Sarah Rees Brennan (sarahtales) wrote,
Sarah Rees Brennan

The No Chill Adventures of Sabrina, Part 2b

Happy Daughter of Chaos day, my sweetlings! Book Two in my Chilling Adventures of Sabrina tie-in series is out TODAY!

And thus in celebration I have made you this present: an affectionate parody of the rest of Part 2 of the Chilling Adventures of Sabrina.

A parody of Part 1 can be found here.

Parody of Part 2a to be found here!

We left off having recently beheld two bone-chilling sights: 1) Sabrina displaying powers that seemed a titch infernal and 2) (from Nick’s point of view) Harvey princess-carrying Sabrina.

AUDIENCE: Hell on earth beckons with heaven’s merciless soldiers at the ready!

HARVEY: Is heaven not nice? 🙁

NICK: Please improve your mind through extensive reading, farm boy, and consult the Bible.

SABRINA: I heal the stabbed.

HARVEY: Please read a comic, Nicholas, this is clearly a Dark Phoenix situation.


HARVEY: Let me explain Jean Grey. No, there’s too much. Let me sum up.


NICK: Can you please leave before the evil witches kill you?

SABRINA: Great point Nick. Important to shield Harvey from the many people who must have failed to notice him storming a desecrated church.

HARVEY: But if evil witches kill me all your problems are solved, Nick?



SABRINA: Harvey let me take a special alone moment to thank you for princess carrying me out of the desecrated murder church.

HARVEY: Sure, it’d been ages since I did something wildly misguided.

SABRINA: Let me give you a tender cheek kiss, maybe do some gazing into your eyes?

HARVEY: Wow, Sabrina, we are amazing at this platonic thing I think?

SABRINA: We’re geniuses at plans and being platonic!

NICK: A banshee screaming ‘ohnoohnoohno’ has basically taken up 24/7 residence inside my skull.


SABRINA: Oh here you are in my bedroom while I am scandalously unclad, what a situation, whatever shall we… converse about?

NICK: That mortal and his princess carrying ways!


NICK: I wish to princess carry you. Like… emotionally.

SABRINA: Aren’t you more the sexy make-out guy than the princess carry guy?


NICK: I have deeps!

NICK: Let’s revisit your sexy make-out idea.


LILITH: Taking a time-out from tormenting Sabrina to enjoy romance! You know I haven’t had luck with men in the past.

ADAM: Many bad apples out there.

LILITH: Mine was Lucifer, Lord of Darkness.

ADAM: Lots of people feel that way about their exes.

LILITH: I was the one who invented the pick-up line ‘Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?’

LILITH: It was a genuine question because he just had. But the line worked, and I never get the credit.

LILITH: And frankly it was all downhill from there.


ADAM: Sometimes people change.

LILITH: Sure. How well I remember when he started manifesting as a demonic goat…

LILITH: Also when he tried to give MY JOB as Queen of Hell to Sabrina, who is 16 and not a gifted planner.

ADAM: Let me take you away from all this.

LILITH: That’s tempting.

LILITH: And believe me, I know tempting.


NICK: A happy moment at last! I can’t believe I get to read a new book by my favorite author!

SABRINA: So my dad’s book is called ‘Sexy, Lovable Mortals, & Why We Should Sexily Love Them.’

NICK: Can’t believe books have BETRAYED me like this.


ROZ: Heard you can cure the sick?

SABRINA: And control the weather! And unite the warring peoples!

ROZ (coughs): But back to that first thing.

SABRINA: I cure thy blindness, Roz!

ROZ: Deeply sorry to have doubted you, Sabrina. You’re my best friend forever and I will support you in all you do.

SABRINA: Invite the kids from your dad’s church to my party about witchcraft!

ROZ: … I will even… oh God… support you in a Plan.


SABRINA: We must have a party tonight in which I explain to all mortals and witches that we must mingle and delight in each other!

NICK: You’re going to throw a party about delighting in that farm boy?

SABRINA: That isn’t what I said.

NICK: That is what I heard.


THEO & HARVEY: are off blamelessly fighting a demon in the mine.

THEO: So you saw a demon in the mine and called me.

HARVEY: Yeah!!! Because we’re best bros.

THEO: Yes, thank you. But I don’t have magic powers.

HARVEY: I cherish u.

THEO: I appreciate that and I’m here for you, but I can’t BELIEVE I’m gonna have to shoot a demon.

HARVEY: That demon you shot was guarding a mural that looks a bit like…

THEO: Uh-oh, eldritch.


LILITH: Based on your understandable devotion to me and your delicious roast, I’ve decided to run away with you, Adam.

ADAM: Thanks so much for having me for dinner.

ADAM: Actually I’m Satan wearing an Adam illusion.

ADAM: But you are literally HAVING Adam for dinner, he’s the roast.

SATAN: God I love dad jokes.

LILITH: I can’t believe the cannibalism motif of the series came back to bite me.

LILITH: As a natural response to grief, I must make an animated scarecrow to murder Sabrina.


NICK: Isn’t this a great party? Guess who isn’t here!

SABRINA: Time for me to reveal my magic to the mortal world!

NICK: Or hear me out, babe… a conga line?

SABRINA: But don’t you want to princess carry me? Emotionally.

NICK: ohyesohyesohyes


NICK & ROZ: Mutual affection for Sabrina and desperation to preserve our romantic relationships are leading us to make rash decisions!

SABRINA: Imma jump off the roof with a broomstick.

NICK & ROZ: Sabrina yes!


NICK & ROZ: ohnoohnoohno


NICK: So, you suspected there was a demon in the mines, and instead of contacting the many magical people of your acquaintance, you took your tiniest friend and went in to face the demon yourself?

HARVEY: Yep! Love that for me.

THEO: So we saw this eldritch mural of Sabrina on the gates of hell, we recognized her by her hairband, and we thought to ourselves…

ROZ: When were hairbands invented?

NICK: Does this mural herald the apocalypse?

SABRINA: Do I herald the apocalypse?!


NICK: Yes, Harry?

SABRINA, preoccupied with Satan: Wow you forgot Harvey’s name?

NICK, who has multiple nicknames for Harvey: … I sure did.


NICK (the most popular boy in school despite not being in their No Girls Allowed Club): Harry, let me condescend and establish my—

HARVEY (does not willingly socialize with cis men): What is he doing? Pls someone make him stop. 🙁

NICK: Oh does this bother you? Then I WILL NEVER STOP.

HARVEY: Cis men were a mistake.

THEO: Harvey, you’re a–

HARVEY: I said what I said, bro.

SABRINA: I think I need a plan to solve me being a herald of the infernal apocalypse.

ROZ: oh God… a Plan…


ROZ: As the most level-headed person in the friends group, I’m starting to feel like I may have made some wild romantic decisions here, Harvey!

HARVEY: No! Don’t leave me! I love you!

ROZ: We have been dating for three weeks.

THEO: koff koff guys

HARVEY: I’m in love with you! I undoubtedly mean that but I am also a bereaved child desperate not to be abandoned!

THEO: Think I might be allergic to romantic drama, gotta go.

HARVEY: Theo please help me!

THEO: zoom zoom


NICK: Can we. PLEASE! Go to the library. Can that be our plan? Let me thoroughly research our options before you risk your own life and magical disaster.

SABRINA: OK that makes sense.

NICK: thank you darling. I’ll be right back from the library. You’re making a good and sensible decision!

SABRINA: Is he gone? Time to risk my own life and magical disaster.

SABRINA: Sensible decisions, as if. Has he met me?


SABRINA: Here’s my new plan: create a weird plant doppelganger of myself to absorb my hell-raising powers, and become mortal.

AMBROSE: Sabrina, you know I’m always gonna vote for being an immortal hottie.

SABRINA: Having recently subscribed to the immortal hottie newsletter, I’m very fond of Nick!

SABRINA: Maybe I love him.

SABRINA: But you know what else I love?

AMBROSE: Hairbands?

SABRINA: Horrifying plans!


AMBROSE: Sometimes I wonder, should I enable your terrible decisions?

SABRINA: Never wonder that.

AMBROSE: Enabling terrible decisions is what family’s all about. Okay, let’s kill your own magic by making a weird plant version of yourself!


SABRINA: Looks like making a weird plant doppelganger of myself didn’t work out! Let me think of another plan…


ROZ: The woods are crawling with hell creatures, why not make wild romantic decisions! Harvey, I love you too!


THEO: koff koff

HARVEY: never leave me

THEO: I’m still here and I’m DEFINITELY allergic to romantic drama.

HARVEY: should we get married

THEO: I need a romantic drama inhaler.


THEO: is so very tired.


PLANT SABRINA: I toddle about, newborn, seething with dark magic, a manifestation of Sabrina’s id!

PLANT SABRINA: I love… waffles!

AUDIENCE: Reasonable.

PLANT SABRINA: I love… Aunt Hilda!

AUDIENCE: Reasonable.

PLANT SABRINA: I love… Harvey!

AUDIENCE: Oh, there it is.

AUDIENCE: Oh Nick, we are so sorry.


HARVEY: Listen, Plant Sabrina, I DO know what monogamy means.

NICK, somewhere in the library, unmolested by plantlife: Wow I have such a headache, and I don’t know why.

HARVEY: I really want to not tell lies and be honestly devoted to someone.

PLANT SABRINA: Then I guess I have to put u in a cocoon.

HARVEY: Ohnoohnoohno


PLANT SABRINA: I love… my mortal friends!

THEO & ROZ: We have questions.

PLANT SABRINA: No questions! Only cocoon.

THEO: I’ll get us out of this, but I wanna be clear, I’m this season’s mortal MVP.


PLANT SABRINA: I love… Ambrose!

AUDIENCE: Understandable.

PLANT SABRINA: Do you love me, Cousin Ambrose?

AMBROSE: Very much, but remember the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ witch policy about love.

PLANT SABRINA: It says it loves me or it gets the cocoon.

AMBROSE: I’m not sure why, but I’m getting a weird vibe here.


REAL SABRINA: Ambrose, our plan to create a dark plant double of me backfired!

AMBROSE: Who could ever have anticipated this!

REAL SABRINA: Let’s use the power of our familial love and trust to defeat her.

AMBROSE: And the power of deceit. That’s key with family.


SABRINA: I think Father Blackwood brainwashed Aunt Zelda to be his obedient wife!

HILDA: How could you tell?

SABRINA: She was being obedient. And wearing pastels.

ZELDA: *wears a floral gown, and hums*

HILDA: I hate to see her this way. We must break this fell curse.


NICK: I hate to seem overly inquisitive, my dove, but why did I return from the library to find a murder scarecrow trying to drown you?

SABRINA: Things have been happening so much but never mind! I have a Plan!

NICK: I support you entirely.

NICK: But I might need to sit down and take some deep breaths…

SABRINA: Do you know something, my teacher wears many bondage chic outfits and laughs maniacally at the moon?

NICK: We’re witches. Seems standard.


SABRINA: Furthermore do you know, everything my teacher ever said to me has led me down the path of damnation?

NICK: Has it?

SABRINA: Sometimes I think the people in my life can’t be trusted!

NICK (sweating): I know my name is Nick Scratch but…

SABRINA: I think my teacher might be Lilith, the Mother of Demons! I can’t believe all this time I was blinded by…

NICK: Her great cheekbones and incredible hair?

SABRINA: My own trusting nature, NICHOLAS.


ZELDA: Oh hells below, my husband brainwashed me!

ZELDA: And framed my beloved semi-nephew Ambrose for murder!

ZELDA: All that I could have forgiven, but pastels? I want a divorce.

ZELDA: Or preferably a widowhood.

ZELDA: So, what’d I miss?

HILDA: Quite a lot…


ZELDA: Does searching for power derived from male authority figures always end up rebounding on women because trying to work within the system doesn’t work in a broken system?

HILDA: Could be.

ZELDA: Just some thoughts I had while holding the remains of a minced mouse.

HILDA: Was Sabrina right about everything?

ZELDA: Hang on Hilda. I wouldn’t go that far.


SABRINA: So now I have tied up my teacher and killed my plant doppelganger in a duel, our problems are solved!

LILITH: What’s that you said, you performed all the tasks of a herald of hell?

SABRINA: Wow, this seems like something a proper kindly mentor would have informed me of before I did it! What happens now?

LILITH: Nothing big.

SABRINA: Oh thank god.

LILITH: Except the apocalypse.


ZELDA: Hilda, we have so many enemies. A nasty teacher at the academy is just the beginning…

HILDA: I murdered her.

ZELDA: … Huh. Well, I think we need to talk to a member of the warlock council about various…

HILDA: I murdered him too.

ZELDA: … Huh.

HILDA: I have three settings, and they are: cooking, providing loving support…



AUDIENCE: Aunt Hilda’s really blossomed since she found love.

AUDIENCE: Into a murder flower.

AUDIENCE: Love that for her.


SATAN: So now Sabrina has performed all the tasks of the herald to hell, and opened a gateway for me in my new manly incarnation, and shortly the demons in hell will flood through my gates and I will rule earth as it is in hell with Sabrina by my side.

DORIAN GRAY: Uh huh, super interesting.

DORIAN GRAY: Big fan of your manly incarnation by the way.

DORIAN GRAY: Does your manly incarnation have a phone number?

SATAN: Uh, my manly incarnation doesn’t even have clothes.

DORIAN GRAY: Your manly incarnation doesn’t NEED clothes.


ZELDA: Satan is my dark god, whom I serve with both body and cursed soul…

SABRINA: Help aunties! Satan is trying to drag me off to hell!

ZELDA: Guess we have to kill Satan.

HILDA: I’ll get the knives, luv.


SATAN: I’ve decided to make Sabrina queen of hell and earth.

FATHER BLACKWOOD: Wow, me and my god are having some religious differences!


PICK-UP FULL OF MORTALS: rolls up to the witch house.



ROZ & THEO: Should we use our powers of invisibility to rob banks, or to fight crime?

HARVEY: So, Sabrina, I was molested and then abducted by a plant person wearing your face…

NICK: Wow, no need to brag.


SABRINA: So sorry, Harvey, but that was last episode’s plotline. This episode the town is about to be taken over by Satan and all his little imps.

NICK: Best go be safe in your home, Harry.

ROZ & THEO: We have names too, dude.

HARVEY: … I also have a name. A different name. But please continue being petty as the apocalypse bears down upon us.

NICK: Thank you Harry. I shall.


SABRINA, born chaos queen: Whenever Harvey gets new dramatic magical information, he launches into drastic action. So interested to see what he’ll do!

HARVEY, born disaster fawn: Let’s blow up the gates of hell with dynamite!

NICK: Satan grant me patience. That is stupi—

SABRINA: Harvey, I have something to say.

NICK: –oh thank the dark god, she’s going to tell him he’s stupi–

SABRINA: I love this plan. It is genius.





SABRINA: Harvey yes!


HARVEY: I only hear one person using my actual name and they think my dynamite plan is the bomb!

NICK: Ohnoohnoohno, am I the mom friend?

HARVEY: you’re not my friend.


AUDIENCE: It is hilarious to reflect that Nick’s main reference for mortals are Harvey, engaged in life-threatening activities almost every time Nick sees him, and now Roz (supports Sabrina in wild plans), and Theo (supports Sabrina and Harvey in wild plans).

AUDIENCE: It is possible Nick believes mortals light themselves on fire for fun, and all Sabrina’s behavior is down to being half mortal.


NICK: Little mortals… tiny… fragile… will die…

SABRINA: Me too probably!


ROZ & THEO: We’re off to the hellmouth to enact Harvey’s dynamite plan!

NICK: What did they teach Sabrina’s lot in mortal preschool, stop, drop and rebel against Satan?!

SABRINA: All right Nick honey, take care of yourself, I really appreciate your loving support of my rebellion against Satan!

NICK: I wanna google ‘how to get mortals to stop blowing their fool heads up’ but I don’t entirely understand what google is…


FATHER BLACKWOOD: Prudence let’s go on a family vacation.

PRUDENCE: Aw, that’s so nice, what’s the occasion?

FATHER BLACKWOOD: I decided I hate our god and poisoned our whole coven, including your adoptive sisters, and now we have to go on the run.

PRUDENCE: I think it’s the Opposite of Father’s Day in Greendale.


NICK: True love is super stressful.

AUDIENCE: Think Nick Scratch might need a hug.

ZELDA: Nicholas use your strapping shoulders to ward our home against Satan.

AUDIENCE: Probably not a hug from Zelda.


PRUDENCE: I’ve decided to rebel against my father!

SABRINA & AMBROSE: I feel that feel.

PRUDENCE: We must save our coven!

SABRINA: And the world from Satan!

PRUDENCE: Oh dark god here we go. There’s literally zero (0) good things about this day.

AMBROSE: Girl, I love your new rebellious style.

PRUDENCE: There’s one (1) good thing about this day.


SATAN: Sabrina, you are my beloved daughter!

SABRINA: Well, this is rock bottom.

SATAN: And I believe you already know my spy, who pursued you romantically on my orders?

SABRINA: Oh no… here’s a lower place.

NICK: My name IS Nick Scratch, so in a way, this is really more on you…


AUDIENCE: oh no, Nick is that guy who says feminist things but when the chips are really, truly down, sells you out to the patriarchy/Satan!

AUDIENCE: We trusted you, Nick Scratch.

AUDIENCE: We’re more mad at ourselves than you. What were we thinking, trusting somebody called Nick Scratch?

AUDIENCE: Back in the trash, Nick Scratch!


SABRINA: True love has failed me, ONCE AGAIN.

SABRINA: My mortals are busy trying to blow up the gates of hell.

SABRINA: Actually now I think about it, that might be slightly dangerous.


ROZ: Harvey, should we be fighting demons? I literally cannot shoot a gun.

HARVEY: You’ll get the hang of it, honey! I cherish u.

THEO: I’m trying to physically block the gates of hell, but even getting the mortal MVP award may not be worth this.

ROZ: I’m having a psychic vision that we’re screwed.


SABRINA: At least I’ll always have my loving family.

ZELDA, HILDA & AMBROSE: *attack Satan with knives*

SATAN: That… isn’t gonna work?

SABRINA: Actually now I think about it, that might be slightly dangerous.


SATAN: Be my devoted daughter or everyone you ever loved dies!

SABRINA: You don’t think a coerced relationship is basically meaningless?

SATAN: Hellooooo? I am Satan.


LILITH: I want to be on the side of truth and justice!


LILITH: OK, I just hate my ex.

SABRINA: That’s more convincing. Welcome to Team Good, Lilith.

ZELDA: I prefer to think of us as Team Lawful Evil.

ZELDA: It’s the law that dudes can’t let us down anymore.

LILITH: Preach.


NICK: So there’s no chance you will regard Satan setting us up as a meet-cute?

SABRINA: Get out of my bedroom, I hate you and I’m busy plotting against Satan!

NICK: Sabrina pls you can’t doubt my genuine affection for you! I fought a giant squid. I endure the long national nightmare of monogamy for your sake!

SABRINA: You’re on thin ice, buddy!


NICK: Let me help you rebel against Satan.

SABRINA: Ugh. Those three little words that always melt my heart… ‘rebel against Satan’…

SABRINA: OK FINE. But I will not be in a cherishing mood.

NICK: For how long?

SABRINA: Could be centuries!


SABRINA: OK guys I have a plan. A musical is our only hope.

EVERYONE: Reasonable.

SATAN: Yay, this is my ideal vision of fatherhood: thrones of skulls, gold lame, and musical numbers.

LILITH: why did I ever date u!

SATAN: We all make mistakes in college. Or Eden.


SATAN: This is a special moment for us. I put a lil ‘Baby on Board’ sticker on the back of my throne of skulls.

SABRINA: Um… thanks.

SATAN: Would you like to keep your mortals as pets on leashes?

SABRINA: Um… sure.

SATAN: Would you like to rule Greendale as your own personal kingdom?

SABRINA: Psych! I ALREADY think of Greendale as my own personal kingdom. One must claim one’s own power rather than having it granted by gross dudes!


SABRINA: Now I will trap Satan in this magic box!

SATAN: That… isn’t gonna work?

AUDIENCE: It’s touching how everyone still has such faith in Sabrina’s plans. Her success rate cannot be described as 100%.

AUDIENCE: But she tries so hard and she means so well.

AUDIENCE: And somebody has to stop the apocalypse.

AUDIENCE: Somebody. Anybody? Bueller?


NICK: Due to my extensive reading, I happen to know that a hot magic guy is a substitute for a magic box. I will trap Satan using my own body as a prison!

SABRINA: Wow I have to ask myself, are dramatic plans contagious…

SABRINA: Like, are they kissually transmitted?

ROZ: I’ve been wondering that myself.


NICK: I love you!

SABRINA: I can’t believe my plot to imprison Lucifer, the Great Dragon and King of Lies, got so complicated…

NICK: I love you and the last seconds I’m in control of my body are draining away, do you have anything to say to me?

SABRINA: wow this is so bad…

NICK: Quick cherish for the road?

SABRINA: This is all happening so fast…

NICK: *falls over*

LILITH: I declare myself Queen of Hell, so bright side?

LILITH: Maybe just for me.


LILITH: 🙂 🙂 🙂


LILITH: I’ll throw the Satan container into a back room in hell, then throw a party!

SABRINA: His name is Nicholas Scratch!

AUDIENCE: It really is, we’ve come to accept that.

LILITH: None of you are invited to my party because I hate you.


AUDIENCE: Oh NO, Nick is that guy who says feminist things and DOES believe them but still makes mistakes because the patriarchy/Satan are in your head…

AUDIENCE: And now Satan is literally in his head.

AUDIENCE: Ohnoohnoohnoohno

AUDIENCE: And NOW, as the darkly ironic frosting on the doom cake…

AUDIENCE: Harvey is helpfully princess carrying Nick to hell.

AUDIENCE: Wow, Nick is having a DAY.


SABRINA: *sniffle*

AUDIENCE: Sabrina’s last few months have also not been chill.

LILITH: *yoinks golden crown*

AUDIENCE: Get it, girl! It being the throne of hell.

LILITH: (Dark) God is a WOMAN! And it me.


SABRINA: Mortal friends, you have been extremely helpful during the apocalypse, so I don’t have to protect you from my magic adventures anymore!

ROZ: The fact we almost died means you don’t have to protect us from dying?

SABRINA: Yup! Let’s have a band name.

ROZ: We care for and support you, and I hope I speak for us all when I say–

HARVEY: Yay! Love this for me.

HARVEY: Let’s get awesome life-threatening T-shirts!

THEO: I’m loyally in for life-threatening T-shirts.

AUDIENCE: We do love a Scooby Gang.


ZELDA: I voted myself head of the coven.

ZELDA: Now all I have to do is hope nobody finds out about Hilda’s many murders, or our sacrilegious rebellion against the dark god.

HILDA: Heh heh heh. Stop me before I bake a cake… or kill again!

AUDIENCE: Nice to see women in leadership positions but so often they inherit systemic problems.

AUDIENCE: Best of luck, Zelda, you are a good person deep down!

AUDIENCE: Best of luck, Lilith, you have great cheekbones and inner pain, and that’s more important than being good.


PRUDENCE & AMBROSE: have acquired leather and swords to hunt down Father Blackwood.

PRUDENCE & AMBROSE: we’re gonna do it for justice

PRUDENCE & AMBROSE: we’re gonna do it for vengeance

PRUDENCE & AMBROSE: but most of all… we’re gonna do it for the aesthetic.


SABRINA: As the first task for the Fright Club, I have a Plan, and this one feels like a multiple-episode arc!

ROZ: oh god here we go…

SABRINA: Let’s go to hell and get my boyfriend back!

CUT AWAY: before we see Roz gently weeping, Theo gamely agreeing, and Harvey torn between ‘love me a demented plan’ and ‘would I go to hell for a guy who won’t call me by name?’

SABRINA: All aboard for the infernal road trip!


AUDIENCE: We do love a road trip.

AUDIENCE: Can’t wait for more Bone-Chilling Plans of Sabrina!

AUDIENCE: Please get Nick back! Then place him gently in the trash.


Hope you enjoyed, doves and ravens! Really, I can’t wait for more Bone-Chilling Plans of Sabrina. Part 3 is out January 24! And for now, well, I may have mentioned a novel in which Sabrina accidentally summons a Prince of Hell, Prudence tries to set a Satanic Family Trap, Nick studies mortal love and learns perhaps the wrong lessons, and Harvey princess-carries at least two (2) people, is out now!


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