While doing those things, I saw Troy, which I rather liked, but mocked excessively.
It's so easy to mock.
And that is why I love it. Couldn't be bothered if it was difficult.
Our movie begins in Helen of Troy’s bedroom. Gauze. Orlando Bloom. It’s clear this girl is an evil genius.
PARIS: Hey, come away with me even though we'll be cursed by the gods. Also there may be some po...
HELEN: Po - li - ti - cal...
PARIS: Ram - if - ications - oh sod it, those words are too big.
HELEN: I concur. I will go with you Paris, to save more polysyllabic confusion.
PARIS: Hey, bro! Look what I have on board ship!
HECTOR: Is it a picnic lunch? Dear God! That's not a picnic lunch! Take it back! Also fetch a picnic lunch.
PARIS: I will go back with her and be killed!
HECTOR: Because there's no way my father would declare war on Menelaus for killing his son. I can't let you do that, YOU IDIOT.
PARIS: *looks pretty. and yet stupid. and yet, pretty.*
HECTOR: I'll take you two back to my dad. We can imprison you and send her back, and Troy will be saved.
PRIAM: Sons! And my new daughter!
HECTOR: Being an idiot clearly runs in the family.
ANDROMACHE: Hi, handsome. Don't go to war.
HECTOR: But I'm the general.
ANDROMACHE: Piffle. Look at our baby.
HECTOR: Sweet Zeus, what a fat baby! Man, how'd that happen? We're both reasonably attractive!
ANDROMACHE: He can hear you, you know. Stop giving the baby a complex. Also don't go to war.
HECTOR: I hope our fat baby didn't inherit the idiot gene.
MENELAUS: But how to get Achilles on our side?
AGAMEMNON: Achilles is a poohead.
MENELAUS: ... your input is always appreciated, brother. Hey, I know! We'll send Odysseus. He's the only attractive member of the team. Heh, heh. He'll persuade Achilles. If you know what I mean, and I think you do, because we're the ancient Greeks.
ELDERS: Eheheheheh. Sly dog.
ACHILLES: Behold ME! It's wonderful how I can act like a spoiled celebrity, isn't it? My acting skillz ROCK.
AUDIENCE: Sure, Brad.
ODYSSEUS: Hi, Achilles. Hi, blond stripling Achilles is fighting with... with... sticks... um. I can totally come back later.
ACHILLES: No, dude, this is my COUSIN!
ODYSSEUS: Right. 'Course.
ACHILLES: I'd like to introduce my fake cousin.
ODYSSEUS: I think that homophobes should really consider, you know, not making films about the ancient freaking Greeks.
ACHILLES: I agree.
ODYSSEUS: Hey, you want to go to war? I'll be there. Also booty. But I repeat myself.
ACHILLES: You are very attractive in a rough-hewn, grey-eyed man of the world way.
THETIS: Son, you will die if you go to Troy.
ACHILLES: Mom, you do realize now you're no longer a sea goddess wandering around with seashells just makes you look crazy?
ACHILLES: Death, war, glory, sack the temples! Oooh. Hi Hector. What’s a boy like you doing in a temple like this?
HECTOR: Hey. I kill you now.
ACHILLES: Oh, I think NOT. But I admire your feisty attitude. And your muscular torso.
HECTOR: Dude, are you coming on to me? I'm not an ancient Greek, you know. Also you killed lots of my men. And I mean that in the soldier way, not the fake cousin way.
ACHILLES: Get your brother to do the wild thing with the men's wives. He totally likes all that messing around with women.
HECTIOR: Achilles, you think you are all that, but you know what? You are NOT.
ACHILLES: I beg to differ. Also, I could kill you now, but I will let you live. Too early in the movie to be killing princes. Or fake cousins..
HECTOR: You think you're so swanky with your fake cousin. Well, I have a fake cousin too, nyah nyah nyah. Her name is Briseis. Also you are supposed to kill people in a war. Am I totally surrounded by IDIOTS?
ACHILLES: Call me.
PARIS: I'll fight Menelaus for Helen.
EVERYBODY: What a shame he's going to die. He's so pretty. And all he needs is to be put in a home.
PRIAM: Why not fight a huge-ass war that'll kill loads of people over my ickle boy's crush?
PARIS: Wow, dad, I really am a chip off the old block, aren't I?
BRISEIS: Behold me. You think I'm a Mary Sue, but really, I am an amalgam of 1) the script's PC views on war 2) Cassandra the Trojan princess and 3) my original line-less character. Die, Achilles, you evildoer. You filthy, dirty... naughty evildoer.
ACHILLES: So you're the fake cousin, huh? Hotness runs in your family.
BRISEIS: Also being an idiot. I am a virgin priestess!
ACHILLES: I am super buff.
BRISEIS: Compelling point.
HELEN: I am totally leaving!
HECTOR: Um, that won't work? Gee, you're going to fit right in around here.
HELEN: But people have died! And Paris might.
HECTOR: This is totally about Paris and not the innocent people, am I right?
HELEN: Well they are peasants. And he is my cuddly snuggle bear.
HECTOR: I am so smart. It's a burden.
HELEN: Okay, you've convinced me. Really, Hector, you're very manly and cool.
HECTOR: You Greeks are kind of easy, aren’t you?
AGAMEMNON: I'm taking your booty. And by that I mean Briseis, and not Odysseus.
ELDERS: Let's all just ignore the social repercussions in re Achilles' warrior status of Agamemnon's actions and focus on the Hollywood sentiment of it all.
PARIS AND MENELAUS: *fightfightfight*
PARIS: *snivels and clings to Hector's feet* But I'm too preeeetty and idiotic to die!
ALL THE TROJANS: Oh my Zeus, this is so embarrassing we think we might die.
PRIAM: His mother said we should send him to a special needs school. But I thought if we just sent him to an English boarding school, which is where he got the accent, he'd be fine!
HELEN: I am sooooo embarrassed.
ANDROMACHE: Ahahahahaha my husband rules and your lover drools. Ahahahahahahahaha!
HECTOR: Let go, Paris! Please! You're embarrassing us all? Come on, dude, you're getting snot on my sandal.
MENELAUS: You left me for this?
EVERYONE: Dude, it wasn't his sword she was interested in. It was like, his bow. He's really good with a bow.
HECTOR: Okay, Menelaus, quit it. Come on, cough up his lunch money and let's go home. Oh man, this is preschool all over again.
MENELAUS: Not only am I taking his lunch money, I'm stuffing his head down the toilet!
MENELAUS: Oh crap.
ODYSSEUS: *conducts battle. Hotly.*
ACHILLES: *conducts battle in exact same way and also hotly, but unfortunately not in hearing range of the troops*
PATROCLUS: Aren't you being a bit immature?
ACHILLES: Shut up, fake cousin, you're like, 12.
PARIS: I am such a loser!
HELEN: Um, no comment.
PARIS: Let's go live in a forest! I can hunt animals.
HELEN: But baby, they're smarter than you.
BRISEIS: How dare you save me from gang rape?
ACHILLES: I was born this beautiful, don't hate a player.
BRISEIS: I could have forgiven you if you were a brute! But then I could not have had the sexy, knife-y, tension-filled hot lovin' with you.
ACHILLES: Somehow I can cope with your lack of forgiveness.
ODYSSEUS: Menelaus is dead. Let's go home, I miss my wife. And Helen isn't needed for Menelaus, so, like, what's the point?
AGAMEMNON: Is hot lovin’ all you think about, Odysseus?
ODYSSEUS: Hello, ancient Greek. Anyway, if you want to win the war you should give Achilles back his hem hem, priestess.
AGAMEMNON: There you go again!
ODYSSEUS: If you're not getting any and using your huge huge mass of countries as some kind of compensation, that's really not my problem.
PRIAM: Let's storm the beaches and crush the Grecian swine!
TROJAN ELDERS: Yay!
HECTOR: Or we could stay behind our super-safe walls and live.
PRIAM: Why you talk to me this way, Hector? You know the bad logic hurts daddy's brain.
HECTOR: I killed Achilles yay!
ONE MEMBER OF THE AUDIENCE WHO DID NOT NOTICE THE LACK OF FOCUS ON BRAD PITT'S FACE AND IS AS STUPID AS PARIS: Oh nooo!
HECTOR: Oh no, it was Achilles' fake cousin!
BOTH ARMIES: The HORROR!
HECTOR: *tears up* I knew war was evil, but who could predict it would end in the death of someone's fake cousin?
ODYSSEUS: It is a senseless, senseless tragedy!
HECTOR: I had always thought of war as a victimless crime!
ODYSSEUS: I'm all torn up inside!
HECTOR: After the death of a fake cousin on the other side, I think it's time we all packed up our toys and went home. This has gone, like, TOO FAR.
ACHILLES: Isn't it the best morning ever? War, glory, riches, and best of all, the possession of not one but two fake cousins! War, glory, booty, fake cousins! Life doesn't get any better than this!
MYRMIDONS: Uh... your fake cousin is dead. It was his own fault for putting on your armor.
ACHILLES: What's that you say? Hector is to blame?
MYRMIDONS: Er... no?
ACHILLES: Silence minions! My fake cousin count is now down to one! Someone will pay!
HECTOR: This is the way out of Troy, Andromache. Remember it because Achilles is going to kill me tomorrow.
ANDROMACHE: Are you sure?
HECTOR: When have I been wrong before? Name a time! Just one!
ANDROMACHE: Fair point.
HECTOR: Achilles is like, totally buff. And I killed his fake cousin.
ANDROMACHE: His *fake cousin*? Then we are truly doomed!
HECTOR: Yeah. So you and the baby have to get out. If this fat kid was thrown off the walls? He'd splat like a huge infant melon! We'd be shoveling baby fat off the cobbles all day! Doesn't bear thinking about! And you'd be captured by the Greeks, a fate worse than death.
ANDROMACHE: Yeah, Briseis sure doesn't seem to be enjoying herself at all. At *all.*
ACHILLES: HECTOOOOR! HECTOOOOOOR! okay, I composed a serenade, it's here in my leather skirts somewhere, hang on.
PRIAM: Oh Hector, now you're totally going to die. I'm really sorry I thought you weren't my son because you weren't idiotic enough, and that I sent you off to that boarding school in Australia, and that I called you cross-eyed, even though you kinda are. You're the best son ever. Way better than Paris.
HECTOR: Not arguing.
PARIS: Wah. If my big brother dies, whose leg will I cling to?
HECTOR: I am going to hug you now, because it's not your fault you were dropped on your head all those times as a child.
PARIS: *sniffle* This is even better than the leg clinging. You have a really muscular torso, Hector.
HECTOR: So I've heard.
ACHILLES: I want you to see who you're fighting! And how hot I am!
HECTOR: I love my wife.
ACHILLES: And I loved my fake cousin! Die Hectooor!
HECTOR: Just a bit of swordplay first, all manly muscles and leather gleaming and stuff.
ACHILLES: Did you say...?
HECTOR: I said *sword*play, Achilles. *Sword*play.
ACHILLES: That's it, you missed your chance!
ANDROMACHE: Oh no, now I'm the single mother of a really fat baby! How will I feed it without Hector's salary?
HELEN: Let me pat you soothingly.
ANDROMACHE: Because this is not in any way ALL YOUR FAULT.
PRIAM: *comes into Achilles' tent*
ACHILLES: Briseis... erk?
PRIAM: *kisses Achilles' hands*
ACHILLES: Oh my gods, a really old guy is coming onto me. Oh no, oh no, I knew my stupendous hotness would backfire on me one day!
PRIAM: Can I have my son's body, please?
ACHILLES: *hyperventilating* Whose body did you say now?
ACHILLES: Dude, he's dead, that's sick!
PRIAM: He's my son!
ACHILLES: Do you mean that in a fake cousin sort of way?
PRIAM: You ancient Greeks are disgusting! No, he's my actual son! Can I have his body now?
ACHILLES: Yeah, sure. And take Briseis.
PRIAM: A fake cousin? You mean it?
ACHILLES: Dude, for not hitting on me, you can have anything you like.
PRIAM: Thanks again, swell Greek warrior!
ACHILLES: No problem, I like you much better than my king. You may be old, but you have your son's fabulous bone structure!
ACHILLES: Goodbye, my brother. And I *do* mean that in a fake cousin way.
HECTOR: *is dead. and sandy.*
ACHILLES: I'll see you soon. And sooner is better than later but baby, I'll hover, I'll plan. This time I'm not only getting, I'm holding my man.
PARIS: I miss my brother wah.
HELEN: Cool, I'll be queen again one day. Er, I mean, I support you, baby, because I love you, because it can no longer be a case of the gods forcing me to love you and it all has to be Hollywood slush. Specially since if I was a dangerous older woman who despised you while being irresistibly drawn to you, it'd be way too interesting.
PARIS: ... it is sad that I am prettier than you Helen, I agree.
ODYSSEUS: Okay I have a plan to breach the walls of Troy! We all get into a fake horse, right...
AGAMEMNON: All right, 'fess up, who gave Odysseus the crack?
ODYSSEUS: No, it'll totally work!
AGAMEMNON: Okay, but if you weren't so attractive, Odysseus...
PRIAM: A big horsie! Me want to play! Also I have carried on my whole reign in an idiotic fashion, and this is no time to stop!
PARIS: *channeling Hector* Burn it!
TROJAN ELDERS: Well Paris said burn it, so we should take it into the city.
PARIS: The tragedy of it is that on all other occasions but this one, you'd be so right.
GREEKS: The horse plan worked! Unbelievable! Let's burn Troy!
ACHILLES: Hell with that! I'm getting one fake cousin back if it kills me (and it so will). BRISEIS! BRISEIS!
TROJANS: Wasn't that the guy yelling for Hector yesterday? Greeks are so easy.
ANDROMACHE: Come on Helen and Paris, I'll save you!
HELEN: Why save me, I am the wench who was the cause of your husband's death.
ANDROMACHE: Sometimes holding this baby cuts off the flow of blood to my brain.
PRIAM: A long... farewell... to my great idiocy...
AGAMEMNON: Hahahahahaha! Now I will have Briseis all to myself.
AGAMEMNON: Noooo... I'm dying! but I'm supposed to be killed in my bath by my wife! you destroyed a whole play by Sophocles! you destroyed Freud's Electra complex idea! You destroyed a whole Freudian movement!
BRISEIS: Learn to cope.
PARIS: No, I can't go! And not because I'm supposed to die and Menelaus was supposed to live! Because I cannot leave my fake cousin!
PARIS: Aeneas, take my father's sword, and carry on the tradition of being pretty and idiotic, and then TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
AENEAS: Oooh, shiny.
ALL THOSE WHO HAVE READ THE AENEID: Oh, he will.
ACHILLES: Oh thank Zeus, a fake cousin at last! Kiss me!
BRISEIS: This is no time to be remembering my virgin priestess' vows. Okay, you hot hunk of burning-my-city!
PARIS: You may remember this bow from such films as the Lord of the Rings: the Fellowship of the Ring, the Two Towers, and the Return of the King.
UNEDUCATED MEMBERS OF THE AUDIENCE: Did Paris hit Achilles in the heel 'cause he's such an idiot?
EDUCATED ELITE: You'd think, but actually, it's firmly based on the mythology. Unlike, uh, everything else.
ACHILLES: Noooo! I don't *believe* I'm being killed by Paris! The freaking *indignity*!
AUDIENCE: We hear you, man.
ACHILLES: Oh Briseis. You were a fake cousin to me when I had none of my own. And in times of war, what a man *needs* is a fake cousin. *diez*
BRISEIS: Oh Achilles, that is like the most romantic thing anyone's ever said to me!
PARIS: *runs for escape* So, those irresistibly easy blond Greeks, eh? Nothing but trouble.
BRISEIS: Tell me about it.
GREEKS: Achilles is dead. Now Odysseus will have to carry the burden of being hot for, like, all of us.
ODYSSEUS: It's a tough job, but somebody's got to do it.
ODYSSEUS: You are feeling sleeeepy, very very sleeeepy. You will recommend this summer blockbuster to all your friends. You will make it a smash hit. You will make it so popular they will make a sequel inspired by the Odyssey, possibly called 'Various Places Outside, Inside And Around Greece.' Then I, Sean Bean, will live in the times of True Celebrity, and be rich and famous and have fifteen yachts.