I made you a gift, my lovelies! As you may be aware, I’m writing tie-in novels in the Chilling Adventures of Sabrina TV universe, and I love a parody, and so I thought this might be fun for both those wondering ‘OK so what’s this Sabrina all about, prep me’ and those going ‘please sir, may I have some more Chilling Adventures.’ All done in a spirit of love and fun, praise Zelda.
LOVE IN THE TIME OF SATANISM
SABRINA: I am a perky blonde teen girl with magical powers, who lives with my aunts in a Gothical house!
AUDIENCE: Ah yes, a tale as old as time.
SABRINA: Our powers come from Satan.
AUDIENCE: … come again?
SABRINA: We live in a funeral home and only the Dark Lord KNOWS what we are doing with the corpses!
AUDIENCE: Go big or go funeral home!
SABRINA: As the time when I must commit my soul to Satan grows nigh, I’m having doubts.
AUNT HILDA: All I ever want for you is happiness.
AUNT ZELDA: All I ever want for you is to worship the Dark Lord adopt a suitable goblin companion as a familiar, and take me as your style icon and dress like an evil secretary pin-up.
SABRINA: Well, I’ll take these wise words under advisement.
AMBROSE: Dear Sabrina, as your immortally hot cousin who is under permanent house arrest for magic crimes, yes selling your soul to Satan is a big commitment, but have you considered… immortal hotness with magic powers, and being surrounded by other immortal hotties with magic powers.
AMBROSE: Just saying. Might be fun.
SABRINA: And do you think you make all good life choices?
AMBROSE: I plead the Devil’s Fifth: I refuse to answer on the grounds I’m already incriminated.