Thorin. He gets very angry at people with bad aim. He is a terror at carnivals.
BARD’S CHILDREN: Father, what are these unsettlingly attractive tiny men doing in our home?
BARD: Don’t worry about a thing, children, I’m just going to arm them and let them go free.
THORIN: These weapons are junk.
BALIN: These weapons will do fine. We’re kind of on the clock here.
THORIN: Ugh, logic! Let’s break into the armoury.
DWARVES: Okay Bard, we’ve gotta go enact Thorin’s crazy plan because he’s the king. So long and thanks for all the fish.
BARD: Wait… Thorin… this reminds me of an ancient prophecy I saw embroidered into an old tapestry…
THORIN: There is no way this breaking-into-the-armoury plan could ever fail!
KILI: *swoons in the armoury, makes a racket.*
THORIN: … Just elf everything. Just elf everything right to hell.
BARD: Tapestry with ancient prophecy, tapestry with ancient… here it is!
The royals will return
The last of Durin’s line
Oh they won’t be the brightest
But they will be super fine
Watch the king strut his stuff
Commend your souls to God
We will make poor life choices
Cause he’s got a bangin’ bod
BARD: … oh no.
WICKED GINGER STEPHEN FRY: To the dungeons with these dwarves!
THORIN: Stop! Before you arrest me, ask yourselves: am I… unusually handsome?
BARD: Don’t listen to him, listen to me! I’m pretty hot myself.
WICKED GINGER STEPHEN FRY: Wasn’t it your ancestor who failed to shoot a magic arrow at a dragon? Ha ha ha!
PEOPLE OF LAKETOWN: Oooh, burn! And we mean that literally! Bard’s grandpa sure didn’t win many ring tosses!
THORIN: You’ve got the assorted weaponry, I’ve got the looks, let’s make lots of money!
PEOPLE OF LAKETOWN: All hail the king!
THORIN: Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.
THORIN: Fili, we’re leaving your baby brother behind in Laketown.
FILI: That’s madness, Uncle Thorin. Have you seen my baby brother? He is adorable!
THORIN: You’re going to be king one day, Fili, because you are of the line of Hottie Dwarves. Ours is the Hotness. And the crown. And sometimes being king means saying ‘screw that guy.’
FILI: Screw you, Uncle Thorin.
THORIN: That’s not—that’s not what I meant at—get back here young man!
BILBO: I’m sure Gandalf didn’t totally leave us here to die.
THORIN: Oh you sweet summer child. Forward!
BILBO: …But he pinky promised!
GANDALF, WHO IS INDEED MANY MILES AWAY AT AN EVIL FORTRESS, HAVING TOTALLY LEFT THEM TO DIE: Reveal yourselves evil beings!
HUGE ORC ARMY: Hi.
GANDALF: I regret my life choices
(Here I must break off in my parody to tell a personal story. Recently I went to France with my mum and dad, and this conversation occurred.
SARAH: What do you mean, you don’t know the way?!
DAD: I thought you’d tell me, because you have the goo goo maps.
DAD: All young people have the goo goo maps. On their phones, you know.
MUM: ‘Gauche’ means right!
SARAH: Let me out of this car!
What I’m trying to say is, giving Thorin a map was dwarf cruelty by Gandalf, and that experience was exactly what seeing the dwarves try to find their way to Erebor was like.)
THORIN: Damn you, goo goo maps!
BILBO: Guys? Guys, this way.
BALIN: ‘Gauche’ means right!
BILBO: Guys, over here.
BILBO: Well if Thorin is like Aragorn, and the spiders are like trolls, then maybe this dwarf door is hidden with a riddle like in The Two Towers…?
MORAL: All dwarf doors are hidden with riddles.
MORAL: Dwarves love to mess with you.
THORIN: Ugh dwarves!
FILI: Bard, let us in!
BARD: No, I hate you guys!
FILI: Kili is attractively disheveled and seems to have orc poison consumption!
BARD’S TEENAGE DAUGHTERS AND SON: Come in, come in, we’re huge fans of One Dwarfrection.
THORIN: Bilbo, go into the dragon’s lair and find me the symbol of dwarf kingship.
THORIN: It’s a great big diamond the size of your head.
THORIN: Dwarves are not a subtle people.
SMAUG: Why are you here, to steal stuff?
BILBO: Uh… no way. I came here to look upon your magnificence.
SMAUG: Oh. Wow. Well, I, what do you think?
BILBO: Amazing. Better than I’d heard. Superfragilistic. I have to say, I have my doubts, I thought that no dragon could top that cute dragon from How To Train Your Dragon, or the classic Puff the Magic Dragon, but baby… you’re number one!
SMAUG: Oh, I, really, wow, you didn’t even get me from my good side, let me turn around, how you like me now?
BILBO: Oh my God that side’s even better. You know what would be awesome? If I could just follow you around for the rest of your life telling you how fantastic you are. We could solve crimes! Mainly you would solve crimes and I would tell you how fantastic you are.
SMAUG: Go on, go on… wait a second! That’s ridiculous! Dragons do not solve crimes!
BILBO: Are you certain about that, because I sure feel busted.
SMAUG: I am strong, I am invincible, I am dragon!
SMAUG: I am a confident independent self actualised dragon who does not need to smoke!
SMAUG: I am a lot of metaphors that are going to totally kill you.
THORIN: Let’s do this nutso plan I came up with! It is the only chance!
BILBO: Hang on, isn’t this a bit similar to how Thorin was yelling ‘I have the only right!’ at Bard?
DWARVES: This is how Thorin wins all arguments: I have the only cupcake!
BARD’S CHILDREN: So Dad’s in the slammer and we have a dwarf dying on the chaise longue. It’s true what they say, hot dwarves cloud the minds of men. Well, at least things can’t get any worse.
BARD’S CHILDREN: Oh we are all so totally elfed.
TAURIEL & LEGOLAS: *save them all*
TAURIEL: I especially saved Kili from orcs. (Number of Heroic Rescues: 3!)
LEGOLAS: The orcs are going this way! Come, Tauriel!
TAURIEL: But Kili needs a ministering elfgel! But I guess I did make vows to my prince or whatever… and I do love killing orcs…
FILI: On your way, elf, I totally have this. I am lovingly placing my baby brother’s head in a bowl of walnuts. It is an ancient dwarvish remedy.
TAURIEL: … So staying it is then.
BOFUR: I have kingsfoil!
TAURIEL: I will use this athelas to save Kili!
BOFUR: … You might want to wipe the pig saliva off it first.
AUDIENCE: Elf Saves Dwarfsel Count At All-Time High of Four!
KILI: When you turn off the lights/I get stars in my eyes/Is this love? Maybe.
KILI: Does this make you the rightful king of Laketown or just the rightful king of my heart?
FILI: *coughs* This is super awkward.
FILI: Jesus, how am I going to tell Ma that my little brother is an elf fetishist?
ON THAT ROMANTIC NOTE WE CUT TO: a room full of dusty dwarf corpses!
THORIN: If this is to end in fire, let us all burn together!
DWARVES: Is that meant to be inspirational?
BILBO: Thank god you’re pretty.
GANDALF: Wow, I’m in a cage and not dead! Woo hoo! Party party party–
SAURON: Wizard want a cracker? Wizard want a cracker?
GANDALF: … I wish for death.
LAZY EYE: Look, man, I’ve got no beef with you, I shouldn’t even be here, I’m hunting for dwarves–
LEGOLAS: WILL EVERYBODY JUST STOP TALKING ABOUT DWARVES!
LAZY EYE VS LEGGLES: Showdown!
THORIN: Step 1 of my cunning plan – Trash talk the dragon.
THORIN: Step 2 – Bedazzle the dragon.
DWARVES: R U 4 real
DWARVES: R U srs right now?
DWARVES: Is he bodysurfing on a molten gold lava river?
DWARVES: What the actual elf.
DWARVES: … Whoa did Thorin’s plan work?
THORIN: I am stunned!
DWARVES: Uhhhh us too yep, tot’lly, very startled.
ORC: Being headbutted by an elf is awful because first there’s the headbutt, and then there’s all their whipping hair—it’s like Hurricane Goldilocks up in here.
LEGOLAS: I have a nosebl—You made me bleed my own blood! Nobody makes me bleed my own blood! Nobody!
LEGOLAS: One way or another (for instance by stealing a horse) I’m gonna getcha.
ORC: And it’s too late (in the movie) for you and your white horse… to catch me now…