Sarah Rees Brennan (sarahtales) wrote,
Sarah Rees Brennan

Order of the Phoenix Parody

I actually had a hard time writing this parody, since I thought the new scriptwriter was really good. I don't know why they have to hire talented people and spoil my mockery.

Catch you all later with my rambling commentary on Deathly Hallows!

AUDIENCE: Oh my God, a huge, misshapen alien head looming out of the grass! Are we watching *Signs*? Just what insane liberties have they taken with the source material this time, Muriel, I ask you!
AUDIENCE: ... Oh, it's just Harry Potter's new haircut. Never mind.

HARRY: I'm just chilling here in my playground of emo.
MOTHERS: Come away, Timmy, I think that Potter boy makes pipe bombs and listens to alternative music!

DUDLEY: Yo yo, I am now to be called Big D. Better recognize!
HARRY: Dudley, you're from *Surrey*. And stop beating up little kids.
DUDLEY: Dude, he was dissin' my bling! He had to go. Anyway... you're gay.
DUDLEY: Man, you're highly strung in this movie.
HARRY: I threaten you with my small stick!
DUDLEY'S MINIONS: We have suddenly developed intense and disturbing suspicions about what goes on behind closed doors in the Dursley household.
DEMENTORS: *threaten*
DUDLEY'S MINIONS: Thank God, evil strikes from above to save us all from heterosexual panic!

DUDLEY'S STOMACH: I jiggle gently, to show which of these boys is Morally Reprehensible and which has the Manorexia of Righteousness.
DEMENTORS: We're taking our sweet time about this menacing.

DEMENTORS: Rar, we pounce!
HARRY: Dudley, even though my life's in danger I am so noble that my first thought is for you to save yourself.
DUDLEY: Right on, way ahead of you.
HARRY: Don't think of me for a moment, Dudley, just run!
DUDLEY: Ten-four. I'm off, quick as a cat!
HARRY: Don't give a thought to the fact you're leaving me to Almost Certain Death-
DUDLEY: Don't you worry. I'm like the wind!
HARRY: Though I perish, I-
DUDLEY: *slips*
DEMENTORS: We can has soulz?

HARRY: Oh, fine. I have to do everything by myself! *Expecto patronum*!... Oh, Mrs Figg. I didn't see you there. This isn't, ah, what it looks like, with me and this stick and my cousin catatonic and - But nor, let me make myself absolutely clear, is this any indicator of a hidden magical world-
ROBOT MRS FIGG: I. Know. You. Are. A. Wizard. Harry.
HARRY: Uh, okay - how?
ROBOT MRS FIGG: No. Time. For. That. Let. Us. Go.
HARRY: Can I ask one question? Why are you lugging that huge suitcase about?
ROBOT MRS FIGG: I. Keep. My. Giant. Phone. In. It.
HARRY: ... Okay.
ROBOT MRS FIGG: I. Use. My. Giant. Phone. To. Phone. In. My. Performance.

PETUNIA DURSLEY: I am gettin' so hot... I'm gonna take my clothes off!
AUDIENCE: Dude, when we expected a more mature Potter film, we did not think that the good times would commence with Petunia Dursley.
VERNON: Petunia, baby, you seem so - warm and flushed. Would you care for some - ice cream?
PETUNIA: I'm interested. Tell me more.
VERNON: Come get a scoop of my ice-cream, baby. Vernon's got the flavours that'll make you go crazy!
HARRY: Hai oh em gee you guys you'll never guess what happened me, Dudley, Dementors, Mrs Figg, a giant phone - sorry, am I interrupting something?
VERNON: We never should've had a kid.
PETUNIA: We definitely shouldn't have taken a second one in with the milk.

HARRY: I toss and turn in my bed and think of Cedric. I don't know where Dudley gets his crazy ideas from...
HARRY: Total strangers and a guy whose face I mostly know as belonging to a Death Eater! Why should I trust you?
MOODY: Well, in the book we had Remus Lupin with us. But time presses and so Lupin can't have any lines in this movie.
HARRY: ... Really?
MOODY: Kid, we cut three-quarters of your best friend's lines. You're lucky there still *is* a Remus Lupin. Shall we go?

TONKS: My hair turns red when I'm sassy, Harry, look! Feeling any Oedipal yearnings?
HARRY: Er, no.
TONKS: Oh, but you will, my boy. You will.

HARRY: Wow! Oh my God! I can't believe it! Did you see the way it just came - poof - out of nowhere? Amazing! Amazing! It's just like magic!
SHACKLEBOLT: ... The wizarding world is truly doomed.

HARRY: The dark corridor opens to reveal none other than *my handsome godfather*. Oh Sirius, I'm so happeee-
MRS WEASLEY: *slams door, hugs Harry*
HARRY: *faint cry of thwarted godfatherly longing*
MRS WEASLEY: Up the stairs you go! He'll be just as handsome in the morning!

HERMIONE: *leaps up and hugs Harry*
HARRY: Womanly embraces everywhere, and not a handsome godfather in sight. I'm feeling emo coming on. Hey, can I ask reasonably why you guys never call and you never write?
WEASLEY TWINS: Hi Harry, we heard you shouting your head off.
HARRY: I wasn't sh-
WEASLEY TWINS: Read the book, Harry, you totally were. It's in capital letters and everything.
HARRY: Wow, that's a long book.
WEASLEY TWINS: See, we have no time to lose questioning things. Let's move along. Chop chop! Time to have our eavesdropping foiled by a cat.
RON: I hate your cat, Hermione.
HERMIONE: Shut up, Ron. Didn't you hear that your lines got cut?

SIRIUS: Harry *James* Potter. Come to me!
HARRY: At last, at last!
SIRIUS: Oh James. Harry. Jarry! Hold me.
HARRY: Never let go, Sirius!
LUPIN: You guys are kind of blocking the doorway. Seriously, I can't get to the teapot. If you could just shift a little to the-
SIRIUS: Hold me tighter, Jarry! I'm a-cold.
LUPIN: Or not. No, you guys are fine. I'll come back later.

HARRY: God help us, it's a house-elf. Uh, you're not going to follow me around singing my praises and showering me with presents, are you?

MINISTRY: These pictures of Fudge are in no way reminiscent of any propaganda for any World War II. We know not this World War II of which you speak. Also, we don't buy your story about Dementors.
ROBOT MRS FIGG: Let. Me. Explain.
MINISTRY: As long as you shut up and go away forever, Harry is cleared of all charges.
ROBOT MRS FIGG: Excellent. Give. Me. My. Big. Cheque. It. Can. Go. In. My. Suitcase. With. My. Giant. Phone.

SIRIUS: See where I was burned out of the family tapestry? After I was disowned I came and lived with you. Uh, your father. Oh, you're just like James. You bring it all back, how handsome he was and athletic and lithe and –
HARRY: Uh...
SIRIUS: Just you wait until you're of age. We'll be a proper family.
HARRY: Oh Sirius, I can't wait! I've already started embroidering for my hope chest!
BLACKENED RUIN OF SIRIUS' NAME IN THE TAPESTRY: I'm sure the extreme close-up on me has no ominous significance at all. At all!

HARRY: That's the train whistle, Sirius. Hold me once more before we part!
SIRIUS: Uh, I'm naked under this coat and this is a public place. I think if I start holding fifteen year old boys, I really will get arrested.
HARRY: Okay. Your tattoos are awesome, Sirius. I love you forever.
SIRIUS: Aw, Jarry. I love you, too.

MALFOY: Hey Potter, everyone says you're crazy. And I'm a *much* nattier dresser than you are.
HARRY: You take that back! I have *grunge chic*!
RON: Come away, Harry. You can't have a fist-fight with Malfoy.
HARRY: But - but it was in the book-
RON: You should've read the script, Harry.
HARRY: I - but I - I'm starting to feel really wronged and angry.
RON: Now you're getting it! That's my boy!
HERMIONE: Shut up, Ron.
RON: Yes ma'am!
HARRY: ...
RON: We all have our parts to play.

HARRY: Uh, I have a question. Why are pterodactyls pulling our carriages?
RON: You know what they say, mate. When you start to see winged dinosaurs-
HERMIONE: Shut up, Ron. There are no dinosaurs, Harry.
LUNA (*faraway Irish voice*: I see the dinosaurs, too. I see many, many things.
HARRY: Oh - do you? Well - good. I feel better already.
RON: This one's a little fey, isn't she?
LUNA: Shut up, Ron. I'm not just fey. I'm *super* fey.

UMBRIDGE: I am a vision of pink malevolence!

SEAMUS: I don't know if you're telling the truth about Voldemort, Harry.
HARRY: I hate you and I hate your mom and I hate your face and I hate your mom's face!
SEAMUS: Right, that's it!
RON: Lay off Harry. I may not have a line to say, but I would defend to the death his right to say his!
HARRY: I hate you, too.
RON (*takes out his guitar and croons*): I understand that lovin' a man shouldn't have to be this rough. You ain't the only one who feels like this world left you far behind. I don't know why you gotta be angry all the time...

HARRY: Professor Dumbledore! I need to talk to you!
DUMBLEDORE: Duck and weave, watch me go. Quick as a cat!

HARRY: *flashback to Cedric Diggory and his younger self, wakes up with tears in his eyes*
AUDIENCE: Oh Harry. We miss your old hair too.

HERMIONE: I think that you should tell someone that Umbridge made you cut 'I must not tell lies' into your hand, Harry.
HARRY: No, I can't! She said it was our - very special secret, and anyway it only happens when I am bad, if I am very very good she won't hurt me any more, and besides that... I don't know... somehow cutting just feels right...
HARRY: Do you think they make this hoodie in black?

HARRY: Seamus doesn't believe in me! Draco Malfoy mocked me at the station!
RON: We, uh, didn't know you felt so strongly about Seamus, Harry.
HERMIONE: Isn't Malfoy mocking you at the station a yearly tradition?
HARRY: I don't know and I don't care! Maybe the answer is to be a Lone Wolf. Maybe nobody loves me. Maybe everybody hates me. Well, I'm going out to the garden and I bet you can all guess what I'm going to eat there, don't you?
RON: ... Worms?
HERMIONE: Shut up, Ron.

HARRY VOICEOVER: 'Dear Sirius, Winter is coming. The days are growing colder and darker. Cold like the hearts of those around me. (Nobody understands me.) Dark like my lonely, despairing soul. I have started to write poetry in a livejournal about my pain. Nobody comments on it. I told Hermione that nobody understands. She said that black text against a black background *was* pretty hard to read.

On the plus side, I have just discovered an awesome new band called Evanescence...'

LUNA: See the invisible pterodactyls of death! They're really special, do you see?
HARRY: Um, no. Um, crazy lady? You're not wearing any shoes.
LUNA: The super fey have no shoes. The super fey need no shoes! Look, this baby pterodactyl is so special it needs meat instead of apples.
HARRY: Uh, I'm not sure I quite - how long have you been carrying that raw meat in your bag for?
LUNA: Listen closely, Harry. The pterodactyls of death are *special*. So special that sometimes normal, boring people don't understand how special the baby pterodactyl is. So the baby pterodactyl, *Harry Potter*, sometimes feels sad and alone. Because of how special he is.
HARRY: You know, that's a real coincidence, Luna! Because I'm very special too!
LUNA (*sighing*) Yes, Harry. Yes you are.

HARRY: Luna, I have an important question to ask you. Might you - possibly - write poetry in a livejournal?
LUNA: Oh Harry, I do! It's all about the tragic death of my mother. My father's alive, though. I still have him. Your pain is way darker than mine. I get that.
HARRY: Oh Luna! Let's be lj friends.

HERMIONE: Let's start a guerilla army! God, I love being bad!
RON: I want the old Hermione back! Unless there's a chance that the new one will let me get to second base.
HERMIONE: Shut up, Ron.

HERMIONE: So, Cho couldn't take her eyes off you.
HARRY: She's so cute. And Scottish.
GINNY: This sucks. Harry's going to get some play with the hottest chick in school while all I do is pine? Where's my subplot, I mean boyfriend?
HERMIONE: Cut! But it's OK, you only used your boyfriend to get to Harry.
GINNY: I did?
HERMIONE: Sure. What else are boyfriends for?
GINNY: I can think of a few things!
HERMIONE: Well, don't let Umbridge hear you talking about them.


CRABBE (*in the overcome voice of one who never expected to have a line*): Neville, you - you're lame!
NEVILLE: That's not true. I just found a place called the Come and Go Room. Maybe I'll ask Luna Lovegood to come check it out with me. Oh, and I'll tell the others in good time. What a great day!
CRABBE (*weeping*): Was I okay?
GOYLE: Baby, you were fabulous! And those jackboots are to die for.
CRABBE: My sweet line! My own, my precious! What a great day!

GINNY: Check out my awesome super powers!
HARRY: So, Cho, there's this great tattoo parlour in Hogsmeade. I thought maybe we could check it out.
GINNY: Don't you feel any desire to breed superchildren with me? Any at all?
HARRY: Not just now.
GINNY: I'm counting to ten, and then, I'm gonna love you like nothing you've known, I'm gonna love you and you all alone.

HARRY: So... wow, you have a little mildewy shrine up to Cedric here. That's – very hot.
CHO: I am overcome by grief!
HARRY: That's also - very hot.
CHO: I might need you to hold me tonight. I might need you to say it's all right.
HARRY: Now we're talkin'.
CHO: Oh look - mistletoe!
HARRY: Oh, right. Horticulture is cool.
CHO: ...
HARRY: I was brought up in a cupboard.
CHO: Kiss me, you mad cupboard-living fool!
HARRY & CHO: *make out*
HARRY & CHO: *make out some more, with feeling*
CENSORS: Ladies and gentlemen, please note that even though this pair are kissing with a will and Cho Chang is indubitably the hottest girl at Hogwarts, their bodies remain firmly apart. This is because Harry Potter is a little gentleman.

HARRY: So, I kissed Cho Chang and she cried.
RON: Wow, Harry, you fail at kissing!
HERMIONE: Shut up, Ron! Harry does not fail at anything. He achieves good marks without studying much but while having natural flair.

UMBRIDGE: Girls and boys can under no circumstances ever touch each other.
HARRY: Does this mean I have to cut '*I must not kiss girls*' on my hand as well?

HARRY: Okay, so, I was in bed - there were tunnels and this giant snake –
RON: I got up for *this*?
GINNY: Shut up, Ron. Go on, Harry. I find this *fascinating*.
HARRY: Uh, your dad was there-
GINNY: ... Ew.

SNAPE: *Awkward*.

DUMBLEDORE: Severus, I need your help. There is no time! No time for Harry even to change his shirt!
SNAPE: Seriously, I'm sure we could spare a min-
DUMBLEDORE: Time and script alterations wait for no man, or sweaty adolescent. Chop chop!

VOLDEMORT: I wanna date Cho Chang. Everyone's getting booty but me.
BELLATRIX: Baby, I'm still now free! Take a chance on me!

NEVILLE: *staring at the Mildewed Shrine of Cedric Diggory* I feel really bad about Cedric's death too, Harry.
HARRY: If you think I'm going to make out with you, you can forget it!
NEVILLE: In that case, this is about my parents.

HARRY: Sir, I don't perform well under pressure! If I could rest for a minute-
SNAPE: The Dark Lord isn't resting! The Dark Lord can go all night like a piledriver!
HARRY: ... I have absolutely no response to that. Sir.

HARRY: I'm in your mind, starin' at your traumas!
SNAPE: Are you bothered by the fact that your father was a nasty prat?
HARRY: I'm more bothered by the fact he isn't as handsome as Sirius said...

HAGRID: I wish you all to meet my giant brother Grawp.
GRAWP: I Tarzan, you Jane! I give you this bell.
HERMIONE: Ring... ring...
RON: You're insane, Hagrid, utterly utterly-
HAGRID: Shut up, Ron.
GRAWP: This night was made for me and you.
HERMIONE: You can ring my bell, ring my bell.
HAGRID: What Hermione doesn't know is that according to the ancient laws of the giants, she and Grawp are now married.

UMBRIDGE AND THE INQUSITORIAL SQUAD: We're in your secret headquarters, bringing down your walls.
CHO CHANG: I struggle in the hands of Draco Malfoy!
AUDIENCE: Unhand her, Malfoy pigdog!
DRACO MALFOY: Listen, have you read the Hogwarts Decrees? This is the first touch of a woman I've had in weeks. My shiny Inquisitor's badge isn't keeping me warm at night, you know.
HARRY & CO.: Cho, you traitor, we condemn you utterly.
CHO: Let me explain! No, there is too much. Let me sum up! No, you've all gone. As God is my witness, I'll never date a hero again.

DUMBLEDORE: I am responsible for everything! Now, watch me flee from justice!
SHACKLEBOLT: Oh, I see you, baby.

UMBRIDGE: Ah, I love the smell of little children cutting themselves in the morning.

HARRY: I had another dream. This one was about Sirius.
RON: I can't hear you! La la la la-
HARRY: Shut up, Ron! I need to go to the Ministry to rescue my handsome godfather!
HERMIONE: We need to go with you.

UMBRIDGE: By the power of kittens and cutting, I have you now! Let's use Veritaserum like we did on Cho Chang.
HARRY: Uh-oh. Seems to me like I just broke up with my girlfriend for being roofied. Is there space in the script to apologize to her, Hermione?
HERMIONE: Oh Harry. It is to laugh.
UMBRIDGE: This calls for the Cruciatus curse.
INQUISITORIAL SQUAD: Hang on just a second here...
CRABBE: I knew this was too good to be true. My very own line. Shiny jackboots. It was a dream too beautiful to last.
UMBRIDGE: Show me to your secret weapon.

UMBRIDGE: Why do you keep your secret weapon in a forest - oh my God, tell the centaurs not to hurt me, Harry!
HARRY: Godspeed, centaurs! She will make a fine wife for the herd! She will bear you many strapping pink colts!

HARRY AND HIS ARMY: *walk around the Ministry*
NEVILLE: Hey, Harry, here's your Prophecy.
LUNA: That was some very manly Prophecy finding you did just there, Neville.
LUNA: Tell me... do you have a livejournal?

(*A Death Eater approaches. We can tell it is Lucius Malfoy, because of his lustrous flowing blond locks*)
LUCIUS MALFOY: *sweeps off mask in a cloud of mist*
EVERYONE: Oh my God!
LUCIUS: Cool, right?
EVERYONE: Just *wait* until we tell Malfoy that his dad wears an Alice Cooper costume while he's away at school.

HARRY: We will never give you the prophecy, no matter what unspeakable torments you inflict on - I'm sorry, I've become too distracted by Bellatrix Lestrange's evil cleavage to deliver my line.
BELLATRIX: Hey Neville, I tortured your parents into insanity!
NEVILLE: Dude, I *know that*.
BELLATRIX: Ahahahah I tortured your parents nanny nanny boo boo-
LUCIUS (*heavy sigh*): I am the only sensible person here, and I am dressed like a leather queen in a Dolly Parton wig.

ALL: *flee from Death Eaters towards Vaguely Ominous Portal*
DEATH EATERS: *whoosh towards the Brave Little Gang*
HARRY: Quickly everybody, get behind me! I think this might be the poster shot!

LUCIUS: We have your friends hostage. Give me the Prophecy.
HARRY: Aw, crap. So the lesson here is that friends are useless burdens, and I should have cut all ties and become a Lone Wolf after all?
DIRECTOR: Yes! Wait, no. I've become confused...

SIRIUS: Don't worry Jarry, I'm here to save you!
HARRY: Oh Sirius!
SIRIUS: Oh James!
HARRY: We're really going to have to talk about that, you know.
SIRIUS: Absolutely, baby, whatever you say, just let me - *Dies*.

LUPIN: Oh Harry, sweetie, let me hold you. Let's hug it out.
HARRY: Get off me! I don't care about you - you don't even have *lines*!
LUPIN: Fine. I'll go see if Ron needs a hug.

BELLATRIX: I killed Sirius Black!
HARRY: And now you must die!
VOLDEMORT: Do it. Kill her. Do it for your *handsome godfather*!
HARRY: Well, I was going to, actually, but now eldritch evil voices are telling me to, I think maybe I've changed my mind.

PRODUCERS: 'Dear Audience, Please write us no more letters asking for Harry's eyes to be green. As you can see, when Harry's eyes are green it means he is possessed by the Dark Lord. Therefore green = evil. Do you want Harry to be evil? No, clearly not! So stop asking!! It's driving us mad!!! Cease and desist your endless, remorseless demands for evil, evil green!!!! SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!!!! Sincerely, etc.'
AUDIENCE: I like the part where Harry's eyes are green. We need more of those parts. Take dictation, Muriel.

HARRY: You may have awesome power, Lord Voldemort, but you will never know love! Except from fans of *The English Patient*. Love is the answer, Voldemort. Love is all you need. Yeah, love is all you need.
VOLDEMORT: Oh, go buy shares in Hallmark, Potter. Or *die*!
DUMBLEDORE: Save the Chosen One, save the franchise! Take that, Tommy boy. Ah, now I will cradle Harry in my arms in the beautiful attitude of the Pieta.
AUDIENCE: ... *Srsly*?

HARRY: Why did you not tell me about the Prophecy before this, Dumbledore?
DUMBLEDORE: Well, my dear boy, I can't be everywhere at once you know. I had to play every position on every team in Quidditch this year, and I had a lot of crossword puzzles to do, and I was on the lam for a bit if you'll recall, and I - I mean, I cared too much to tell you, Harry.
HARRY: I get that. I'm special.
DUMBLEDORE: Yes you are, Harry! Yes you are.

HARRY: So Luna... I hear you're looking for something you might have lost.
LUNA: Uh-huh.
HARRY: I'm single now, you know.
LUNA: Okay.
HARRY: Maybe the thing you've lost is right here. *In my pants*.
LUNA: I don't think so, Harry.
HARRY: You never comment on my poetry anymore!
LUNA: Well, I've been so busy. Neville's shown me this wonderful new thing, oh it's like nothing you've ever seen-
HARRY: What? What has he got that I don't have?
LUNA: ... It's called... facebook.
HARRY: Do those shoes hanging above us look at all like mistletoe to you?
LUNA: Oh Harry. Don't beg.

HARRY: We have each other. What does Voldemort have to fight for?
RON: Well, his pureblood agenda, his band of loyal followers, control of the free world...
ALL: Shut up, Ron.
Tags: movie parody, parody

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