SARAH: Oh come! It'll be great! We'll have drinks! It's the Emerald Isle. The Isle of Saints and Scholars. I'll show you around.
This is the method I used to bring my friends Cassie and Holly over, and they were almost eaten by cat-food-lovin' maniacs. This week I had my friend Vin over. She was another hapless victim I have wooed with my cruel, lying siren song.
SARAH: First we go to Powerscourt!
VIN: Can we call it Piratescourt?
SARAH: ... Yes, I think that would be a good idea.
Powerscourt is a beautiful country manor that was built to be a super gorgeous showcase, cast the noble family who built it into debt and ruination, and which was then bought by wealthy people who vowed to restore it to its former glory.
... That very night, it burned to the ground. The gardens are very pretty, though! Especially the giant waterfall.
SARAH: For King George's visit the waterfall was dammed and a special bridge built so the king could see its dramatic release. The force of the waterfall broke the bridge and killed the king in the most hilarious royal death ever.
VIN'S FRIEND RIA: Vin, I want you to know that is not true.
SARAH: It could've been true. Except that the king was having such a rocking party that he wouldn't go out to the waterfall. Kept saying 'margaritas for the king!'
VIN: Is that bit true?
SARAH: Of course it is! What else would you say, if you were king?
We were prowling through Powerscourt's redone house when we turned a doorknob and wandered into an unguarded and fully stocked bar. I looked around, then slid insouciantly behind it.
SARAH: Drinks, ladies?
VIN: Margaritas for the king!
It is possible that I should mention before people come to visit that my knowledge of my city is somewhat... patchy. But then they might not come to visit me! Anyway I feel it is all okay, because I know many awesome stories. Some of them are true, as well!
VIN: What's that stick you have on one of your streets?
SARAH (blithely): It was erected to commemorate St Patrick, who banished the snakes from Ireland with a staff!
RIA: What's she talking about? What stick? Do you mean the Millennium Spire?
SARAH: Oh, is that what she meant? I see.
VIN: I - you - but you just answered, you just gave me an answer!
SARAH: Well, I thought you'd like one.
VIN: Is there no end to your lies?
However, I was punished for my fibs. We ascended a horse-drawn omnibus for the most touristish part of the show, and were delighted to be given cloaks and little fancy hats. Then Ria and Vin sat together... and I was left sitting next to a little girl in a Hello Kitty raincoat. Her mother was right behind me. I was in fear.
COACHMAN: Let's pretend that we've moved back in time hundreds of years.
SARAH: I shall pretend I have a facial ulcer! And that the streets are filled with-
LIL MISS HELLO KITTY: With what? With what?
SARAH: ... Let me help you with your cape.
COACHMAN: Here we are passing Bram Stoker's h-
SARAH: I know a thing about Bram Stoker!
LIL MISS HELLO KITTY: What?
SARAH: Well, it's a story about mutilation and dev - Uh. Um. He liked vampires, honey.
LIL MISS HELLO KITTY: I like vampires.
COACHMAN: Let's sing a song about Molly Malone.
LIL MISS HELLO KITTY: In Dublin's fair city, where the girls are so pretty-
SARAH: Sweetie, no, that song is about ladies of easy virtue.
LIL MISS HELLO KITTY: About what?
SARAH: ... Uh. Um. Look! The horsie is doing a wee.
Other notable features of the visit included Vin climbing to sit in the lap of a statue of Oscar Wilde, my dramatic reading of the worst book in the world in a juice bar, and going to the workplace of my flatmate the Durham Lass. She showed us to a special room and let us see fourteenth century books. Other people were peeping in, but they could not follow us. They did not have our contacts.
The last day we planned to see Christchurch in the afternoon, but it was raining hard so we stayed in, had cakes and curled our hair.
SARAH (wistfully): I would have liked to tell you all about Christchurch.
VIN: I am so sad to have missed all those lies.
I like having friends to stay. It is like a holiday from the comfort of my own home, and in good company.
Dear friends of mine reading this post: you should come to visit me, we'll have lots of fun! Trust me. I'm telling you stories.