But I kept hearing about how awesome the new movie was, and so I thought, well, I could use a break from restoring my livejournal.
And then it was awesome. And I wanted to write a parody.
I said to myself, 'Self. No. You have a thousand things to do. Your book comes out in five days. Self, I am warning you.'
So obviously, and without further ado, here is my Star Trek parody.
BRAVE LITTLE CAPTAIN: I must fly this ship into the Romulan ship of Nero, the movie's villain, so that my son can be born!
WIFE ABOARD ESCAPE SHUTTLE: Look, dude, you promised you'd be there when I gave birth!
BRAVE LITTLE CAPTAIN: I'm so sorry, honey. I am slightly occupied with saving the lives of hundreds of people and flying into the face of certain doom. But I love you more than anything! Call the baby James Kirk after your dad, okay?
WIFE ABOARD ESCAPE SHUTTLE: Okay, I guess.
BRAVE LITTLE CAPTAIN: ... Do you maybe want to say you love me back?
WIFE ABOARD ESCAPE SHUTTLE: Weeeeelllll...
BRAVE LITTLE CAPTAIN: Explodes. Nobly.
WIFE ABOARD ESCAPE SHUTTLE: MEN. They always have to get the last word.
SEVERAL YEARS LATER: So, boys, how'd you end up joining the Starfleet Academy?
MCCOY: My wife got Earth in the divorce.
KIRK: I should really quit making bets with guys in bars.
SPOCK: I was going to be a scientist, but then they bagged on my mom. So I said, 'Live long and prosper... bitches.'
KIRK: I've thought of an awesome way to cheat on my test! Also, I have slept with women of seven different colours today, and it is not even noon! ... My favourite was Indigo Girl.
MCCOY: This will not end well.
KIRK: I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the screams of 'I'm fabulous! I'm fabulous!' in my own head.
SPOCK: I must point out the logical conclusion that James Kirk is a cheating bastard.
KIRK: Who is that pointy-eared bastard, and why are his eyebrows smirking at me?
MCCOY: I dunno but, baby, I like a Vulcan with spirit. Rawr.
SPOCK: And I would totally get him expelled, if it was not for the fact that our court martial has just been inconsiderately interrupted by a war.
UHURA: I seem not to be assigned to the Enterprise. Please correct this error.
SPOCK: Well, I didn't...
UHURA: You know my qualifications. MA in advanced linguistics. PhD in badass.
SPOCK: So I'll just be correcting that error, then.
UHURA: That's what I thought.
SPOCK: It is a perfectly logical decision on my part to be totally whipped.
KIRK: In my only moment of maturity in this entire movie, good luck and enjoy serving aboard the Enterprise, McCoy!
MCCOY: I feel irresistibly compelled to infect you, drug you, and smuggle you into space!
MCCOY: Look you were acting sane, the voices had to start talking to someone.
KIRK: Admiral Pike, Vulcan is under attack by the movie's villain!
SPOCK: Crazy cadet is crazy. Allow me to escort you to the nearest airlock.
UHURA: He is kind of making sense.
SPOCK: On the other hand, perhaps the logical course of action is to listen to what this fine young man has to say!
PIKE: So I plan to hand myself over for some torture, while Kirk, Sulu and Random Doomed Guy go off on a mission to disable the weapon which might destroy Vulcan. Any questions?
RANDOM DOOMED GUY: Given my title, should I really be the one in charge of the explosives?
SULU: I hope my badass space fencing skills don't make you feel like less of a man.
KIRK: Oh, no...
SULU: But it would be only natural if they did.
SPOCK: Beaming down to the exploding planet seems the most logical course of action.
UHURA: Say what?
SPOCK: I WANT MY MOM.
VULCAN ELDERS: What are you doing here, Commander Spock?
SPOCK: I came to warn you the planet is about to explode. As a responsible citizen of Vulcan and caretaker of our ancient culture.
VULCAN ELDERS: ... Huh.
SPOCK: Also a total mommy's boy.
SPOCK'S MOM, WINONA RYDER: First I have to play a grown man's mother, and now I get exploded?
SPOCK: MOMMY, NO!
SPOCK: It also sucks about my planet.
UHURA: What can I do for you, baby? Say the word. Anything you want. Carnal relations. In this elevator.
SPOCK: Keep performing admirably. Er, not in the elevator.
UHURA: Oh well, it said 'Vulcan' on the box when I bought it.
SPOCK: Can't read my, no you can't read my poker face.
KIRK: Sure I can. It says 'I want to cut a bitch.'
SPOCK: ... Your insight is uncanny.
KIRK: Our tiny ship has to fight the huge battle star of doom all by itself because I SAY SO!
ENTERPRISE CREW: brawl with Kirk on the bridge
SPOCK: Sigh. Now I must render you unconscious with a single blow. How tedious.
MCCOY: You are a pointy-eared green-blooded hardcore hobgoblin, sir.
SPOCK: Marooning a cadet on an ice planet to be eaten by giant killer cockroaches was a totally logical decision.
MCCOY: I don't agree. We need Kirk. He's a stallion!
ENTERPRISE CREW: La la la. We do not hear our chief medical officer saying disturbing things. La la la. La la la.
SPOCK: Forgive me, I am not knowledgeable about all aspects of Earth culture. Is it not true that stallions, before you ride them, need to be broken?
ENTERPRISE CREW: La la l... Wut.
SPOCK: With whips and so forth. Was I misinformed?
MCCOY: ... You win this round.
SPOCK: You fell victim to one of the classic blunders. Never go in against a Vulcan when kink is on the line.
KIRK: Here I am in my nice safe shuttle pod. Time to get out and face all the ravening monsters of the ice planet!
RAVENING MONSTERS: Hello, Captain Snack!
KIRK: Hello, nice safe ice cave!
OLD SPOCK: Hello, Jim!
KIRK: Okay, so you're the guy who just knocked me unconscious and threw me out into the ice to be eaten, but now you're also upsettingly ancient and wrinkly, and even more upsettingly... kind of undressing me with your eyes.
OLD SPOCK: In my universe, you are CAPTAIN.
KIRK: ... I like you.
SCOTTY: Get me off this ice planet, I've been marooned here too long!
KIRK: How long?
SCOTTY: MY TINY GREEN ALIEN PARTNER IS STARTING TO LOOK DISTRESSINGLY ATTRACTIVE.
KIRK: Okay, so Scotty's with us...
SPOCK: You again? What do I have to do, choke a bitch?
KIRK: In this time of war, while you are in a delicate condition, I would just like to say this. Your mom.
SPOCK: GUESS SO. RAR!
ENTERPRISE CREW: Spock seems to be choking Kirk. Well, that's fair.
UHURA: Kirk probably likes it. I've seen him in bar fights.
CHEKHOV: I must say Acting Captain Spock is dealing with the matter in a most masterful way.
ENTERPRISE CREW: We'll jump in when Kirk starts going blue.
ENTERPRISE CREW: ... Maybe.
SPOCK'S DAD: Spock! Why can't you choke humans in a more logical and level-headed way, like all the other Vulcan boys?
SPOCK: ... I am ashamed. I resign as Acting Captain.
KIRK: So, here's my crazy solo mission plan...
SPOCK: Hi, on my way to the infirmary, I had an epiphany. It would be completely logical for me to go along with all of your psychotic plans!
KIRK: ... I totally knew we were going to be BFFs. But not because I was tipped off by an older version of you from an alternate reality in any way.
KIRK: Hey, Uhura's here to see me off.
UHURA: You're not my type.
KIRK: Can't fool me, baby. I know my genre conventions. The attractive, intelligent female lead initially resists the hero's cocky advances, but as he proves his true worth to her she inevitably... Commander Spock, is that your hand on Lieutenant Uhura's booty?
SPOCK: Affirmative, Captain.
KIRK: ... Huh.
UHURA: I told you you weren't my type.
SPOCK: DO NOT EVEN.
KIRK: Well I was only going to say-
SPOCK: I know that any conversation you begin on this topic will logically conclude in 'Commander Spock, have you ever thought about being the filling in an Earthling sandwich?'
KIRK: What? I am shocked. I am appalled. I was only going to - but since you bring it up-
SPOCK: DO NOT EVEN.
KIRK: ... Beam us down, Scotty.
KIRK: So first we kill a bunch of people, then you mind-rape a dude, then we steal a ship.
SPOCK: Seems perfectly logical.
KIRK: ... I think I love you.
SPOCK: Luck, be a Vulcan tonight... If I die, tell Lieutenant Uhura-
KIRK: DON'T EVEN SAY IT! YOU'RE GOING TO BE FINE! WE'RE GOING TO BE FINE! MY AWESOME PLAN WILL WORK BECAUSE I AM AWESOME! AND WE'LL TOTALLY BE BFFS TOO, JUST YOU WAIT AND SEE!
SPOCK: ... Well I was just going to say that I left the oven on in my quarters, but I see he's run off to defeat evil already.
CHEKHOV: I have a master plan to save Kirk and Spock now they have defeated evil on a suicide mission! Don't worry about a thing!
MCCOY: ... How old are you?
CHEKHOV: Possibly seven. But I have a very advanced grasp of physics for my age!
KIRK: We're totally prepared to show you mercy, Nero.
SPOCK: With all due respect, Captain, WHAT THE HELL.
KIRK: No no no! Because mercy would be logical. For you! All for you! It is my version of a doom spaceship nemesis bouquet!
SPOCK: Oh. I see. Well, captain, in this case, what I would enjoy is a BOUQUET OF DEATH.
UHURA: As the resident linguist, I am here to inform you all that in space, the language of love is 'KA-BOOM!'
STARFLEET ACADEMY: We hereby confirm you as a captain, and award you the Enterprise, and present you with this medal!
KIRK: Does it have 'Captain Awesome' engraved on it as per my request?
STARFLEET ACADEMY: ... Yes, but you should know that made us die inside.
SPOCK: I gotta go repopulate my race.
OLDER SPOCK: Not to worry, my alternate self, I'll repopulate the race for you.
SPOCK: With all due respect to... myself and my, um, distinguished good looks when older, I think I speak for all the remaining Vulcan ladies when I say 'Ew.'
OLDER SPOCK: Ahahahaha! But seriously, you should go to the Enterprise and be with your true love.
SPOCK: It is true I would miss Lieutenant Uhura.
OLDER SPOCK: ... Yeah. Uhura. That's who I meant. Uhura.
SPOCK: Okay, bye, thanks!
OLDER SPOCK: Whoo, alternate reality is alternate.
SPOCK: Hey Captain. I volunteer to be your Number One. I realise that you might have certain misgivings due to my abandoning you on ice planets, rendering you unconscious, choking you mostly to death that one time-
KIRK: Ohmigosh, does this mean you like me? Ohmigosh, I am so happy!
SPOCK: So I'll just take my seat, then.
UHURA: So I'll just be smiling the smile of one who, later on, will be hitting that so hard another planet may explode.
OLDER SPOCK: And so it was that Captain Awesome came to lead the Enterprise, and from there they boldly went where no man had gone before. And Dr McCoy never mentioned stallions again, because seriously? That was messed up.
Other parodies can be found here